Say Something Funny...B*tch

I hope you had a great Halloween!  Not to piss on your candy corn, but I’m not really a Halloween gal.   When I tell people who love Halloween that I’m not really into the holiday, it’s as if I told them I hate puppies and the Chilean miners.  When you announce that you hate Thanksgiving or Christmas,  you get “I’m fighting against society’s gluttony and consumerism” street cred.  When you don’t like Halloween, you’re just not fun.  

I like the idea of Halloween. Trick or treating kids in tiny, fuzzy costumes, adorable.  Conceptual adult costumes, impressive.  Gay men on parade, anything to piss off Carl Paladino.  I don’t like Halloween because I can’t handle the pressure of thinking and executing a clever costume and then standing around in that clever, uncomfortable costume for hours at a party.  I spend most of my days in Spanx and heels and most of my nights standing alone, trying to get a laugh out of another comedian’s gaggle of cousins from Temecula  Halloween is my night off.  I much rather stress over defrosting, brining and  cooking a turkey, going broke decorating a dead tree, madly cleaning and cooking for a Christmas party, and getting carpel tunnel from writing out holidays cards to the nice girl at the Coffee Bean or the guy I met at the thing.   If you’re not planning on hot gluing imported strands of silk into a Jusitn Bieber wig next Halloween, here are some ideas on how to spend your time:

1-Start planning that Thanksgiving centerpiece.  Calculate your Gourd : Actual dishes of food ratio. 
2-Start planning your Christmas theme.  Will your house be covered in Santas?  Reindeer?  Credit card receipts?
3-Drink a bottle of wine while staring at premium cable Sunday night programming and wonder where the year yet.  Count the bottles of wine you drank and the hours you spent watching premium cable Sunday night programming, and you’ll begin to piece the year together.
4-Get excited for “leftover pumpkin pie for breakfast” season.
5-Draft a list of lies to include in your Christmas letter since you spent most of the year drinking wine and watching HBO.

PS - Alisha thought of one of my favorite costume ideas, a Sexy Hoarder. I Google-imaged “sexy hoarder” and this is what I got: