“When we are alone on a starlit night, when by chance we see the migrating birds in autumn descending on a grove of junipers to rest and eat; when we see children in a moment when they are really children, when we know love in our own hearts; or when, like the Japanese poet, Basho, we hear an old frog land in a quiet pond with a solitary splash - at such times the awakening, the turning inside out of all values, the "newness,” the emptiness and the purity of vision that make themselves evident, all these provide a glimpse of the cosmic dance.“  

I have created this blog ‘the catacombs’ as a collection of thoughts, authors’ wisdom, song seeds (including demo’s & sketches from the making of VOWS) and various inspirations I have come across. This is a blog about the beautiful people, authors, artists, words & moments of transcendence that have inspired me and urged me to create out of an overflowing sense of love, duty and the need for expression.
 

When I was about 14 I got into a lot of rock and heavy metal bands,  because of my growing love for rhythm, interesting time signatures and the general sense of catharsis and power created within these genres. I was introduced to bands like Dillinger Escape Plan, Botch, The Blood Brothers, At The Drive In & somewhere along the way I was led to mewithoutYou. The album was called 'Catch For Us The Foxes’. There were moments of real melodic abandon and beauty but the backbone was heavy, angular and jagged. The singer, Aaron Weiss shouted and screamed over pounding drums but in more of a spoken word kind of way I hadn’t heard before - there was a yearning in his delivery- a humanity, lack of self-awareness, a longing for answers and spiritual identity - questions that mirrored many of the same in my own heart at the time. He was a pivotal person in putting into words some of the many questions I had at that age, and also opened doorways to authors and artists who would go on to influence my life greatly.

He wasn’t a completely open book for people, but he shared small chapters of himself that became moments of great consolation & insight for me. Aaron kept a blog on his bands’ website and I would often check in to read his tour diaries and random entries as he went about his own journey - they became a form of great nourishment and I feel so grateful that he shared his thoughts not only in the music he made but also in a place of great accessibility - the internet.
 

Oh, that great curse and blessing for our culture. I have often veered from the blogging world, perhaps, because I truly want to say it all with my music. At the end of the day, the music is my work and my soul. My gift and my giving. But, I am often reminded of Aaron Weiss’ own words from an interview, “I want to express things that transcend the music."…  There are moments when we are called away from sound. Music is one part of who I am, although it encompasses the whole. There are moments when words are better left to marinate without a melody.. simply on a piece of paper, exposed and raw, perhaps in a book, or on a computer screen, read in stillness. This is a place where I can share some of the other things that feed into my music. It is less about me, and more about what I have seen and heard.

It is a place of reflection. It is not a pulpit and it is not a place to broadcast yet another loud opinion into the virtual world. It is simply to share beauty. There is a time for words, and a time for silence. A time to speak up, and a time to simply sit still, and listen. To let the words read us perhaps. Then to close the computer, sit under a tree, and listen a little more.
 

I am thankful that I stumbled across Aaron Weiss’ reflections and writings when I did - it gave me a new depth and context for the music as I listened. If my own little revelations as an artist can provide a similar sense of connect & insight for someone else, then that is very special, and certainly enough reason for me to get over my fear of blogging! So here it is. I look forward to sharing with you. Let me now leave you with a lyric by the poet, artist, mystic & musician, Aaron Weiss:

“But I’m so small I can barely be seen - how can this great love be inside of me?”
Look at your eyes - they’re small in size, but they see enormous things.”
 

-K

A short letter to Harvey Weinstein on behalf of the women who were devalued and manipulated by your actions,

Everybody knows, about what you do

Everybody saw, and sold the truth

I was young and gullible

But baby I grew

Now the whole world’s watching you.

I drew on a lot of things when writing the song ‘Everybody Knows’ but it would be untrue to say there was no reference to times in my life where I have felt reduced and disrespected by the actions of men who had more influence, power and ability to steer a situation in the direction of their benefit.  Like many women, at times I have felt my value as an artist reduced by the assumption that my personal worth was epitomized by my body, and my willingness to play along with those in more powerful positions.  We need accountability in our places of work. We need men standing up when they see other men devalue women. 

One of the hardest lines to sing and write in this song for me was….. ‘is it a fight worth fighting?‘ 

I believe this has been a question that women have asked themselves for years as they endured circumstances that devalued them. They feared what was at stake if they spoke out. I have heard my female musician friends tell me story after story of being disrespected at a studio or receiving physical touch where it was not wanted. I count myself included in this experience. Countless times I have been presented with a situation where I have to make infinitely clear where I stand on a romantic / sexual level so I can be respected as a professional artist and focus on the task at hand. I have attended business meetings at record labels and exchanged numbers with men of high influence after a productive, positive meeting with the thought that it would benefit my career to maintain my networks only to receive a text after midnight that night while I’m with my boyfriend at the time, asking ‘what r u up 2′. Countless times I have, like many women, wondered where and how to draw a line, is it a fight worth fighting? A flirty text message that means nothing to a man could end up meaning or risking EVERYTHING to a woman. 

We then feel shame that they may have 'led someone on’ even if we were incredibly clear that we were there to WORK. Why should women be doubted in the first place for that? Together I believe we can change the culture within our workplaces. But this will only change when there is equality established. Equality eliminates the power play. It demands respect. When there is respect, both parties listen and see eachother as professionals, not as objects to be attained or intimidated. Equality demands that both women and men are given the opportunity to be paid according to the work they have put in, not according to their gender which continues to reinforce outdated ideas around the role of women and their worth in the workplace. 

We will not have accountability until women are earning the same as men for doing the same work, until women are in positions of power in places like the film industry, the music industry, the law firms, the government… we will not see change until there are women who can speak to the culture from a position of EQUAL worth and EQUAL influence. 

