Neanderthals: The New Vampires
“You would certainly have to create a cohort, so they would have some sense of identity. They could maybe even create a new neo-Neanderthal culture and become a political force,” says George Church of Harvard University, explaining the details of his proposal to make Neanderthals “de-extinct.”
If this happened and a neo-Neanderthal culture rose up from the ashes…er, DNA, the consequences would be widespread, and would change the social fabric for the sweatier.
It wouldn’t take long for a Neanderthal to run for president. Of course, it would be male, white, straight, and Christian, but it would nonetheless be a watershed moment for the revived species.
I can imagine the bumper stickers: Size DOES Matter! Or: Older=Wiser. Or: Hairballz! Lolz!
Anti-hairball medicines would drive the economy.
There would have to be a Neanderthal equal rights movement. Employers would have to hire Neanderthals, though the hair net requirement could prove problematic in the food service industry. They would be allowed to play on sports teams; they would need bigger helmets and jerseys with expanded neck holes. Some might challenge the fairness of having a Neanderthal on the team the way some people complained that a guy without legs had an unfair advantage as a runner. Neanderthals would constantly fight accusations of steroid use, and rip of the heads of skeptics to prove their innocence.
There would be Neanderthal escort services, online dating sites (Hairier? Marry Her!), Craig’s List postings.
And speaking of Craig’s List, which I imagine to assume a storied place in Neanderthal re-history when it attracts the female progenitor of the new race, Church has gone on to debunk the want-ad fantasies that have blossomed in the hearts and minds of readers since his Der Speigel interview. Still, that doesn’t stop me…
Craig’s List would Scientist Seeking Adventurous Female (22-32) (M4W)
Must have health insurance
Must be willing to be impregnated with DNA of extinct species
Must have good sense of humor
Must like pets, but not have any
Blindness is a plus
An addendum published by Der Speigel suggests that what’s “most bizarre about the entire media hysteria over Church’s interview is that potential surrogate mothers are now contacting the geneticist.” Phew! No worries about finding volunteers. I don’t know whether that’s frightening or comforting.
Neanderthal kids would attend school with all the other kids. And I bet they’d get revenge for any social mistreatment during dodge ball and recess. Or they may refuse to mix for some activities. I’d get behind a Neanderthal hockey team—the sport needs more diversity anyway. And they’d have an awesome mascot.
Neo-Nazis would be extremely threatened by the existence of a group literally more hard-headed than they are.
There would be all kinds of adorable pictures on Reddit of Neanderthals walking their dogs.
A Neanderthal would lift a car off the leg of a child and win a hero’s status until some jealous snoop in town discovered that he hadn’t paid his taxes in the past five years.
Neanderthals at college campuses across the country would serve as the new faces of an updated and historically poignant Take Back the Night campaign.