Midtown residents appaled that auto repair shop will move into vintage garage

MIDTOWN -- Residents of the grid are up in arms about a recent development request to place an automotive muffler and alignment business in a vacant Midtown industrial shop on 16th St.

"It just seems like a complete waste of a great building," said Newton Booth resident Garrett Myers in a recent community meeting. "There's so much history in this town, why waste it on stupid car stuff."

The 4,500 square foot building, which was originally built for Thompson's Vulcanizing Works in 1914, was a historically significant auto repair business until it was shuttered in 1987. The property has not found a tenant since, and the redevelopment proposal is the first for the address in six years.

"I just don't see why this building can't be a combination craft kitchen and fashion show runway - that's really what this community needs," said Myers.

The trend of turning industrial properties into hip, multi-use buildings is gaining traction. Many R Street properties are finding new life as combination art galleries and dog washes, and an 'alternative' barbershop is slated to move into a former auto repair building on 24th St.

The current owner of the property, Roger Engle, said of the proposal, "It's got the auto lifts already in it. What the hell else would you use it for?"

Downtown development specialist Kathryn Tanner says using the building for its intended purpose represents a "missed opportunity" for the city.

"This building had wonderful potential to be a beer hall, a concert venue, and an indoor climbing gym -- all in one. With these spacious accommodations, an upstart artisan catering company could have easily overlooked the copious amounts of pollutants soaked into the concrete foundation."

"And the car lifts could be fun up-and-down tables for the kids."

Pope Benedict XVI declares he's "too old for this shit"

THE VATICAN -- Aging Pontiff Benedict XVI has officially declared that he is just "too old for this shit" after being paired with loose-cannon archbishop Antonio Debasio.

Pope Benedict first joined the force (of God's will) in 2005, after the still-unsolved death of former chief John Paul II. Vowing to "not rest untill the killer was found," Benedict made many a friend and enemy on his way to the top.

The Pope launched a dynamic papacy full of high-octane canonizations and seat-of-the-pants Curia Reform. However he became increasingly set in his ways and bogged down by copious amounts of paperwork and altar-jockeying.

Earlier this week, inexplicably flashy poster-sized press releass announced that DeBasio would join the Papal inner circle to partner with Benedict XVI for "one last big Ecumenical Dialogue."

Debasio, an unhinged servant of The Trinity with a troubled past, has already caused the aging Benedict many a headache and taking-of-the-Lord's-name in vain.

After a heart-pounding high-speed chase in the Popemobile through the narrow alleys of Rome, Benedict sat near some smoking collateral damage, drawing long drags from a crumpled cigarette he'd found in his sport coat pocket despite quitting months ago, and, according to Vatican sources, declared he was "two (love-making) months from retirement, Debasio - what kind of (poop) do you have me involved in here?"

Debasio has revealed through well-timed backstory that he believes in an institutional conspiracy that may go "all the way to the top." His paranoia and quick-reactions seem made to be a counter-point to the Pontiff's straight-shooting, and a kinship between the two is undeniable despite their comical bickering. Officials at the Vatican have assured the world that followers of Catholicism can expect many action-packed twists and turns, including a mind-bending surprise ending, before a new Pope is selected on April 19.

Sacramento Kings sold to Seattle investor for 10 Space Needles

SEATTLE - After weeks of intense speculation, the NBA has announced that the Sacramento Kings are for sale, and that Seattle private equity investor Chris Hansen has offered the owners, Joe and Gavin Maloof, "10 Space Needles" or $340 million.

"This is a great opportunity for a city that longs for the days of basketball again," said Hansen from his downtown office.

"I truly would have offered, 12, maybe 13 Space Needles," he continued, referring to the Futurist Seattle landmark, which was constructed in 1962 for the World's Fair at a cost of $4.5 million. 

The valuation for the team, $525 million or approximately 15.4 Space Needles, is a record for a NBA franchise. The Maloofs are offering up their 65% stake in the company.

