It seems like I come back to visit tumblr once every ~2 years whether I need to or not.

[Narrator] “He doesn’t.”

The last few years have been a lot of ups and downs, backs and forths, tos and fros, and I’ve experienced a lot of personal growth. Learning to love myself has been a trip and a half, and I’m still tripping every day.

Anyway, here‘s me and the dog from the not-too-distant past. Stay fabulous.

On this the second day of May, in The Year of Our Lord™ two thousand nineteen, I remembered I still have this old blog.

Single and ready to commit my life to anyone who shows sustained, active interest in me.

Still lonely down south. It’s getting better, but it still doesn’t feel like home. I’ve been out on dates, drunk more beer and eaten more junk food than I care to admit, but it’s just a distraction. I’m afraid it’s going to come to a head soon, and I’m going to collapse.

Thankfully work is getting better and more regularly busy, and I’m back home recharging the batteries this weekend.

Relapse

For a long time I was doing so well. It had been over a year I think, last summer as I recall, since I had one of those, “I do not want to be alive anymore” moments.

I momentarily relapsed today. It felt awful, but it was a different kind of awful. Instead of feeling alone and hopeless all by myself, it was almost as if I were on the outside looking in on myself, seeing myself as another person for whom I could do absolutely nothing to help. I think that scared the shit out of me more than anything else has in the last year+ since last summer. In a way I’m thankful that I can recognize when this is happening and get help, but there’s still the haunting aspect of not being able to help myself the way I want to.

I came to terms with my own mortality almost 11 years ago when I almost died of acute hyperglycemia and diabetic ketoacidosis. I am truly not afraid of death anymore. What I am afraid of is living an empty life, devoid of meaning and meaningful attachment, because I’m still too sick to let myself enjoy anything. That, to me, would be worse than death. So if the question is, “am I going to hurt myself?” then the answer is “no,” but if that question becomes, “am I really living right now?” that’s a whole other conundrum I’d just rather not be alive to deal with.

Gratuitous blog post 2k17.

Hello friends.

My college roommate just gifted me Deep Space Waifu on Steam, and I have to say it was probably the best dollar he ever spent on me. Even better than that time he bought me a Checker burger because he had change in his pocket and nothing else to do with it.

Here’s to you, Brandon.

I never use this blog for anything anymore, but if you’re reading this, please know that you have helped me in some way at some point in time, and I thank you for that. You’re part of the reason I’m still alive today.

Phil may be a Stanley Cup champion, but Amanda will always be #BestKessel 🇺🇸💪🏻🏒