I feel so fortunate to do what I do and to have such creative control over my career. I hear stories all the time of artists who are not given this, they are told what to wear, what to sing, what to say, how to be most profitable for someone else’s benefit. I promised myself that I would not play into that game, but it meant I had to create a culture within the people I worked with. And it doesn’t mean that I haven’t faced situations where I felt immense pressure.On a shoot with a stylist (from the Magazine - both will remain unnamed), I began to express some concerns around an outfit, but was reassured that 'the main thing that matters is that you look cute so guys will want to f*** you’. I swore it wouldn’t happen again and now create my own team for shoots and make it very clear that although I am proud of my body and am happy to 'look cute’ for my own enjoyment and others, it is outrageously disrespectful to think that my main concern at a photoshoot should be only to appear sexually desireable. People do photoshoots & features on me, because I am a MUSICAN, an ARTIST and a VOICE first. The rest is secondary. 

As a producer also in this industry, I have often been doubted for my ability as a technician and engineer then proved myself countless times to be the fastest Protools user in the whole room. I have experienced assumptions made that I am just the 'singer’ and had to work twice as hard to gain respect as a credible technical voice in the room (later becoming nicknamed 'Eagle Ears’ at the studio’s I work at).

If we continue to feed this culture of assumption, women will not only veer from taking roles in the more 'male dominated’ industries for fear of being doubted or not give the same opportunities, but they will also settle for less and fall victim to circumstances where they are promised opportunities in exchange for their self respect.When we learn that women are consistently being paid less than men across the board, we reinforce and permit a preconceived assumption that there is less value to the work of a women, this feeds into a culture that allows for women to be easily seen as objects rather than equals. We must fight for equality in the fields we work within. Would Harvey Weinstein have continued to get away with these crude acts if there had been a more balanced display of women and men at the top ranks? We must speak out, but we must also speak to the structures in place. 

I don’t really talk around these things often but I can’t deny my responsibility to offer my voice as a woman in a largely male dominated industry, I am not only working everyday in a line of work that often makes the assumption I am less capable, I have made it my goal each day to let my WORK speak for itself, but if we continue to undermine the work of women by saying it is worth less and therefore paying less than the same work of men, then we will never get to the true core of why these things continue to happen in industries where men abuse their positions of power.

Bodies alone, we hide in the dark

But is it a fight worth fighting?

Yes, it is. Will it cause trouble? Yes, it may. Will it put your job at risk? Very possible. Could it prove as a chance for you to speak to the structures and demand justice where there is so little? Definitely. Could it empower someone else to fight back for their self respect and speak out also? Yes. Could it cause other men to speak out in support and hold their fellow work friends accountable? Yes, and this is the only way we’ll create change. If we stand together on the same team, for women to be treated with equal respect and worth in their fields of work. I’m hopeful for the future. 

To Harvey Weinstein, the whole world’s watching you. So what will you do?

(via https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_0d3XbH12cs)

Those of you who read my blog know that I use this as a space to dive deeper into the music and share some of my inspirations behind it.

There is perhaps no other artist in the world who has inspired me as much as Prince.

Yesterday was a heavy day, it’s as though the world tilted off balance for a moment… to go from talking about someone as a current, modern-day innovator and someone I have also been blessed to cross paths with, to then speaking about that same person in the past tense is a very shocking shift. I struggle to articulate things I feel when I’m limited to short sound-bytes and our short-form social media culture makes it hard to truly express the depth of our feelings at times. So, I’ve turned to a longer format in order to try process my feelings around Prince’s death. It helps to write it down as I can candidly reflect on just how meaningful his influence has been in my life (and what I can learn from it) but also I see it as a way of maybe honoring his legacy and inviting you deeper into his artistry through the eyes of how I knew and looked up to him, from a distance.

Prince, entirely changed the way I make, listen, think and feel about music. He held the tension between pop and experimental music in ways that have shaped me and given me the courage to pursue these sides of myself as an artist. He could be aggressive and explosive in ways that felt completely unhinged and sometimes on the brink of madness, then hold the most gentle, sensual and elegant posture in the next breath. He rode the line between masculine and feminine, unveiling characters we recognized in ourselves… he spoke of the animal, and the god within, the primal beast and the humble soul seeking cosmic significance and oneness with god… he NEVER apologized for the things he wrote about and never censored his art to pacify the masses… he was controversial and daring but never cheaply shocking, he lived inside a paradox, balancing opposites and holding the tension. As he evolved musically, spiritually and emotionally, he continued to produce work, never looking back, never being defined by anything he released, but fearlessly expressing himself with an unapologetic passion that completely captured me from the day I bought ‘Musicology’ as a 14yr old in a record store in New Zealand to the day I stood in front of him at the Grammy’s in 2013.
Prince inspired me to push forward in my ambitions and never set limitations to the kind of artist I will be. He didn’t let anyone define him and also showed the world that even when people tried to challenge that, he would always fight to release his art. He was never pushed down by the structures put on him. His artistry and expression had no bounds.

And Yes, that’s right, I said ‘Musicology’. The first Prince album I properly lived inside. So I came to Prince pretty late, but in some ways I feel this album allowed me to discover Prince in a different way than perhaps others did. I didn’t have the context of Purple Rain or the notion that he was as big of a star as I later realized. I knew his name but it was this moment that I crossed from being curious to being enamored.
I remember seeing the video for Musicology on Juice TV in New Zealand and buying the album for myself at my local record store. For months after I remember singing Call My Name at the top of my lungs in my bedroom.

Next, I ventured deeper and discovered his very first album, For You. This was around the time I was myself building arrangements and making demos completely from vocals. I heard the opening song for this record and just couldn’t believe the musicality and craft within this song. Not only was he 20years old when he made this album but he played everything on it and produced it himself.

It wasn’t long till I was completely deep in Prince’s entire catalogue. I’d become obsessed. I found so much fulfillment in his songs… there were many of the same things I appreciated in modern r&b music but when Prince did it, it was different…. the dimension and texture of everything felt tactile, deeply intentional and soulful like nothing I’d heard before. There was a constant sense of unease and wildness, as if he might jump OUT of the stereo at any moment… everything provoked such a deep reaction in me. I had become fascinated with a lot of experimental music at this time and also heavy rock and metal. I started to see threads of Prince in so much of the music I had been listening to. His influence became evident everywhere. He was the starting point for so much of what I gravitated to in the music I’d come to love. Of course, his own starting points were in Sly, George Clinton, Jimi Hendrix, and naturally it was Prince who pointed me to their music too. I’d found a kindred musical mind and a kind of permission to own all the juxtapositions of my own musical exploration.

My interest in production started with a fascination for Prince albums also. There was something dangerous about the production on his records, he left jagged edges. You could feel sweat, there was something so real about it. I had found an artist that truly showed me the scope of possibilities that one could explore as a pop artist. The progressive, genre-bending, psychedelic aspects of my current favorite bands at the time were all elements I now discovered in Prince records. I found myself referencing his songs in almost every musical conversation, no matter the genre of the artist. I began to realize that so much of the music I loved (even the heavy metal I was listening to) ultimately traced back to funk. And my father of Funk was Prince. He took me to school. While my friends went to university and studied their degrees, I studied this artist and the records he made. I continue to tell people that almost everything I need to learn as a producer and a songwriter are found in his albums.

In 2011 I signed to Warner Bros and began working with Lenny Waronker, who signed Prince to the label as an 18year old and continued to work closely with him over the years. I remember my first visit to Warner Bros and seeing photos of him all over the wall. I couldn’t believe he had walked the same floors, sat in the same rooms as I had… He also fought huge battles in that building and I knew this was home to a lot of stories.
Lenny often shares stories with me about Prince and there are a few I’ll never forget.
Like the one where Prince played him, ‘When Doves Cry’.
Lenny explained that Prince had concerns about there being no bass in the song. I couldn’t believe it, Prince with a concern about his song?! Part of me felt he must be free of self-doubt.
But something about this story reminds me that he had moments of fear about fitting into the constructs or at least the idea of what a song should be.
Prince explained that he felt the song was finished. But he also knew most of his songs centered heavily around bass. Could he leave it like this?
He played it for Lenny. Lenny got so lost in the song, he hardly noticed it. He told him it would probably be fine with a bass line if he added it, but it sounds great as it is, and he should probably just put it out.
And so he did.

I think of this story when I’m struggling with my own art and questioning wether something fits neatly into a genre or traditional song format and doubting it if it doesn’t.
Prince had a relentless trust in his instinct, and that was something that he stood by no matter what. His instincts and intuition. Luckily, the best A&R’s knew to get out of the way and let that intuition ultimately drive things.

When the album ‘Diamonds and Pearls’ was played for Warner Brothers back in 1991…no one knew where it would fit. Record executives were sure there was no song for Urban Radio. When this information was passed onto Prince he simply said ‘it sounds like you’ve got a marketing problem’ and hung up. Lenny tells me this story while laughing, he fondly reflects on Prince’s stark honesty. But he notes that he was also an intent listener, and incredibly smart and up for a challenge. After hanging up the phone, he went back into the studio over the weekend. Monday morning came around and he called Lenny saying ‘you’ve got a new baby’. He’d written a new song. Lenny said he remembered Prince coming in with the song and looking ‘so damn good’…. then there it was, ‘Get Off’.
Dark, dirty, provoking, a slick fit for urban radio and undeniably brilliant.

When people didn’t know what to do with him, he would tell them to work it out, then come back with something even better, he could play the game, but the game never played him.
No record that Prince ever made was easily marketable in terms of definable genres or subject material. He was a force that stood entirely in his own league, unmatched and ever-evolving.
One thing that inspires maybe the most about Prince is his wildly prolific and varied catalogue. When we sit and go through his albums now we will see it from start to finish, and it’s truly the journey of an unstoppably creative spirit constantly navigating and shifting but never being held to any one piece of art he makes, instead, he was always looking forward.. there’s a lightheartedness, a lack of preciousness even, to the way Prince has released music over the years. His experimentation and exploration is played out before us in his records. It is not a neat, manicured body of work…. it’s raw, visceral and most of all, captures a moment.

Making Vows was a time where I grew my appreciation of the deep craft of Prince as the songwriter and producer. I remember the day we started production on Old Fame because Francois Tetaz has started introducing me to Purple Rain in a deeper way than I’d ever known it. Together we studied The Beautiful Ones. To this day this remains one of my all-time favorite songs and what I believe to be perfectly crafted in emotion, groove, intensity, texture, subtlety, soul and passion. The drum beat in this song evoked so much in me, it was so punchy, but then the dream synths came in and the pitch shifting drone of the one high string drunkenly wailing over the whole arrangement. 

The yearning in Prince’s songs struck such a chord in my own mode of expression. He sang in a way that so abandoned and spoke to my soul. He never let his voice stay tied to one sound or space. He would send tingles up your spine in a chilling low tone, eerie and creepy then flaunt the most impeccable falsetto that would dance and shimmer over the song. His voice to me was an incredible instrument. Coupled with his fierce guitar playing and ear for production and songwriting, I had found all the things I aspired to in one artist. He could write a song so seemingly simple and lullaby-like, then sneak in dazzling complexities for those who scratched beneath the surface. He could twist a song on its head while keeping you captivated and immersed the entire time. As freaky as it got, it always maintained a sense of the familiar. Every time I heard his songs, I would hear new textures and detect new subtleties in the landscapes that I hadn’t heard before. He left things raw enough for the listener to go inside and feel for themselves. Even when the production turned shinier in latter albums, there was always a danger to the way things interacted in the arrangements, a kind of untamed energy so that even though he could shift the sound worlds dramatically they always felt authentically Prince - in the way they could grab you at the throat one minute then caress you the next. But he never shut the listener out with tricks. The syncopation was like hypnosis. The dissonance evoked intrigue, instead of isolating the audience. This balance of depth and accessibility is my endless fascination with Prince.

Prince was fiercely prolific and Crystal Ball is an example of this. Originally released as a 3disc set, with a bonus 4th disc of Prince just on acoustic guitar. He held just as much command in this setting.
The fourth disc includes another of my favorite songs, Dionne. I loved to unveil these gems within Princes world. Little pieces of the puzzle. I felt like I was in on a secret when I heard some of these bootlegged songs. It was so exciting to dig through and discover .