Sacramento Kings fans, who have been treated to a roller coaster of different emotions involving the sale and possible relocation of the team, were strong in their resolve that mayor Kevin Johnson would be able to convince the NBA to keep the team in town. The mayor could not be reached for comment and his Twitter account has been disabled.

The news of the sale incited cheers from sports fans across Washington state, as they excitedly spread the word through social media. SonicsDominion, a Twitter user from Tacoma, sent the message "So stoked right now #NBAsonics! Gonna put my dick in whatever! #yolo."

However, not all Seattle are as excited. Rick Forsten, speaking on a cigarette break outside of a downtown Subway restaurant, said he would have much rather seen the money invested in local city projects.

"We could have had 11 fucking Space Needles," he said.

Nation in brief: Americans now have 1 in 4 chance of being killed in mass shooting

WASHINGTON D.C. - The Department of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms released troubling statistics on Monday, confirming fears that have gripped the country - Americans have at least a 25% chance of being shot by assault-weapon wielding, psychotic young men.

The statistics were compiled after shootings in major cities and small towns across the U.S. were affected by mass murder. The statistics are not current enough to reflect yesterday's killing of five in Albuquerque, NM by a teenage gunman.

"This shooting makes it even more likely, say, 28%, that you're going to be staring down the business end of a BushMmaster trained at you by your neighbor's weird kid," said Dr. Stephen Detwilder, chief statistician.

"Random killing has now replaced almost every major disease, accident, threat of nature, and even naturally-occurring death as the most likely way an otherwise healthy American will perish."

While gun control debates rage on in the nation's capitol and elsewhere, the bureau had no further suggestions on what to do to curb the killings. They did call the statistical trend "very troubling."

Detwilder was unable to be reached for further comment today as he was gunned down with 7 others by a lone shooter, a 19 year-old from Alexandria, VA, with what has been described as a "troubled past."

Midtown residents take unorthodox measures amid crime wave

MIDTOWN - A recent spate of armed robberies and a shooting has set many Boulevard Park residents on edge.

Since mid-December, a rash of thefts, some coupled with assault, have been reported in the typically quiet residential corner of Midtown. Though community meetings have been held and police presence has been ramped up, no suspect or suspects have been found.

Boulevard Park resident Chris Marks, 22, told the Cee he's "ready to take matters into his own hands." 

Marks, seen strolling at dusk with his girlfriend Jenny and their dog, Poofman Joe, openly brandished a large ornamental samurai sword.

"I got it from TV - the show where the guy screams about the knives."

Marks says that being armed is "important to protect what he cares about," and that "the cops aren't doing anything."He then demonstrated some "ninja moves" he says he found on video sharing site YouTube.

Further down the block, homeowner Richard Soreneson, 72, could be seen on his roof affixing an antique cannon to a second-story balcony.

"It's in ready to fire condition," he shouted, "and I'm about to use it if you don't get the fuck off of my walkway."

Perhaps most noticeable was the outfit of private citizen Denny Sanders, seen walking on 28th and F streets at 10 pm. Sanders has created what he refers to as a "mech suit" which he claims gives him the "powers of a cyborg with the wisdom and soul of a human."

"With this technology I've created, I can fight for the good of the neighborhood," he said.

The "suit," which features several yellow-spray painted Yuban coffee cans and PVC pipe, gives Sanders a full extra 3 inches in height and 4 inches of general girth. While it has no armament, Sanders assured the Cee the suit had some "pretty sharp edges."

"I got the idea from Alien, the Matrix, Star Wars, and Robot Jox."

"You know, all the best movies," he added.

Aunt and Uncle: 'This restraurant is too damn loud'

ELK GROVE -- Denise Martin's aunt and uncle were pretty upset Sunday evening while they waited to dine at 'Sgt. Benny's Fun Battle and Hamburgers (Two)' family restaurant, she reports.

Geraldine and Gary Stanton, both 82, registered several complaints upon entering the restaurant, who's bright decor and 'anything goes?!' attitude and slogan instantly offended the elderly couple. "What's that awful buzzing?" asked Geraldine, referring to the 'french-fry alertness siren' in the right corner, while Gary seemed simultaneously mesmerized and offended by a party of 12 loudly waiting for a table in the greeting area.

