Say Something Funny...B*tch

*Hey Lady at Ross with a kid in her cart that’s screaming for 5 minutes straight, I would love nothing more than for your offspring to shut their mouth so I can consider which $7.99 ill fitting shirt to purchase.  Since you seem to be oblivious to the high pitch sound which is emanating from your spawn’s pie hole, I will help you out.  I will count to 30…if the yelling hasn’t stopped…I will walk over to your kid….and smack it in the face.  I will not do this to harm the child, I will do this to educate.  I shall take no pleasure in it.  I will also follow that smack, with a smack to your face.  That I will take pleasure in.

(FOLLOW UP.  THE SCREAMING STOPPED AND I WAS NOT FORCED TO EXACT MY WILL, WHICH ULTIMATELY, WOULD HAVE LED TO MY ARREST)

*Hey cat named Boo, I know I just wrote about you last week and so you felt it necessary to pull some stunt that would get you noticed again this week….all I can say is, well played kitty…cause it worked.  Kitten, we need to have a chat about the times that you think it’s appropriate to spew nasty hairballs from your tummy onto the floor.  4:30 am, next to my head…..NOT THE PLACE.  Not only was it the nastiest hacking sound I’ve ever heard but it was also….disgusting, filthy and wrong on at least 10 levels.  I feel bad that you felt bad but I feel worse for me.  This is one of those times when cats suck the big one.  Please stop cleaning yourself in an attempt to prevent this situation from happening again.

*Hey Justin Bieber….I could give a sh*t whether you cut your hair or get a tattoo of Usher on your *ss.  Be quiet.  You look like Ellen Degeneres now, by the by.

*Hey crazy, emotionally unstable kid at the Tiki Bar I’m at…..maybe don’t drink so much.  You have become a burden to everyone around you.  No one will ever go out to drink with you again.  You are now ‘that guy’.    You are crying (yea…he cried and no…I didn’t care) and asking people to cover your tab cause you have no cash….you’re a lobotomy away from Charlie Sheen.  LOCK IT UP!

*Hey Weather….what the f*ck??????

*Hey Readers….prepare yourself…this isn’t a bitchy thought….I dig you.  Thanks for reading every week.