brutereason:

So the only thing from More Than Two that I’ve found somewhat problematic is this:

We have a right to to decide whether we will become—or remain—romantically involved with someone who suffers from depression, anxiety or any other psychological illness. While the stigma surrounding mental health issues needs to be confronted, and compassion and understanding for people coping with such issues are essential, we are not required to continue to engage in an intimate relationship with someone who suffers from a psychological health problem that may compromise our own well-being. This is each person’s own choice to make.

So, strictly speaking, this is true. I will always agree with the statement that it is a right to end (or avoid starting) a relationship with anyone at any time for any reason, even if that reasoning stems from *ism. I also think it is someone’s right to not get involved with me because I’m queer, or because I’m Israeli, or whatever.

And as Franklin and Eve point out in that passage, mental illness can impact someone’s partners, so that’s especially their call to make.

However, I’m uncomfortable with the lack of distinction between a diagnosis/identity, and some particular set of behaviors. Maybe this is just because I’m solo poly, but I resent the idea that my depression necessarily impacts my partners any more than a neurotypical person’s down times would. The main way it impacts them is that actually that it means I’m less talkative and energetic than someone else might be, but I also think my level of talkativeness and energy fits well within the bell curve.

But that, too, is a behavior. You can say, “I am not okay with dating someone who engages in self-harm,” or “I cannot date someone who needs me to be available to listen to them talk about really sad things a lot,” or “I need a partner who is comfortable attending loud noisy social events with me,” or  ”My boundary is that I will not date someone who sometimes gets so upset they scream at me when I’ve done nothing wrong, even if this is being triggered by their mental illness.” These are all very different things from saying, “I will not date someone who tells me that they have been diagnosed with depression.”

It reminds me a lot of when men on OkCupid would tell me that they won’t date me because I’m bisexual, and when I asked why, they’d say things like “Because I feel like you’ll cheat.” Or when lesbians say they won’t date bisexual women because “They’re more likely to have STIs.” Okay, but cheating and having STIs are separate from being bisexual. Just because I’m depressed doesn’t mean I’m going to threaten suicide or cry all the time. If you think that that’s what being depressed necessarily looks like, then you’ve let stereotypes and media representations define depression for you.

Anyway, obviously obviously obviously as I have already said, I will defend anyone’s right to end/avoid any relationship for any reason, including a mental illness diagnosis. That is not up for discussion here. I have been dumped plenty of times because of my depression and I have made my peace with that more or less. However, I do think there’s space to point out that some of the assumptions that *cause* people to automatically avoid anyone with an MI diagnosis are flawed, and come from misconceptions about what mental illness is and how it is managed and treated.