What's your secret?

Confession #6684: Nobody cares. I am literally dying inside. Walang masabihan ng nararamdaman ko. Nasa point ako ng life kung saan kapag may nangyaring masama sa’kin, ipagpapasalamat ko pa. Suko na ako. Hindi na ako masaya sa buhay ko. Puro nalang pain. Nakakalungkot lang isipin na sa dinami rami kong kaibigan, ni isa sa kanila wala akong malapitan. Kasi mga busy sila sa kani-kanilang buhay. Ayoko namang dumagdag pa. Ang hirap pala kapag may strong personality ka. Akala ng iba, akala ng lahat, okay ka. Kahit deep inside, wasak na wasak kana. Ang hirap kimkimin ng pain na nararamdaman ko. Kada gabi, hindi ako makatulog thinking of what ifs. Puro nalang yata pag-iyak ang ginawa ko sa buong buhay ko ngayon. Kelan ba ako sasaya? Gusto ko lang namang maging masaya. Pero bakit parang ayaw ng tadhana na sumaya ako? Lugmok na lugmok na ako sa nararamdaman kong sakit, galit, kalungkutan at disappointments. Fuck this life. I am such a mess. I am such a huge disappointment in the family. I shouldn’t be here. I wish I died before. Sana nadamay nalang ako nung sa kay tito. I’ve spent my entire life pleasing everyone in the fam to like me. To love me. To accept me. And i am tired. I want to escape from all of these shits. I can’t feel anything anymore; only pain. :( Pa, sunduin mo na ako. There’s no sense living this fucking life. I am tired of everything. I am tired of hearing those broken promises. I am tired of not being the priority. I am tired of not being enough. I am tired of pretending to be happy. I am so tired.

Letter #1184:

K, Dati nagtataka ka kung bakit ayaw na ayaw kong lumalapit or dumidikit sayo pag magkausap tayo, sabi mo pa sakin nun "bakit mabaho ba ako?". Higit pa sa kung mabaho ka, dahil diko kakayanin na maramdaman kang malapit sakin. Sa sobrang lakas ng pagkagusto ko sayo, kahit sarili ko kinatatakutan ko. Dahil alam kong kaya kong gawin ang lahat para sayo, kahit ano. Habang 2 years na kayo ni C, I'm still here after (3) years. Crush padin ba tawag dun? 😔💔 - K

Letter #1183:

Dear Louie,

We broke up and after a few weeks I found someone on the internet. He is very different from you. He treats me right and he thinks I'm pretty. He never hurt me the way you did. I said I love him and made plans for the future. The future that I wished I will share with you. I am confused if I still love you or I just miss you. He is precious to me but my heart doesn't beat louder that when I hear your voice. After all this time, I still wanna reach for the stars if you want me to.

Confession #6683:

Na meet ko siya sa Tinder this time last year. Isa kasi ako sa mga taong mahilig mag swipe pero wala naman balak makipag meet, for fun lang kung baga. Paalis na ako ng pinas non pero never kaming nawalan ng contact sa isat isa. Taga Benilde si koya mo, matalino, mabait tapos super family oriented. Di ko pa siya non gusto parang mag best friends lang kami na nag uupdate sa isat isa, habang ako living my life dito sa America never siya nawala sa picture he knows when I’m dating someone, alam niya lahat ng drama ko sa buhay and ako rin alam ko pag may dinidate rin siya sa Pinas. Halos araw araw kami mag kausap until we get so comfortable with each other, feeling ko siya yung unang nafall pero the timing wasn’t right nung nag confess siya kasi I’m dating this Doctor na super like ko talaga, but I was honest with him and made it clear that “US” can never be more than friends (kinaganda ko yun charaught), fast forward na, to make it short it’s the other way around na this time. Ako na yung na friendzoned and he’s busy with his own life atm. We still talk everyday pero di na kagaya ng dati. I just wanted to let this out kasi alam ko some of you na attached rin sa taong never pa naman nila nam’meet. So last night I told him na he’s better off without me. Alam ko naman na walang patutunguhan yung samin eh, yung feelings ko ipapaanod ko na lang hanggang sa mag subside and ma divert yung attention ko sa ibang bagay. Hopefully I’ll get over him soon. Kasi nakakabaliw pala na mag move on sa taong never mo pa naman nakikita in person pero halos alam mo yung buong pagkatao niya.