The title track of Crystal Ball quickly became another of my favorites by Prince. I would love asking people, ‘but have you heard Crystal Ball?! I’d sit them down and make them listen to this entire almost 11 minute song and pointing out my favorite parts while it panned psychedelically around the speakers. The song made me feel like I was on a trip and I couldn’t believe his ability to move in these avant garde worlds as effortlessly as he did in a song like ‘Kiss’.
‘Expert Lover, my babe… Ever had a crystal ball?’ I would listen to it over and over. He assigned Camille (alter ego) to some of these freakier tunes and I loved how this character could exist in its own little world, this strange genderless character he would bring into songs. Prince was the first artist that led me to explore characters in my music. I would always write for different characters in my music, and hear arrangements as conversations between dark and light or just different voices within myself. When I heard the way Prince cast himself in so many characters in his songs, I felt that permission for my music to also explore these different voices and create fun roles for them.

There were so many sides to Prince and ways in which he expressed himself but there was another side to his music that maybe wasn’t as well known or far-reaching, and those were his songs exploring faith. To this day, one of my all time favorite gospel songs is one written by Prince himself called, The Cross.  
I’ll never forget the power I found from this song when I first listened to it and how it has continued to empower me in my own faith journey. The lack of fear in proclaiming his truth is endlessly inspiring to me. He moves in and out of subject matters that seem almost frivolous, temporal one minute then profound, sacred and mystical the next, all of this so deeply reflecting our own fragmented navigation through a life of both spirit and flesh.

Fast-forward to 2013 and I was suddenly at the Grammys with my friend Wally for a song called Somebody I Used to Know. I remember our faces when we saw Prince on stage, and the genuine shock and amazement of our all-time musical idol standing in front of us. I remember thinking to myself ‘I wonder who the person will be to receive an award from Prince!!!…that must be the ultimate honour ever!!….’ …. For a moment I completely forgot we were even in the category. My attention was so focused on the fact that he was up there that I forgot that there was a chance he was holding OUR names in that envelope. Then he said it. Gotye and Kimbra. He also said, ‘I love this song’.
He removed his shades and handed us the award. My smile was so big it was starting to hurt, my face was holding that kind of look elation that verges on tragedy, almost paralyzed in an ecstatic wonderment… I remember our gazes locking and him bowing his head subtly and gracefully. When it came time to speak, I was still only thinking about Prince. Yes we had won a Grammy, but PRINCE was standing next to us with his cane and impeccable outfit and he has just honored US. All I could do when it came to my turn on the mic was to thank him. The inspirer and innovator who came first.
Hearing these words come out of my mouth : ‘I just want to thank Prince’ and to look over and see him there graciously accepting… well, that was quite unforgettable.

I never interacted with Prince directly after that night although there were a couple of moments where it nearly happened. Prince had requested for security and a reservation of seats at one of our past shows in Minneapolis although he never arrived (not an uncommon occurrence for one of the worlds most mysterious superstars).
I was also asked us to perform at Paisley Park last year and although I was off my touring cycle when the request came through, we had planned to make it one of the first shows on announcement of a new record.

Aside from feeling a sense of loss that our paths may not directly meet again (at least in this physical realm), my most treasured memory involving Prince was probably a text conversation I had with my friend Janelle Monae last year. I had been asked to give my favorite 10 Prince songs for an interview piece by an Australian blog and Janelle mentioned to me that Prince had seen it, he wanted her to tell me that he loved The Golden Echo and his favorite song is ‘Carolina’.

I’ll never forget that feeling of knowing that something I had created had ended up in Prince’s stereo and he had listened to it and even picked a favorite track.
It was such a high honor and encouragement to be acknowledged by my idol and that’s something I’ll always hold so close.

I am so grateful that I got these small personal glimpses into the world of Prince. I was lucky to see him perform once in Melbourne. It was incredible and exceeded all expectations of Prince as a force of musicianship, soul and the Father of Funk that I came to learn from over the years. He he has passed on to be with the others now but what a gift we have in the music he left behind.
He will always be the strange and Beautiful One to me, and I can’t speak higher words of the influence his music has had on me and others I have known.
I feel there is a baton we must take up now as artists of the younger generation. His spirit lives on through us. I’ll be forever grateful we were all able to experience true artistry like this and I encourage everyone to dig deep into the discography with a reverence for the joy and magic that lies there.

Kimbra

Part 1

I have been thinking a lot about the role of pain and suffering in our lives.

We live in a world that would rather run from feelings of discomfort than face them head on or worse, live inside them for a period of time. We have worked out ways where we can avoid seasons of what the ancient Mystics described as, ‘the dark night of the soul’. To me these are times when we carry heavy burdens and are left with the emptiness of our own loneliness which can lead to fear, perhaps negative inner voices, maybe even an existential crisis which can threaten to derail us from our true selves. We make great efforts to set up a sense of security (for those of us living in the West, this is probably found in establishing our own ‘identity’ or 'sense of self’ but for many in the rest of the world, this security may be found in just knowing you have enough food and money to survive) so that when it is shaken it can feel like the world is ending. 

Either we face these pains or we deny them in order to convince ourselves they’re not real. Could it be we actually need these experiences of pain to teach us life’s most important lessons? To expose and evolve us into the people we’re truly destined to be?

Are we running from this confrontation with pain out of fear for how it will change us?I am coming to believe that change is exactly what we are here for. To grow, evolve and to become more and more human and divine at the same time. The human experience must involve pain and suffering purely because it is only in these moments that we are forced to stop and listen to our lives (or as CS Lewis put it,  “We can ignore even pleasure. But pain insists upon being attended to”) and further, to endure and discover a strength within us that we could never have known were it not for these seasons of darkness. 

It has been said that one must die to themselves, to find themselves. More and more I am beginning to understand this, but I also realize how in conflict this thinking is it to our culture which is built on a system of human beings establishing a very strong identity for themselves and holding on extremely tight to who you think you are. But then comes a moment where all of that us challenged and we are forced to reassess who we are entirely! 

