DOITGIRL

Laurie Cabot. Tuesday, August 28: Wear White. Stay calm. Do not fight or argue.

DOITGIRL. He doesnt believe in magic but then why, when I buried my rose quartz beneath a tree in the forest two days ago, my favorite tree in this forest with its big heartshaped birthmark/barkmark and a stranger’s initials carved in its trunk, and asked it for grounding, healing, and clarity, and the next day I took it back, and then today I woke up just after sunrise as the wind blew out my window and I finally just knew why and how he wasn’t right for me, and as if the clouds on my path had cleared, I could see with new eyes. It sure felt just like magic. No, you can’t always see magic. I feel it.

And I felt so good I shot up went for a run in the rain, when water was coming in heavy sheets straight from the heavens, it cleanses you in a way none can. There’s magic transformation in rain, if you would only let yourself get wet more often. Through the woods we rushed, our bounds faster and faster, on a new path we’d never taken, my loyal wolf dog beside me, we came to a clearing of four roads crossing and I knelt down, invoked the four directions, the four elements, and dropped to the ground, my hands in mother earth, I asked for what I need, what is in me already, to be surfaced, and then we ran home to the car, blasting mumford & sons and seeing things in a completely new way. If that’s not magic, what is. To see everything anew and different. To see it’s not prison, it’s paradise. To look in the sky and not just see a plane over head, but someone’s dream overhead, a man once dreamed he could fly, and everyone told him he was crazy, but he did it anyway. I don’t care if its the Wright Brothers, or the Pilot flying it that dreamt of being a pilot when he was little, or a passenger that’s finally in the air after always afraid of it. That everything around us is someone’s dream realized. Magic is overcoming your fears and doing what you’ve been told is “impossible.” That’s magic, and you all have it. 

And if there is no magic what rises in me at just the right time and directs me through ritual that I had never “thought” about before, what comes through with ancient powerful direction, what is that. 

I was in the outdoor shower this morning and I realized how many lawyers I attract into my life. So many people who work for justice they write me these beautiful letters about what my writing does for them… they all say the same sort of thing, “it’s you, your kind, we fight for. we fight for innocence, believers, dreamers, and beauty." 

I say whatever you believe is true. I believe in the goddess in me, the goodness in me, the angel in me, the underdog who always overcomes, the phoenix who always rises. Why would I not believe in magic if seeing life magically is the one thing that has made me want to live. Three years ago Dad and I were walking in Virginia and I was still addicted to pills and wine and everything just felt like a black blanket of death, the walk took way more energy than I had at the time, I was army crawlign through life and I said "why do people even want to be here, I don’t understand why they want to live,” and I was crying again, and he was speechless, he just shook his head, he had a daughter who hated the life he had given her, and we turned around in silence and went home and I went down into that dark basement and drank a non alcholic beer when I was dying for a real one and I jsut waited until it was time to sleep again. And then how come six months later, after my awakening, everything I saw was so beautiful it made me cry, heaving cries of relief and beauty, and it’s been that way ever since. Isn’t that magic?

He said at dinner the other night- he wasn’t so into the underdog idea. You know I love an underdog, a come back story, a pheonix. He wanted to be done with the need to “come back.” I just don’t see a way out of this cycle, life will always move in seasons. They don’t need to be terribly dramatic, but there will be winters, springs, summers and falls. We are in the never ending cycle. There’s beauty and trust in that. If it’s dark now, it will be light soon. If we’re at the top now, there will be a descent. But after that, a rise. This is life. I had said to him, “yes I prayed today to not have to rise out of another fire,” and I meant that as far as how bad things really got in my old life, but I dont see a way out of the cycles really, we are dying and re-born all the time as our dreams change as our life changes, and passes, and it is passing as fast as those clouds over my head, just sailing along. Last night I watched Thor, and he said to the GateKeeper, “I did not plan to die today,” and the Gatekeeper says, “No man does.” Get up and plan to Live, because the day you die, you never know when that’s coming. Get up and say “I will LIVE today.” In my life, I will always have re-births, this is just my path. This morning, soaked through in the rain, blasting through the puddles with Gracie at my side, I remembered how much extreme running I was doing as my kundalini was waking up, it was mirroring the chances I wanted to take in my life, the old safe and numbing patterns I wanted to break out of. I finally wanted to FEEL again. I had stopped wanting to feel anything after too many painful expereiences took their toll, and then I went into a sleeping nightmare of life. But then that miraculous spring, last miraculous spring, I woke up and I Wanted to live again. Breaking out our patterns is so liberating, I practice this in the woods every morning that split into so many paths, I take a new trail with faith, I just go left when I usually go right. I did that last year in the spring, I took a right instead of a left or a left instead of a right, and I ended up at a private beach, just me and a big daddy seal sunbathing, and I ran right into the ocean in my clothes and I got that gasp in my heart- what if I had kept going left, this whole time, my whole time, and never seen the ocean, never knew it was right here, all along. Take a new road, do something different, liberate your soul, practice your soul push ups and see you’re always supported. Sometimes in the woods I panic, I can’t remember how to get home. But then I just get still. I close my eyes, I ask for help, “show me the way,” I ask. Then Grace puts her nose to the ground and her wild bushy tail shoots straight up in the air. “This way,” she seems to say. And then Grace always leads me home. Take a left today, where you always go right.