"Look at those kids, tearing around here," he growled. "I hope your kids don't end up like that."

Martin, who mistakenly thought coming to her 6-year-old son's and 8-year-old daughter's favorite restaurant would be a fun family outing for everyone, said she was "surprised" by her oldest living relatives' reaction.

"They are basically deaf and blind, I didn't think they'd notice, and they serve an inexpensive bland soup I know they'd like on their '6-Star Generals' senior menu."

"It's quieter in here than when they have the television on in their living room."

The couple continued lodging complaints with the sights, smells and the general feeling of the restaurant.

"These seats are sticky, do you think they ever clean?" asked Geraldine, shifting on the camouflage-toned vinyl.

"Come on, Ger, look at 'the help,'" replied Gary, crooking a gnarled finger in the direction of the busy waitstaff table, "they obviously don't do anything, they're just standing around."

And what in the hell is that stink?"

But both seemed to be most offended by the din of the family restaurant - a sound described by them as "the racket of damn kids and cheap food being undercooked."

Martin said she eventually had no choice but to take her name off the wait list and usher the family across the street to a quiet cafe, much to the disappointment of her children.

There, both Geraldine and Gary ordered soup, which they thought was a little too spicy.

Geraldine also claimed the waitress was giving her a "nasty look."

SWEET GOD JESUS ITS COLD

ALL OVER - Dan! DANIEL! It's so fucking cold out right now!

Maybe had you got the fuck out of bed before noon you would have seen it but there was, and I would NOT exaggerate, ICE on the cars this morning! ICE. I had to fucking straight-up scrape ICE off the car before I went to pick up Cyndi from the night shift at Save-Mart. ICE!

It's so cold bro, it might be like, 20. Fuck it could be like this forever. I'm pretty sure it's never been this cold ... EVER.

You'll see, Dan. It's gonna be just like that movie. We're about to have a whole fucking ICE AGE up in here.

With Mammoths and shit eatin' out of the garbage in the front yard.

It's never gonna get warmer.

Family-owned butcher shop to close

EAST SACRAMENTO -- A local business open for 85 years is the latest target of the still-tenuous area economy.

"My grandfather, Vincenzo, came to this country with a simple dream, to provide good food for good people, and Sacramento had provided such a beautiful place to do this," said Salvatore, the grandson of the original owner.

"Maybe it was just bad timing. I take over the shop from my father, and boom - in two months, we go under,"  he added, standing outside the picturesque storefront window where little has changed since 1928.

Salvatore cites rapidly decreasing sales and stiff competition from area megastores and discount retailers, who he spat only sell "cheap garbage meats from animals you don't even know what they are."

Still, he attempted to diversify and create a niche market. "My wife says, sell more lamb - I sell more lamb! Then she starts on the beef," Salvatore continues. "This butcher shop has always been known for its pork, I said," he said.

"Coppa, Pancetta, even the loin. We did it best, and now, no more! Ahhhhh," he continued, waving a hand of dismissal in the air.

Salvatore says he's not sure what will become of the store -- only that he wants out of the business.

"Maybe it's just not for me, anyway," he said. "But I'll tell you what. My grandfather, Vincenzo Monella, would have wept at the sight of this, a boarded-up door under the Sal Monella butcher shop sign -- Just wept."

Fat guys Occupy Carl's Jr.

CITRUS HEIGHTS --  A local construction crew has dined at an area Carl's Jr. restaurant for at least 2 meals a day in what seems like a weeks-long 'protest.'

The groups de-facto leader, carpenter Larry Dewitt, assured media his men simply enjoyed the variety of hamburgers available at the restaurant. He then went on a lengthy, sometimes ranting monologue about subjects ranging from guacamole six-dollar burgers to criss-cut fries to the selections available at the Green Burrito, the company's conjoined Mexican-fare restaurant.

Dewitt refused to take questions, citing the need to "sit down."

Other members of the movement, which is in a purely grass roots stage, include Jim "Jimbo" Buchanan, Carlos "Fatso" Mendonza, and "Fucking huge" Matt Derrikson.