In these moments, a space opens up in us that is far bigger than any constructed idea of an identity can fill. A space opens for us to become a part of a story, a bleeding organism, a body of people who find their purpose in serving one another through their gifts and also through their pains. My pain and suffering has grown a new empathy in me. I think when you have truly suffered, you begin to look at a person differently when they share their own story. You look, and you see your brother or sisters pain. You really see it. You don’t just observe it from a distance and eventually be led to judge if you don’t understand where their pain comes from since it is outside your realm of experience. If you have not lived with pain in an honest way, you may even be very afraid of that persons suffering, it is a feeling you can’t find a reference point for. Often we are scared of the unknown and rush to define it quickly so that we remain unchallenged by what life is trying to teach us.I recently read a book called Letters to A Young Poet and connected deeply with this quote about feelings of sadness producing fear simply because they are unknown and the mind and body hasn’t yet developed a way to deal with it.

“It seems to me that almost all our sadnesses are moments of tension, which we feel as paralysis because we no longer hear our astonished emotions living. Because we are alone with the unfamiliar presence that has entered us; because everything we trust and are used to is for a moment taken away from us; because we stand in the midst of a transition where we cannot remain standing.
….But your solitude will be a support and a home for you, even in the midst of very unfamiliar circumstances, and from it you will find all your paths.”

-Rilke

Part 2

This past year I have encountered a lot of unfamiliar feelings that I look back on now like teachers who were sent to somehow shape me with the invaluable lessons that only pain and suffering can teach. Through taking time to really sit inside these emotions, I’ve found within myself a hope and faith that can exist regardless of external circumstances. Although weak, this small flicker of light was enough to fuel an entire fire and eventually fan into flames far grander than I could have ever imagined. An invaluable joy and acceptance. I feel as though this hope was put through a time of testing in order to prove that it truly was enough to see me through. We all need these moments of witnessing our own strength to overcome. To realize that our pain and suffering are not in vain and they are not meaningless. How we respond and allow ourselves to be changed by times of pain are what truly make us human. These experiences shape the person we are to become. Through these seasons of darkness, I felt constant temptations to become victimized and feel powerless to the feelings of isolation and fear. There are moments when we are not sure wether we are strong enough to withstand the jolts and inner tornadoes that life can throw at us but my belief is that we only truly grow to understand each other and ourselves from spending periods in this unfamiliar (or perhaps very familiar for some people) space, in order to reaffirm what is important to us and perhaps be stripped of the obstacles in our way. Perhaps to lose ourselves in order to find ourselves.

“Man is originally characterized by his “search for meaning” rather than his “search for himself.” The more he forgets himself—giving himself to a cause or another person—the more human he is. And the more he is immersed and absorbed in something or someone other than himself the more he really becomes himself.”

-Viktor E Frankl

There are times on stage where I feel like I lose my sense of self altogether… the moment takes on a timeless quality, the space feels unbound and I feel a deep sensation of oneness with the sounds and people in the room. These are always the shows I enjoy the most, where I am abandoned and lacking in self-consciouness. True love casts out all fear. In these moments I experience a kind of unconditional love and transcendence that detaches me from thought or judgement, and plunges me into a state of purity.

“The basic project of art is always to make the world whole and comprehensible, to restore it to us in all its glory and its occasional nastiness, not through argument but through feeling, and then to close the gap between you and everything that is not you, and in this way pass from feeling to meaning. It’s not something that committees can do. It’s not a task achieved by groups or by movements. It’s done by individuals, each person mediating in some way between a sense of history and an experience of the world.”

-Robert Hughes

As I have encountered more pain in my life, music have become less about myself and more about service. Realizing the power music has to speak to the soul in a way that words can’t, I feel devoted to it. I am in awe of how music has the ability to connect us in such a mysterious and mystical truth. My pain is set free in these moments but also given a worth. I am reminded that we do not suffer in vain but that it is a reminder of what binds us as human beings, this daily decay of our bodies is a constant proof of our finiteness yet we have this ability to be transported beyond our finite existence. In these moments we glance a small window into the infinite and realize that it lives within us. The possibility is opened wide in these communal experiences of music or art that inspires us. 

We glimpse an expansiveness within ourselves and a capacity for love that seems to go beyond the realm of our day to day experiences…. and further, this capacity is made possible through pain and suffering. As we sit in our pain, we find in us the ability to transcend it, to see a way out and therefore know that it is possible. During a recent yoga practice, I was introduced to this quote that has really stuck with me :

“For a seed to achieve its greatest expression, it must come completely undone. The shell cracks, its insides come out and everything changes. To someone who doesn’t understand growth, it would look like complete destruction.”

-Cynthia Occelli

Our destruction is our renewal. Our suffering can become our redemption. We can endure with hope and be shaped by our darker moments. Fear is only cast out by love. But love must be received and space must be created in order to receive. Suffering challenges our sense of self, moves us toward humility, a place where we can understand grace, the gift of love, not something to be earned and fought for, running from anything that stands in our way. There is purpose to the pain that we face, in whatever form it takes.

Part 3

My time in Ethiopia taught me that pain is relative. It is not something to be compared and seen as different between simply because one seems more intense than the other. From the outside it may be so, but for that person, the pain could be just as potent and paralyzing as the others. It could be in the context of a women with HIV, struggling to support her 5 children and stay alive because of the lack of work and the stigma surrounding her illness, her life may have seen rape, murder, all kinds of injustices and yet she is still struggling to survive and faces fear everyday for her life. This kind of suffering seems incomparable to someone in my position or maybe your position. If we live in the West we have access to resources and wealth that most people could hardly dream of, we are not fearing for our lives and have far more than we need to eat and be entertained, yet we still face incredibly dark moments and suicide rates that continue to skyrocket. We have systems of denial and distraction that lead us to breakdowns and fears or addictions that boil down to the exact same set of emotions: fear… loneliness… confusion.. pain… suffering. My pain is relative to my realm of experience and my incredibly unique set of circumstances, just as yours are.

“To draw an analogy: a man’s suffering is similar to the behavior of a gas. If a certain quantity of gas is pumped into an empty chamber, it will fill the chamber completely and evenly, no matter how big the chamber. Thus suffering completely fills the human soul and conscious mind, no matter whether the suffering is great or little. Therefore the “size” of human suffering is absolutely relative.”

