In the wake of the recent tragedy at Newtown Connecticut, I would like to first say that my thoughts and prayers go out to the victims of this horrific crime, who have suffered such incomprehensible loss that no father, mother, son, or daughter should ever have to face.
But as we emerge from this terrible event, a central question remains unanswered: how do we protect America’s children right now, starting today, in a way that will never allow this to happen again?
The only way to answer that question is to face up to the truth. Gun bans, gun restrictions, and gun-free zones give psychopaths and murderers a free pass to inflict maximum mayhem with minimum risk. The status quo is unacceptable and must be changed.
Politicians may hem and haw, crowing about their so called “statistics” and “studies” as they figuratively pump bullets into our children with the total irresponsibility of their gun control policies. The truth is obvious: the only thing that stops a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a bigger gun.
Therefore, to protect Americans from this sort of senseless violence from ever happening again, I propose that every man, woman, and child citizen of the United States be armed with an M249 fully automatic “light” machine gun and 200 rounds of military grade 5.56 mm armour-piercing assault rifle ammunition, because the only way to fight crime is to shoot back.
American taxpayers pay to provide armed guards to protect what we hold dear. Sports stadiums. Banks. Foreign dictators sympathetic to the United States. When our President is guarded by elite Secret Service agents, why shouldn’t our children, who we value most in the world, be able to protect themselves with weapons that can shoot 13 bullets a second? Rather than prevent criminals from easily (and legally) attaining military-grade body armour, why not give every citizen weapons that can penetrate military grade body-armour?
The benefits of provisioning ordinary Americans with light machine guns are too obvious to ignore. For example, obesity is a serious problem that kills more Americans than guns and smoking combined. However, carrying around a 22 pound “light” machine gun at all times would give Americans much needed exercise and help combat the epidemic that is sweeping the nation, another example of a way that guns can help save lives.
Additionally, there exists in this country a callous, corrupt and corrupting shadow industry that sells, and sows, violence against its own people: video games. The same way that all kids who play NFL 2K12 eventually grow up to become professional football players, filth like Bulletstorm or Grand Theft Auto are raising a generation of machine-gun-wielding, violent, Russian-accented gangsters. If every American had an M249, then our children would be raised on a healthy, positive way of relieving stress: shooting human-shaped silhouette targets in real life either for recreation or to practice shooting another human being. In self-defense, of course.
Now, I can already imagine the craven calls for blood that the critical liberal media is already cooking up: what about all the people who are hit by stray bullets? I concede that, yes, some people may be hit by stray fully-automatic self-defensive gunfire from untrained elementary schoolers. But it’s OK because freedom.
In these times of strife, it’s important to remember what’s dear to us. Our children, for example. But more importantly, our guns. It is an obligation of American citizens to possess heavy firepower that could harm innocent people, because our military has tanks and we should have tanks too and if they have better hardware than me or my neighbor, that’s tyranny. And let us not forget the unalienable rights of the recreational shooter. Joe the plumber should be able take a deserved break from a long week of work, kick back in a lawn chair with a can of beer, and shoot pieces of metal from a mile away with an anti-tank rifle. He should be able to bond with his son Joe Jr. by firing off a few hundred assault rifle bullets at watermelons in their backyard.
As we all know, guns do not kill people: people kill people. Taking the weapons that people use to kill each other with will not stop mass murders from happening again. When the headlines tell of another 250 people who were brutally strangled to death at the bare hands of another raving madman, know that gun control supporters will have blood on their hands. The killer won’t, because strangling is a generally bloodless method of murder.
There’ll be time for talk and debate later. This is the time, this is the day for decisive action.
We can’t wait for the next unspeakable crime to happen before we act. We can’t lose precious time debating legislation that won’t work. We mustn’t allow politics or personal prejudice to divide us. We must act now.
For the sake of the safety of every child in America, I call on every parent, every teacher, every school administrator and every law enforcement officer in this country to protect our children with the only line of positive defense that’s tested and proven to work: machine guns.