So far, the restaurant has remained mum about whether police intervention would be needed. General manager Torrie Schmidt said the occupiers practices were "mostly clean" and patrons would often pay for desserts or fry refills even after ordering 2 combo menu items a piece.

"To be honest, they're probably bringing in as much money as the breakfast rush," she admitted.

While their ultimate motive remains unclear, their demands are apparent -- "they want Double Western Bacon Cheeseburgers -- and fast," says assistant fry cook Leon Garrity.

He added that while they patrons hadn't acted as if they were going to set up an encampment or attempt permanent residence, the men would often sit in the molded plastic booth for what seemed like hours, speaking loudly of marital issues, high school sports and "bad gas."

"It's all those onion rings done givin' them the shits," guessed Garrity.

Mayor Kevin Johsnon declares Jan. 9 "Fuck a Maloof" day citywide

SACRAMENTO — Sacramento Mayor Kevin Johnson, in a hastily held 11:30 a.m. press conference outside of the Zebra Club in midtown Sacramento, stood behind earlier posted twitter statements in the aftermath of the Sacramento Kings sale to a private investment firm in Seattle, going so far to declare January 9th to be “Fuck a Maloof” day within the city limits.

“Fuck Joe, Fuck Gavin … and if you down with them, fuck you too,” a terse Johnson stated into a swarm of reporter’s microphones.

He then requested that chief-of-staff Daniel Conway “hold him back” as he advanced upon TV cameras.

The mayor, whose emotions varied between visibly flustered and fairly inebriated, sent a flurry of belligerent tweets after it was announced by Yahoo Sports that the team would make the move to Seattle’s Key Arena for the 2013-14 season. Targets included the Maloofs and Seattle hedge fund manager Chris Hansen, who financed the deal.

Also, in what was most likely an error, Johnson sent several lewd messages to former Dateline NBC and “To Catch a Predator” host Chris Hansen. The latter Hansen declined to comment on the post.

A closer look at mayor’s Twitter and Facebook feeds lent credibility to the idea that Johnson had some idea the deal was in the works, with cryptic statements from earlier this morning including: “Who wants a drink? Meet me at the Zebra” coming at 8:34 a.m.

After the press conference, Johnson, appearing close to tears, was whisked away in a dark SUV driven by wife Michelle Rhee, who seemed pretty pissed.

NORAD tracks, destroys jolly terrorist and 8 tiny IEDs

COLORADO SPRINGS - The North American Aerospace Defense Command, more commonly known as NORAD, has reported that they have identified and destroyed an air-based terrorist plot bent on the destruction of many U.S. locations, including Sacramento.

Staff Sgt. Gerard F. Denner said in a press conference that NORAD central command had been tracking an unidentifiable craft in US airspace since the early evening of Dec. 24th.

"We just couldn't get a lock on it, the radar blip was shaking like a bowlful of jelly," Denner said.

"At approximately 17 hundred hours, F-16 strategic fighters were scrambled from Travis AFB to intercept the object, which was flying over Northern California," he continued. "The pilots reported a crude wooden conveyance with skis tethered to no less than 8 Afghani goats stuffed to their goat-gills with gunpowder."

Denner said the ploy was a typical Afghani 'trojian horse' trick involving exploding animals.

The suspected terrorist pilot, described as a 'chubby Osama-Bin-Laden-type' was seen to have 'maniacally rosy cheeks' and soot on his nose, possibly from assembling dirty bombs.

"At 19 hundred hours, Air Force 1st Lt. James Northam launched two Sidewinder missiles at the target, effectively removing the threat," Denner said.

NORAD command reportedly erupted into applause when the signal disappeared, with radio officers declaring "We blew that fat fuck right out of the sky."

Perverts line up for season's hottest strap-on

SACRAMENTO -- Frankie Dertmuller, assistant shift supervisor of Goldie's Adult Boutique, spent his Saturday morning restocking shelves, hanging dildos and penis pumps with care. But he says doesn't bother even hanging up the Christmas season's hottest gift for the depraved, a 2 foot long strap-on device called 'The Widowmaker.'

