Barry,

I was digging in my backyard just before, and apart from some cans and my current toothbrush, I found a time portal. 

This surprised me as I wasn’t expecting it, so I took a break to ponder my discovery and have a snack (the snack was disappointing as the muesli bar in my bag turned out to be a bar of soap in a wrapper). 

I thought I should pass on my knowledge to the authorities, but when I sought help from a nearby policeman I discovered it was just a very tall 12 year old. His mother wouldn’t let me teach him any nunchuck skills, so I had to leave my discovery unattended as I had an intervention to go to for my travel agent. 

Please send an agent or intern to secure the portal, and wait for me to get back before we go time-travelling. I am also bidding on a Nickelback single on eBay so can we wait until the auction is over too.

I can bring my nunchucks, a tube of tinea cream in case we have to shower in a public facility, and a new recipe I found for potato salad that I’m sure we’ll get an opportunity to try at some point.

I would advise you handle this discovery very carefully, as it could be quite important to the re-election. If you stuff this up, people will only remember you as is the guy who looked like Chris Rock who lost a time portal and/or ended the world. It happened to Stalin, no-one ever remembers his embroidery. Michelle can’t come, she might get hysterical like women do and I’d have to taser her.

See you later, Trav

PS. Can you help me out with my Video Ezy membership. I am banned for some late fees and they have instructions to shoot on sight.

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• President Obama
• Barack Obama
• USA
• Time Travel
• Time Portal
• Presidential Election