Letter #1182: To the bestfriend I fell inlove with

Alex,

This may come as a shock to you but I have always liked you since the day we met. I never saw you that way before but you have been that person I can truly trust and count on, you have seen me in my worst yet you were still there for me.

I wish I can tell you exactly when I started to feel this way. Maybe it’s that one time we were talking about our dreams one minute and then the next minute we were arguing about which team will win the game that morning. Those were my favorite conversations with you. You are someone I can have deep conversations with, at the same time someone whom I can talk to about absolute nonsense. 

Maybe it’s that time when you opened up and made me feel like I’m someone you trust and count on. I was always quick at doing things for you without thinking about myself but I don’t care because I want you to always be okay and happy.

Maybe it’s that time when I called you needing your help and you didn’t hesitate to come and stay with me even if it may get you in trouble. You never treated me with anything but goodness and I loved you for that.

It has been months since we have seen and talked to each other yet I would still do anything for you. But all these I can’t tell you because if there’s one person who would hate the fact that I love you, that person will most likely be you. Since the day we met, I have known that you were inlove with somebody else and I wouldn’t do anything to ruin what you both have. I may joke about it from time to time but I wouldn’t wish for anything that would make you unhappy. She is the luckiest girl in the world to have you. I already made peace with the fact that you will never see me the way I want you to and the only way that I was able to do that is by not speaking to you all these time. I heard you were wondering why I haven’t talked to you for a while, well, here’s why. I’m sorry if it felt like I’m avoiding you but speaking to you just reminds me of the fact that you’ll never feel the same way. It’s not that that’s what I want now, I’m not even sure if we’ll work out as a couple. It’s just that I haven’t liked anyone this much for years and I wasn’t planning to anytime sooner but then you came crashing in. You were everything I never thought I’d want but I loved you anyway. Always have, always will. 

I miss you so much it’s wrenching every part of me. It takes everything in me not to ask how you’ve been, I want to know what’s happening in your life but I also want to move on. It’s not impossible that we’ll never speak to each other again and if that’s the case, I just want you to know how lucky I am to have you as my friend. I will always be thankful for that. 

Maybe one day when we cross paths and I’ve already moved on, we’ll be bestfriends again. Until then, these are the last things I’ll say to you.

Love, Rosie

Confession #6682: My thoughts in points

I want to kill myself but i am too much of a coward to do so.

Financial problems galore

Fuck you life

Why am i so ugly? I dont even have a fucking ounce of beauty

I do not deserve to be sad because i am not pretty

Not one of those beautiful beautiful souls whose sadness makes them vulnerable and pretty and beautiful and even tho they try so hard to be unlovable you love them anyway

I am alone and will always be

I just want to die so people will be rid of me

But, too scared to pull the trigger

Too hopeful.

Hope is dangerous. Not recommended

Confession #6681: The other

I love my girl, I always do. She was my inspiration when I messed up, my companion when everybody leaves me behind and my best friend. She was. Things changed and I can not feel the butterflies and sparks anymore. I admit, I should be the one who gives that feeling but how about my feelings? I know it sounds so selfish and it’s wrong but I fell in love with one of our friends. Our friend is in a relationship with the other guy but this heart of mine just keep on beating everytime we’re together. I’m so lost right now and I don’t know what to do. I know that our friend is happy with his guy and it hurts me everytime I see them together.

I’m confused. I never felt this kind of love before and I hate it. I fell in love with a guy and every night I am drown with my own thoughts and how did it happened. I just know that everytime I’m with him, I’m happy.

One day he asked me “Paano kung tayo talaga no?” and I replied “Kapag bro, bro lang wala ng lalagpas doon kasi baka mabangga na tayo.” then he said “Okay lang mabangga basta maging tayo.” and that night my heart explodes. I’m sad because I know that this is hard for us and especially for my girl.

The next day, I made a decision so I wrote a short poem for him

“you love your guy and I love my girl, you give me sparks but we know it’s wrong you leave me quick and i think it’s right confusions starts cause we’re not that strong. “

but he changed the last part of my poem

“you love your guy and I love my girl, you give me sparks but we know it’s wrong you leave me quick and i think it’s right confusions starts cause we both know it’s hard.”

and from that day, I know he is also into me but we’re too afraid to acknowledge our love. We’re too afraid for the consequences of this feeling so I decided not to entertain our hearts. We’re good friends and we’re trying not to go beyond that.

I promise myself that after this confession, I will no longer make poems about him. I wish I could.