"Oh, we just leave those in a box by the door -- them motherfuckers are going fast," he said, with a twinkle in the eye not covered by his surgical dressing.

The Widowmaker is on every pervert's wish list this season. The device, which retails for $49.95 and comes color choices of blush, taupe or mocha, gained popularity earlier this Fall after being featured in 'Ruin my Wife 7,' a DVD and instant download feature film.

Jennie Arbor was at Goldie's buying the device for her husband soon after it opened on Saturday.

"Jason is just notorious to buy for," she said. "I'm excited to get him something that I know he's going to love."

"Plus, I can't wait to tie it on and remind him what a filthy, useless bitch he is."

Dining: Sometimes the best foods are free

DOWNTOWN - So I was walking up K Street by where that big guitar used to be but it's not there anymore.

It was dark, no, dusk, but I saw this box with my trackin' eye - the one that moves fast still. It was a blue box and kind of flat. And inside that box was a whole Hungry Man dinner! The box looked a little beat up but I was pretty sure it was sealed so I looked around for a minute to see if anyone had gotten dibs on it then I walked over and stuck it up under my jacket.

You know, casual.

When I got back to my room I took it out of the box and it was the chicken one - the box was pretty beat up so it was hard to tell. It looked like it had fallen off the back of a truck and then maybe got run over by a bike or something. There was a lot of chicken though, probably 4 pieces. Also it was still pretty cold, so I was kind of mad because I had to turn on the oven.

I guess my stupid landlord or the gas company or something turned off my oven though so I thought I might be out of luck or would at least have to wait until it was thawed. (I did get at most of the brownie thing cause it came out in chunks and was already on the counter).

Then, I had this good idea when I noticed my little room-heater was hot. I stuck the dinner in front of it and just left it there and then I fell asleep watching the news for a bit. When I woke up I could smell the aroma of a finely-crafted meal all through my living/bedroom. Once I found my fork I was all over it - I could barely wait because I hadn't eaten anything but an egg that day.

Some of the middle of the chicken was still frozen but I just got to suckin' on the bones and the meat came off. It was so much food I even had to save some of the corn - it's right over there, sittin on my table, waiting for the next time I'm gonna be hungry.

So the moral of this story is you should keep your eye out because sometimes people just leave stuff on the ground and sometimes you can eat it.

Amid budget crisis, CA to consider selling state workers

SACRAMENTO -- Reeling from the news that the California budget shortfall may total 28 billion next year, Gov.-elect Jerry Brown and Legislative leaders have released a tentative plan to sell off excess state employees for savings of an estimated $10 billion for the next fiscal year.

"By selling off these superfluous workers, we can build a ladder to climb out of the mire, so to speak" said Brown after a meeting with Assembly leaders. "This is a real-world solution to the state's problems. Let's do it."

The announcement comes on the heel of the state's plan to sell off some state buildings, with the proceeds going to replenish the State's General Fund. That plan, forwarded by Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger, was recently deemed admisable by San Francisco judge.

"This is the next step in the process," Brown said. "Let's get down to business and sell off everything cluttering up government."

"Everything, and everyone," he continued.

Brown and the Legislature has not named a buyer for the rank-and-file employees, though they have said publicly that there is a "good amount of interest." A Department of General Services official, speaking on the condition of anonymity, said most state workers would be placed in programs of indentured servitude in far-away lands.

"The military-controlled government of Myanmar has given us a lot of positive signs that they are looking to make a large purchase," said the official.

"Those mercury mines aren't going to milk themselves." he continued.

There has been some resistance to the proposed sell-off, mostly by labor groups concerned about their employees getting what they call a "fair shake."

Regina Juarez, a spokesperson for the SEIU Local 1000, said that while employees would still be entitled to their full pensions and vacation plans, they may face "inhuman working conditions and twisted, unthinkable sexual situations, what a layman would call 'hot slavery.'"

"We don't want any of our employees being held as an erotic plaything for a sultan or warlord unless they're fully qualified to do so," said Juarez. "We could have a Systems Analyst II losing an arm in a farming explosion or an Office Tech I being forced to pantslessly belly-dance for the amusement of a demi-god."