-Viktor E Frankl

The women I met in Ethiopia had faced things I can’t even comprehend yet I saw in them all experience the same emotional struggles that I have faced in my own ways. Heartbreak is everywhere and fear comes in many forms. Every single human being faces these things and I realized that this was ultimately what connected me with these women as we held hands at the women’s centre talking about the hardest moments in our lives. They told me stories of injustice, pain, loss, sickness and I was often brought to tears at just how hard life has been for them, but when it came time for me to share some hard moments in my life, I saw these women change from victims sitting in a circle to mothers all reaching out to me with equally tear-filled eyes as I told them (slightly embarrassingly) the story of how I left my homeland when I was 17 and missed my family often because I only get to see them once a year. 

One could say this is a small in comparison and almost petty pain to compare with the things these woman have been through but to see them look upon me with such love and understanding was a moment I will never forget. They knew the bonds of family. It is everything to them. Although they had very tough lives, they did still have each other… their community and their children to love (although they feared they could not give them good lives). Their hearts broke at the thought of me being away from my family across oceans and they understood that we all share the same pains because they are relative to what we have known and experienced. 

No one can tell you your pain is less than another’s, it is a void that lives inside you and the intensity of depression and anxiety can be just as numbing and paralyzing to a persons life as the kinds of suffering I beared witness to while I was in Africa. We are all bound by love and we are all broken by it. Where one person is broken by famine, another is broken by infidelity…. one experiences the loss of a father, one experiences the loss of their identity in an existential crisis or acute panic attack. I feel a new empathy within myself as I come to understand this. A celebration of the pains we have all lived through rather than a need to run from them and design a life that blocks them out.

“The more you try to avoid suffering, the more you suffer, because smaller and more insignificant things begin to torture you, in proportion to your fear of being hurt. The one who does most to avoid suffering is, in the end, the one who suffers most.”

-Thomas Merton

For a long time I had a fear of physical pain. It’s not uncommon to fear needles etc of course but I was very resistant to discomfort and I think this also bled into a fear of uncomfortable circumstances and difficulties in life. I’ve always had very high expectations for myself, standards I would often fight to attain in an obsessive way, perhaps to avoid a feeling of vulnerability, which may open a chance for pain and suffering to overtake. It is not uncommon to feel fear arise in unfamiliar circumstances but for me this could prove to be very hard when so much of my life is about stepping into unfamiliar territories - in fact my very spirit thrives in this space! - but alongside this joy of new situations, there can also be a resistance - fear can build into obstacles that ultimately need to be knocked down. Sometimes there’s only one way for that to happen. Through a season of pain and suffering where we are forced to reassess and stare our fears in the face… We either fall victim to them, or endure the ‘dark night’ and transcend it.

‘For the external self fears and recoils from what is beyond it and above it. It dreads the seeming emptiness and darkness of the interior self. The whole tragedy of “diversion” is precisely that it is a flight from all that is most real and immediate and genuine in ourselves. It is a flight from life and from experience—an attempt to put a veil of objects between the mind and its experience of itself. It is therefore a matter of great courage and spiritual energy to turn away from diversion and prepare to meet, face-to-face, that immediate experience of life which is intolerable to the exterior man. This is only possible when, by a gift of God we are able to see our inner selves not as a vacuum but as an infinite depth, not as emptiness but as fullness. This change of perspective is impossible as long as we are afraid of our own nothingness, as long as we are afraid of fear, afraid of poverty, afraid of boredom—as long as we run away from ourselves’

- Thomas Merton

Part 4

This year I got my first tattoo. While being highly symbolic for me, it was also a deeply spiritual act as I learned to sit inside a controlled form of pain and wait till it passed in a state of surrender. I felt the deep desire to mark this time of my life after returning from Ethiopia. This entering into a new relationship with pain, symbolized through a physical experience of pain. My fear of the unfamiliar was uprooted in this act and it gave birth to a radical acceptance. It was a deep act of devotion to myself and to the lessons I have learned from pain. I drew a design for my arm that would represent 3 things I want to be reminded of always. Joy, grace & pain. I drew 3 lines like roots along my veins marking how these experiences had now entered my bloodstream and the very flesh of who I am. To remind me that our experiences are ultimately gifts that can never be taken from us, memories to hold onto and perhaps they will become a compass for how we will live in light of them.

‘…….That is why the sadness passes: the new presence inside us, the presence that has been added, has entered our heart, has gone into its innermost chamber and is no longer even there, - is already in our bloodstream. And we don’t know what it was. We could easily be made to believe that nothing happened, and yet we have changed, as a house that a guest has entered changes. We can’t say who has come, perhaps we will never know, but many signs indicate that the future enters us in this way in order to be transformed in us, long before it happens. And that is why it is so important to be solitary and attentive when one is sad: because the seemingly uneventful and motionless moment when our future steps into us is so much closer to life than that other loud and accidental point of time when it happens to us as if from outside. The quieter we are, the more patient and open we are in our sadnesses, the more deeply and serenely the new presence can enter us, and the more we can make it our own, the more it becomes our fate.”

- Rilke

The first stem was inspired by the sacred markings I observed on the necks of women in Ethiopia, reflective of their devotion, but also their endurance and courage. I discovered a joy on this trip that was unlike any other I’d felt before - a new capacity for love - I think of all they taught me and the way my spirit danced during that time whenever I look at it. 

The middle stem is a cross; also a symbol of suffering. In fact, literally an instrument of death in a historical sense, but to me, a symbol of hope that is only fully understood within the context of pain. Spirituality and faith is a path of seeking that will never cease for me, but along the way I have always found great courage in the symbol of the cross and what it says about our humanity and our ability to overcome. Ultimately it speaks of our connection to a love that is greater and living within all of us, perhaps only fully realized in the face of pain…. in the moments of our humility…. the moments when we forgive…. when we offer ourselves in service to another instead of trying to control them. 

When I reflect on my my greatest musical ‘highs’ on stage, I don’t feel any ownership in those moments. I feel more like a vessel or as my friend Ruban Nielson put it : ‘like an antennae to god, simply downloading’. I want to remind myself of this everyday. Although the cross has been a symbol to support many inhumane and un-servicing acts throughout history, at it’s core it symbolizes hope and redemption. These days I hold little faith in the word ‘christian’ or the institutionalized ‘church’ but I have a lot of faith in what the cross represents and my own experiences in coming to understand this. If we are destined to endure pain as christ did (though we all experience pain indifferent ways), we are perhaps also destined to posses a divinity that allows us a way to find meaning in suffering. 