Confession #6680: I'm currently in a 2 and a half year relationship but I can't stop thinking about my ex these past few days. I'm happy and in love with my boyfriend now but I don't know why the hell I miss that guy. I became active again to tumblr just because I want an outlet where I can write whenever I think of him. I really feel like I'm cheating and I don't want to hurt anyone :'(

Random #518: Hi bloggers, can I ask you something? Uhm, how do you know if you still love someone? I was confused kasi, I thought I don’t love her na pero.. Idk, I don’t know if I just missed her or just miss the feeling, you know. Btw, never naging kami. We’re just friends, unfortunately. (Pls respond guys, love you!)

Confession #6679:

Funny isn’t it? To fall in love with someone na di mo aakalaing makikilala mo.

Isang araw,nagkaroon ako ng pagkakataon para magkausap kita. Day after day nagkakausap tayo. And eventually narealized ko nanagkakagusto na pala ako sa'yo.

Hanggang dumating sa point na sinabi ko sa sarili ko na TAMA NA,BAKA MAWALA PA YUNG PAGKAKAIBIGAN NATIN. Kaya minabuti kong itago na lang yung nararamdaman ko. Di dahil sa natakot ako,kundi dahil alam ko kung paano ilugar yung sarili ko.

But then,people change. So does you. Bigla na lang isang araw nawala na yung mga GOOD MORNING at KUMAIN KA NA messages mo. Di na tayo masyado nagkakausap.

Bumalik ako sa ex ko. Eventually,naging ok naman kami. Pero alam mo,nakwento kita sa kanya. Ikaw yung madalas kong bukambibig noon. Gustong gusto kong kinukwento yung mga bagay tungkol sa'yo at pag naalala ko,sumasaya ako. Hanggang sa di na siguro nakayanan ng ex ko,dumating sa punto na lagi na kaming nag'aaway. At isang araw,blinock ka niya sa facebook ko. Madalas na kaming mag'away noon. Kaya di ko na siya nasisi kung bakit siya naghanap ng iba at kung bakit di na kami masaya sa isa’t isa.

Matagal na panahon na din ang lumipas. Pero parang kailan lang ang lahat.

Gusto kong sabihin sa'yo na MINAHAL KITA. May mga gusto akong itanong sa'yo na hanggang ngayon tinatanong ko sa sarili ko.

ANO BA NARAMDAMAN MO SA AKIN NOON?

NAGUSTUHAN MO RIN BA AKO?

ANO NARAMDAMAN MO NUNG NAWALA AKO?

Sana sinabi ko na lang sa'yo na gusto kita. Sana narinig ko na lang sagot mo dati. Kahit hindi pabor sa akin at kahit masakit,marinig ko lang. Sana tinuloy ko na lang.

Confession #6678:

Gusto ko lang sabihin na masaya ako sayo, masaya akong nakakausap ka. Kahit LDR tayo, kahit lagi akong mukhang masungit at walang gana, sorry defense mechanism ko kasi yun eh. Di ko sinasadya, di ko rin namamalayan na nakakapagsungit na pala ako. Alam mo naman diba? Takot pa ko magtake ng risk, kahit 3 taon na ang nakalipas mula sa toxic relationship ko. Pero masasabi kong first time kong mag entertain ulit, kahit merong mga taong malalapit sakin dito na pumoporma sakin,hindi ko sila inentertain. Kahit nung yung happy crush ko eh pinopormahan ako di ko namamalayang nasusungitan ko pala kaya ayun sumuko. Pero ikaw, iba yung feeling ko sayo, iba yung feeling ko satin.

Kilala na kita noon, dahil matunog ang pangalan mo at popular ka nga, samantalang nung highschool eh di naman ako ganon kagandahan at di rin ganon kapopular. Nagulat ako nung nakilala kita, pinapasok mo ko sa mundo mo. Napaka fearless mo, walang limits mong sabihin sakin lahat sobrang nabilib ako sayo. Hindi ka papogi, hindi ka pagood shot, hindi ka nagpapalakas, pinapakita mo saking transparent ka sakin. Deep kang tao, gusto ko kung paano ka mag isip, kung paano mo idescribe sakin yung mga bagay mula sa mata mo. Iba ka. Napakabigat ng mga salita mo na nararamdaman ko talaga yung emosyon sa bawat salita. Nararamdaman kong espesyal ako sayo, at ang unfair ko dahil hindi ako nagiging vocal sa kung ano nga bang nararamdaman ko.

