A Letter to Hugo
Warning: This post may inspire you to look at the World and your relationships differently. It may make you rethink whether or not you get upset at your kids for taking too much time, or laughing too loudly. It may make you hug them more tightly, read to them more often, or turn off the television to spend more time with them. It may make you stop to appreciate your accomplishments. It may change, just for 5 minutes, how you look at life. Because I know this letter and this experience has changed my life forever.
This is a letter to my son, who came to this earth 8 weeks early on May 17th at 11:57pm weighing 4lbs 3oz and chose to stay with us for 1 amazing day. This letter is a dedication and expression of love to my son, to myself, to my husband and to his future siblings. It was therapeutic, cathartic and has provided me with peace.
May this letter be shared with everyone because at some point you or someone you know may be touched by an angel like we were, and that is always worth sharing.
A Letter to Hugo
My dearest Hugolin,
I need to start this letter to you with an apology. I am so sorry I didn’t realize that you had stopped moving, I hope so sincerely that you aren’t mad at me for not being more aware of you that day. I am also sorry for not being completely thrilled and excited by your arrival into my body 8 months ago. I was just so worried about how your dad and I would manage financially with you and I was worried that I didn’t have a career stable enough. I want you to know however that it had nothing to do with you, but with my own insecurities and fears of not being able to provide you with the life I thought I wanted for you. Please forgive me.
In this short period however, although I knew it before but hadn’t truly experienced it, you have taught me that it’s not what I could have materialistically provided you, but how much love, care and affection I gave you that would ensure you flourished. I just hope that even though you may not have been on this earth for long that you felt that love and affection from me. I loved you more than I ever thought I could possibly love someone in such a short period of time.
You are truly our miracle; an angel sent to us to teach us not to rush life, to enjoy and savour every moment, accomplishment and milestone. You taught us that life is priceless and far too short, so don’t sweat the little things. You taught us to be there to love and guide our children and provide them with boundaries, but not to hold them back, let them spread their wings and fly.
I have also learned that I control nothing, you were just full of surprises from the very beginning. You decided when you were going to enter this world as much as you controlled when you were going to leave. You provided your dad and I with such a gift that we didn’t need to make those decisions. At such a young age, 32 weeks and barely a day old you decided you had been here long enough and it was time to spread your wings. I only hope you left this world knowing that as much as we wanted to keep you, we didn’t want to hold you back and that we sent you off with all the unconditional love we have.
We cry selfishly for our loss, out of our frustration that we will not be able to see you grow, laugh and cry. We aren’t upset with your or frustrated with you but so happy, blessed and grateful that you gave us 24hours to share with you and to hold you. You provided us with the best case out of our worst-case scenario and you need to know how fortunate we feel. We know many aren’t even given this gift.
You also need to know how much you have helped your dad and me. We have found a strength and solidarity in our relationship that can only be attributed to you. You have made us stronger, more communicative and united. As your parents, it will be up to us to remember all that you have taught us. You will be spoken about, remembered, and in the future, you will always be the big brother.
You are my first son, so it is you that inaugurated me into a special club called motherhood. I have developed an inner strength and composure that I can only attribute to having carried you for 8 months and having had the privilege to spend the day with you.
Thank you so much for your life, your lessons and your presence. You have changed me forever for the better. I am so proud to call you my son, and I am so proud to be your mother. You are my light, my strength and my Hugo. I hope that I am able to continue to reflect the lessons you have taught me for the rest of my life, but I know that if I stray for whatever reason that you will keep me in check one way or another.
I feel like I have so much left to say, so rest assured we will have our little conversations over coffee or tea, when I’m doing dishes or sweeping or giving my clients a water break. I will share and talk with you always.
You will always be in my heart and in my life. I love you always and forever.
Love,
Mom