As someone who grew up with no religious or spiritual direction whatsoever, I have been drawn back time and time again to the profoundness of this message but also to the call of unconditional love that exists for everyone despite our circumstances and individual experiences. By seeking this core message I have been led to teachers like Thomas Merton and Father Laurence Freeman who sparked my explorations into the mystic writers of Buddhism, Judaism and Islam - this learning has led me into a far deeper engagement with faith and an excitement at the possibilities for real transcendence in life.  To me, this cross symbolizes a love that lacks fear

… It’s a reality I want to move deeper into…. a place where there is no judgement… where pain is a chisel that carves away at the ego within man and all it’s delusions of grandeur. .. it carves to make space for a new understanding of myself as just one part in the whole. 

To me, the cross also says we are connected vertically (both heaven and earth live within us) and connected horizontally (with each and every person surrounding us and our very planet itself).A symbol is only as good as the meaning it leads you to reflect upon. This is what I see.

“Only when we see ourselves in our true human context, as members of a race which is intended to be one organism and ‘one body,’ will we begin to understand the positive importance not only of the successes but of the failures and accidents in our lives. My successes are not my own. The way to them was prepared by others. The fruit of my labors is not my own: for I am preparing the way for the achievements of another. Nor are my failures my own. They may spring from failure of another, but they are also compensated for by another’s achievement. Therefore the meaning of my life is not to be looked for merely in the sum total of my own achievements. It is seen only in the complete integration of my achievements and failures with the achievements and failures of my own generation, and society, and time.”

- Thomas Merton

The last stem is a simple depiction of ‘the dark night of the soul’. Blackness. Darkness. A mark to symbolize that place of pain. Next to it are the grace and joy but they don’t remove the scars that pain leaves with us. We are changed by it. We are broken by it. It doesn’t always heal fully, but alongside the hope we have found, it is made beautiful. We are messy and glorious human beings.  Imperfection is in its own way, perfect. The order in nature is wild and seen sometimes as chaos to the eye that doesn’t understand. But the seasons pass and after the seed self-destructs, it gives birth.

“You must give birth to your images. They are the future waiting to be born. Fear not the strangeness you feel. The future must enter you long before it happens. Just wait for the birth, for the the hour of the new clarity.”

- Rilke

Part 5

Limitation and imperfection are not things we’ve grown to love in our modern life. But yet we are all faced with it. I personally live in a world where I can present a highly manicured version of myself to the world and appear to be without limitation, able to achieve my goals and given permission to explore myself as an artist and make money doing it. Yet, we all know artists are perhaps the most tortured when it comes to insecurity and being highly flawed while under pressure to present a version of yourself to the world - a version which many people have now grown to love. We are now all able to filter a version of ourselves to the world. While setting up a standard of perfection (be it on social media or even in just in our minds), we naturally feel pressured to meet that standard. A standard that doesn’t even exist except in the space of our ideals and fantasies. Part of my journey has been in accepting the perfection that lies within our moments of humanity and weakness. The very fact that someone is limited and imperfect yet able to transcend and display beauty through their brokenness is what makes life so wildly fascinating and extraordinary.

'The world, my friend Govinda,is not imperfect or confined at a point somewhere along a gradual pathway towards perfection. No, it is perfect at every moment. Every sin already contains grace within it, all little children already have an old person in them, every infant has death within it, and all dying people have within them eternal life. It is not possible for any person to see in another how far along the way he is. In the bandit and dice player a Buddha is waiting, in the brahmin a bandit’

-Hermann Hesse

This year I met Stevie Wonder and stood right next to him while he sung for a crowd of people with flashing cameras on his 60th Birthday celebration. I had tears streaming down my cheeks as I watched a man completely surrendered to service and abandoned to his gift while being so ‘limited’ and ‘imperfect’ by our worldly standards. His eyes don’t work like everyone else’s, this is a major limitation and imperfection of the body (one might say) yet I felt in the presence of an angel when he sang. My focus was not even on the man himself, but on what flowed out of him and the ability to move beyond what the world see’s as a ‘hinderance’ and be used as a vessel for such incredible healing to the world. Beauty out of brokenness. An acceptance of oneself that leads to a transcendence!

“Finally I am coming to the conclusion that my highest ambition is to be what I already am. That I will never fulfill my obligation to surpass myself unless I first accept myself, and if I accept myself fully in the right way, I will already have surpassed myself.”

- Thomas Merton

After a small accident in high school I broke my right arm and it never healed fully, as a result I can’t extend my right arm like my left arm. It is stunted before it fully extends and instead locks in an awkward position. It is of no major importance except that it reminds me of the odd and stranger parts of my body. This is where my three lines of my remembrance are. I can look there everyday and accept my body with all of its quirks. The parts that don’t do everything they’re supposed to. The imperfections that in a way are quite perfect and make me unique. I feel I am letting go of the need to strive for some perfect ideal and acknowledging the beauty in brokenness. The ability to move past pain or limitation and be used for great good in the world, despite our scars. Maybe even, because of them.

“It is therefore of supreme importance that we consent to live not for ourselves but for others. When we do this we will be able first of all to face and accept our own limitations. As long as we secretly adore ourselves, our own deficiencies will remain to torture us with an apparent defilement. But if we live for others, we will gradually discover that no expects us to be 'as gods’. We will see that we are human, like everyone else, that we all have weaknesses and deficiencies, and that these limitations of ours play a most important part in all our lives. It is because of them that we need others and others need us. We are not all weak in the same spots, and so we supplement and complete one another, each one making up in himself for the lack in another.”

- Thomas Merton

Remembrance is a discipline. I’ve found it so important to keep reminding myself of what I have learnt along this journey and although the stumbling never stops, to get up and continue failing better each time is far better than to stop growing altogether. Knowing that I am evolving as I surrender to all that pain has to teach me. I’ve decided to not let memories of painful moments veer me away from them, but to remind me of my ability to overcome. We all have the ability to experience great joy and even when it is denied us we can think back to the times when we were strong and summon this courage to face it again. Maybe this time, with less fear and more love.

