Worst Number Ones, 1963 Edition
We had a runaway winner this week, which is kind of unusual. More on that in a moment. This is the last year before The Beatles show up and rewrite music history. They’re doing it in England in 1963, but they don’t hit the US until next year, and I expect that will change the dynamic of this project a bit.
Before I get to the 2 finalists, here’s my special pick. This isn’t the worst number one of the year by any stretch, but it’s a song worth talking about because I think if it were released today, there would be a way different reaction to it.
Fortunately for us, the lyrics are embedded in this video, so we can be sure of what she’s saying before we’re creeped out by it. I almost can’t believe what I’m about to say: this is a song that was improved immensely by being repurposed into a religious song sung by nuns. The line “I will follow him” is way less stalkery when it’s being said about Jesus, even if you’re an avowed atheist like I am.
What really drove the creepiness of the song home for me was the repetition of the lines in the verses and the verses themselves. That emphasized the underlying sense that the “him” in this song had no idea what was going on, except that he was being followed by this very devoted woman who he happened to touch on the hand one day. There’s no indication of a relationship except from her perspective, no suggestion that he returns her devotion in any way. By the time the song finished, I had a vision of Peggy March with a butcher knife in her hands, standing over his corpse saying “I told him he was my destiny.”
Side notes about this year: no really dominant songs–the longest running number one was “Sugar Shack” by Jimmie Gilmer and the Fireballs at 5 weeks–and two number ones that were not sung in English, “Sukiyaki” by Kyu Sakamoto and “Dominique” by The Singing Nun.
Only two finalists this week; that’s how much of a blowout this was. Here’s the first:
That’s “Hey Paula” by Paul and Paula (who were actually named Ray and Jill, of course). When I was listening to the number ones for this year, I remarked that I was going into insulin shock from all the syrup in this song. This song is so precious that it’s impossible to take seriously. It’s a conversation between two kids who are just out of high school and already planning the wedding, though they haven’t talked about it until this very moment. And I just want to shake them and say “don’t do it. You are teenagers and stupid and you’re going to have kids too quickly and you’ll hate each other inside of five years and you’ll make everyone around you miserable. Go live your lives a while and then decide to do this.” Do I sound like I have experience with this? I waited until I was 20 (which suggests that I had the chance to get married before then, and I didn’t. But I would have, because that’s the only way I was going to have sex), but my sister got married right after she turned 18 to the guy she’d dated for four years, and who was about a 2 years older than she was. Neither marriage made it past year 6, and they only lasted that long because we were both very strict religious folk at the time. Years later, I’m in a 14 year relationship and she’s been in one longer than that. But it’s not the worst of the year.
That’s Steve Lawrence singing a song titled “Go Away, Little Girl,” and given that it starts with strings that scream schmaltzy romance, you know this isn’t going to be a song by a man on a diet yelling at some cookie-selling Girl Scouts. Nope, this is creeper central. I mean, at the time Steve Lawrence is singing this song, he’s 27-28, and “little girl” seems way inappropriate to me. The song doesn’t give specifics, but the whole time I was listening to this song, I was getting a “Don’t Stand So Close To Me” / Lolita vibe off of it, and I wasn’t alone. It got 13 of the 33 votes cast, and the second place finisher got 6.
And you want to know something really messed up? This song becomes a number one hit again, sung by Donny Osmond.
