I’ve written a few times about being young. About growing up without a dad. About suffering through the emotional and physical abuse of my father. How many times I have words of anger, hate and pain.
Truth is; growing up I saw no answer to the question of my youth. Who will I become? It’s much like the cliche of “I don’t want to be like my mom or dad” that I think we all say at some point. I was so scared of being a man I didn’t even know. How could I ever become something good with so much bad in me. That fear paralyzed my emotional maturity severely. I grew up and I made a lot of progress except where it concerned a fear of my past and the future my dad gave me genetically.
It took until last year to fully release that grip on me. I still get emotional about it, but I have found an avenue for moving on. A way to say “I am not him!” with confidence. It works. My wife noticed a big difference as soon as I talked to my dad. I don’t say much to him anymore but when I do its the usual bullshit that comes out in a forced and awkward conversation. We both know it too.
I know my father is not the best person. In fact he sucks. Never made any excuses about it. He was a drunk and made lousy decisions. He abandoned his own children because he couldn’t face the consequences of his own decisions. Which I find pathetic.
I never stooped to drugs, alcohol or self harm. I could have and thought about it a lot. I was scared of drinking. Hated what I saw drugs do to some of my favorite people. And I didn’t self-harm I went into depression.
Talking about this stuff now has become easy. It is a fluid conversation that never leaves me feeling guilty or empty. I instead focus on the pride I have in never making excuses. I didn’t self destruct. I grew up. It took 26 years but now I know my future is bright. I have the greatest sidekick and a strong warrior for life in my wife. I have the support of a family that chooses to accept and love me. I have learned that fighting for the future is a battle worth wearing yourself out with.
SO to all the kids of divorce, of a broken home, of abuse, abandoned, forgotten, in pain, suffering right now. Go outside and look up at the sky. Imagine the sun is out. No cloud. The breeze is in your face. And the ground beneath you is untouched. Look out and see a world for you to take. Make it happen. Escape your life when you can and never look back in fear.
Most of all; I know the craving for hurt free love you have. Stop looking outside of yourself and wondering why not me. Learn to love who you are, the past, the present, and the future you. Once you learn that its okay to love who you are, the love you crave will follow. Don’t force someone to be the only way you can love, force yourself to love yourself without end. Its worth it. I promise.
rattlethecages posted this