Pasensya ka na ha, natatakot talaga ako. Napakaunfair ko kasi pinapasok mo ko sa mundo mo pero yung akin may nagtataasan na bakod. Sobrang gumaan yung loob ko nung sinabi mo sakin na “Wag kang matakot, andito ako sasamahan kita”. Napanatag yung loob ko, dahil alam ko di mo talaga ako iiwan. Nasa akin lang talaga ang problema, natatakot akong magbitaw ng salita na mapanghahawakan mo. Natatakot akong magtake ng risk. Natatakot ako na baka magago ulit ako. Sorry ha, ikaw yung nagsusuffer sa kagaguhan ng past love ko. Pero wag kang mag alala, bubuuin ko lang yung sarili ko pero gusto ko andyan ka lang sa tabi ko. Gusto kita, kahit di ko man madalas sabihin. Gustong gusto kita, wag mo kong iwan, wag kang mawala dahil ibibigay ko pa sayo ang sarili ko kapag nabuo na ako.

Rant #794:

Gusto ko lang maglabas ng sama ng loob. Nag-away kami ni mama dahil sa tuition fee ng kapatid ko. Ang sabi ko, half sa kin, half kay ate kasi ang laki. Else, sa iba pag-aralin na mas mababa ang tuition fee, mga 20k-30k. Akala ko nakausap nya na dati, kasi sabi nya kakausapin nya. Nakausap na nga nya, hindi naman sinabi sa kin na di pala pumayag. Edi bakit dun pa inenrol ung kapatid ko? High school pa lang sya, ang mahal na agad ng tuition fee nya. Pano pa sa college? Wala pa kong naiipon dahil sa kanila. Gusto ko rin naman ng sarili kong buhay. Nakakainis. Tumutulong ka na nga, ikaw pa masama. Galing nyo eh. Ung tatay ko naman, napakawalang kwenta. Binilhan ng trike pamasada pero walang nacocontribute sa bahay. Dagdag gastos pa sa kuryente. Kung kelan maabutan ng init, bukas agad ng aircon. Big help, galing mo. Hindi na nahiya, kaming mga babae pa ang bumubuhay sa kanya. Dapat masakit un sa pride nya bilang padre de pamilya. Pero hinde, ang kapal lang talaga ng mukha nya.

Ang problema pa sa kapatid ko, inispoil nila. Ang tamad mag-aral. Pagkauwi, laro, internet. Pag sinabihan mong mag-aral, dedma. Pag pinagalitan mo dahil hindi nag-aaral, kami pa papagalitan ng tatay namin. WOW. Salamat ah, ikaw nagpapaaral eh. Galing mong pumapel wala ka namang kwenta. Kaya walang disiplina sa pag-aaral eh, kasalanan nila. Tapos ngayon, ako ung magsasuffer. Lahat ng pinag-hirapan ko, sa kanila mapupunta? Salamat ah. Malapit na. Konti na lang. Huli na to. To my parents, sana, wag nyong gawin to sa kanilang dalawa kapag sila naman ang nagtatrabaho. Sana makahanap sila ng trabaho na maganda at maayos. Sana, maisipan nyo ang ginagawa nyo sa min ngayon.

Random #517: There's nothing more crippling than the realization that you're alone, you've always been alone and you will always be alone. tangina. how to teach freedom po to grade 10 students? :(

Confession #6677: My friends always make jokes about me drinking and I've done some embarrassing shit. My best friend, I know, gets genuinely worried about it but I hide how much I actually drink from her. I'm 22 and I already fully well know at times I'm headed down the path to alcoholism if I'm not here already but I'm not ready to admit it to any of my friends yet because I'm not ready to address my underlying, hopefully soon to be diagnosed issues.

Letter #1181: 

Hi girl, 

Would you look at that. Gusto mo rin siya. Ilang years ba bago mo narealize yun? Swerte mo. Kahit umiyak ako dito na sana ako nalang pinili niya. Na sana nagmove on siya sayo, wala eh. Mahal ka niya eh. Alagan mo siya ah. Wag mong papakawalan. Andito lang ako, susuporta sa inyo kahit masakit. :)

Random #516: To my future husband, good luck keeping up with my sex drive.

Random #515: Hello sa mga nag O-omegle diyan! Naranasan niyo nadin bang makipagchat ng sobrang tagal with a fellow Pinoy tapos parang ang saya lang! Then kapag hiningi na fb or name or contact mo end na agad! Hahaha. Sorry po talaga, I'm not looking for a partner kasi, I just want to know people more✌🏼️🙈 - mamshieK