“When you remember me, it means you have carried something of who I am with you, that I have left some mark of who I am on who you are. It means that you can summon me back to your mind even though countless years and miles may stand between us. It means that if we meet again, you will know me. It means that even after I die, you can still see my face and hear my voice and speak to me in your heart.”

- Frederich Buechner

Part 6

Can we even make friends with the darkness? Maybe not. But can we live there and perhaps find solace in the emptiness? This is hard when our world is designed around more things to fill the void. When we are faced with our own loneliness it can be very scary and unfamiliar, but these days I have come to think these are perhaps our most spiritual moments. The emptiness is created within us so that it can be filled, and what joy there is to find fullness of life within its utter simplicity. 

The tree does not sit and reflect on itself, it simply is. It serves its purpose and is nourished by its connection to the living earth. It lives in a harmony receiving all that it needs to grow from the nutrients that are given. It is pruned to make for better growth, all that it does not need is cut off. In the winter is is stripped bare and in the spring it reaps a harvest. It gives birth again. Perhaps in our states of darkness we can remember the tree’s in their various seasons and trust that they too experience stages of emptiness. But they are not forgotten by the earth.

“So you mustn’t be frightened, dear Mr. Kappus, if a sadness rises in front of you, larger than any you have ever seen; if an anxiety - like light and cloud-shadows, moves over your hands and everything you do. You must realize that something is happening to you, that life has not forgotten you, that it holds you in the palm of its hand and will not let you fall.”

- Rilke

Listen to your life. Share what you hear. Let it grow and never stagnate. Remember your pain and don’t be afraid to face it again. But this time, perhaps with a new understanding. Pain is there to teach you something and although we are never able to control the things that happen to us (life IS uncertainty after all) we are able to influence the situation. Maybe in the words we speak to ourselves, maybe in the reminders we look to, maybe in the messages that affirm our strength to overcome, maybe in reaching out or letting go, maybe on our knees in prayer, maybe in simply waiting for the season to pass, maybe by actively facing the fear - something I have done this year - proving that I don’t have to feel victim to the dark spaces I can find myself in. We each have a different path to take in overcoming, but I write this only to share some of what I have learnt and to honour the gift we have to help each other in times of need. 

If you read no other book this year, just try to read this, ‘Man’s Search For Meaning’ by Viktor E Frankl. I’ll end with a quote of his because I think it sums everything up very well. Be lifted.

“For what then matters is to bear witness to the uniquely human potential at its best, which is to transform a personal tragedy into a triumph, to turn one’s predicament into a human achievement.”

- Victor E Frankl

patience
patience
her time will come

broken queen of sheba
a promise written on her bones
africa arise
she will show them what she knows
I saw a vision
and it won’t let me go
patience
patience
she will reap all that she sows

sing out
from mount entoto
where the teff grass grows high
and the barley burns in the hands of black widows

where the children laugh
and stain the land
with hope and a future yet unknown
patience
patience
they shall reap what they sow

preparing the land for a great harvest
deep roots will penetrate the virgin land
she has been waiting for a lover to come
pure and forgiven

christ took the debt
bloodshed on the mountain
holy water won’t heal the wounds
but the scarred hands of love will make all things new

we are the hands and feet
reaching out to the forgotten many
creased skin and hollow eyes
small peaking portals to a sky

light spews through the cracks
good news carried for miles on her back
fire wood, bricks, candles and stone
she fights her way
she fights all alone

this is where the women cry
then wipe their salt away with a smile
shackles on their twisted ankles
heirs of a lost heritage
now they come to claim back a royal mess
but it returns as a message
a fragmented gospel
a woman by the well
beggars hands turn to blessing
the land rejoices in her kiss

this is where the untouchables unite
where they kneel and go to pray
god hears their song
while the priests push them away
high on a mountain
close to heavens eye
sleep brings solace
on the dirty ground they lie
in a mud hut their temples rise out of the dust

‘don’t lay your hands on us’ they cry
hush hush sisters
we softly proclaim
the face of grace holds no condemnation
no one will break the bond of mother ethiopia
and her children of god
apple of queen sheba’s eye
emperor’s descendants
africa’s delight

this is where the first woman rose
from the ancient homo sapien throne
we are the hands and the feet
once primitive and mute
now alive and speaking truth
justice held inside a shaking fist
let it pour out from the holy eucharist
see the veil is now torn and all are called
to break bread and step out from the shadows
now there are no gates and no walls

oh ethiopia
cradle of mankind
womb of humanity
gods very own spine

she breaks but is not broken
a new seed is soon to grow
patience
patience
she will reap what she has sown

beggars hands turn to blessing
they will lead her to the new morrow
the stones and trees will cry out if we do not
singing will burst out from the sorrow
so let us lift voices and write a glory song
be not troubled for hope is here

africa arise
there are new children to bear
for now there is no male no female no black no white
only love in the body of a broken christ

patience
patience
her time has come
no longer will she be wronged
this war has been won
now follow in the footsteps of a people strong
ancient, proud, where you belong
beggars hands turn to blessing
the eye that see’s becomes the heart that knows
soon she will reap all that she has sown

join voices from mount entoto
sing loud across the land
redemption
redemption
from the dust and the sand
glory has been bestowed
queen of sheba shines
on the land of scorched faces
carrying torches to the cross
the burden of a hundred generations

oh ethiopia
the broken bride
veiled in a vision and a promise
justice inside that shaking fist
heartbeat of the pulsing river Nile
from the summit of pain
births a new bloodline
no longer does she live in shame

we are the hands and the feet
this is where we come to speak
to touch and place our fingers in the palms
and reach through the wounded holes
find new beauty out of the burning charcoal

sweet ethiopia
a promise has begun
a good work started and a war that will be won
africa arise
beggars hands turn to blessing
lead us out of the corrupt and the carnal mind
send us a spirit not of division but of one
one love
one sun
a shining light for the world

oh ethiopia
the beautiful broken queen
she is calling
she is rising
we join hands and sing from mount entoto
glory
glory
shine on
we sing for the children
so the story shall be known