"None of these things were ratified in the contracts last year," she said.

Similar pilot programs in private industry have been considered satisfactory. In 2008 Hewett-Packard sold 80 employees from their printing and packaging division to Nigerian boy-general S'kembie Untunbu.

Of the 24 surviving employees, 8 have been inducted into the officers' program in the mandatory armed forces.

Officials: Kings scoreboard 'works fine'

SACRAMENTO -- NBA officials released a statement Wednesday evening to quell concerns from Kings fans and staff that the official scorekeeping system was in some way compromised during the team's matchup with the Washington Wizards.

Spokesman Douglas Porter said during a post-game press conference "The scoreboard is fine. The Kings did, in fact, win tonight's game by a margin of 25 points."

Skeptical fans, already unsure of what to do while the Kings dominated the paint and held a steady 10+ point lead during the night, erupted into cries and boos after the fourth quarter buzzer sounded, shouting "Fix the score!" and "Stop torturing us!"

Even veteran announcer Gary Gerould was quoted during his radio broadcast as saying "And as if things couldn't get any worse, we now see the scorekeeping system in the aging Arco Arena is malfunctioning, showing the Kings actually winning the game tonight."

"It's not fair to the fans, and it's not fair to this troubled franchise. I'm frankly disgusted that the NBA cares so little about this small market as to not even maintain something this simple." he continued.

The Kings bench, many woken out of a light slumber when the game ended, seemed confused and irritated when the floor players began to celebrate.

Beno Udrih, who's novelty Kings pillow was jostled off the corner of an empty court-side seat, angrily snapped "Can't a loser get a little rest?"

Election 2010: Californians prefer crazy old man to wealthy dowager

SACRAMENTO - When the dust settled after Tuesday's contentious election, California's voters had spoken clearly - they prefer a miserable, insane coot to run things, rather than a terrifyingly rich, frigid, mean old bitch.

Voters propelled Gov.-elect Jerry Brown into office after the 72-year-old ran a campaign of 'crazy promises' and baked bean-spittle. 

"Exit polling showed that the electorate connected with Brown's rather populist messages of 'dadgumit' and 'consarnit,'" said Nelson Mackey of the non-partisan Pew Research Center.

Conversely, voters felt uneasy electing Whitman, seen as a "lonely old lady who lives in a giant mansion and wears furs," said Mackey.

"Voters weren't comfortable installing someone into office who should be made to annoyedly harumph at the hyjinks of the everyman, say a "Larry," or "Curly."

28-year-old delivery driver Steve Darnon, who identified himself as an independent, said he cast his vote for Brown because he could change the dialogue in California politics.

"Look at how old he is!" said Darnon. "He's like my grandpa. I bet he'll say something totally nuts, like, every day."

As for Whitman, Darnon said her campaigns constant advertising blitz was a turnoff.

"The more I saw her on TV, the more I could imagine bats flying out of her vagina," he said.

Man: Please stop calling me Waldo

CITRUS HEIGHTS -- An area resident says he has been experiencing a recent, nightmarish ordeal when in public places.

Alvin Marshall says that everywhere he goes, passerby taunt him, calling him 'Waldo.'

"They won't leave me alone, it's always, "Hey Waldo," or "Look, I found Waldo -- I just keep telling them 'I'm not Waldo, that I don't know any Waldo,' but they just won't listen."

"This has cost me friends," Marshall says. "No one wants to hang around with the guy who keeps getting names yelled at him."

Marshall says he is "baffled" as to why he is being singled out. "I may not be the most attractive thing out there, and yeah, I wear glasses. Lots of people do. Also, I have a trick knee, so I use a cane when I walk sometimes. Does that make me some kind of 'Waldo?' What does that even mean, anyway?"

He says the taunting has begun very recently, almost exclusively in the evenings.

"Its been cold lately, but I like that -- I finally got to wear the sweater and hat set my aunt got me for my birthday. If I could only get people to stop screaming at me, I'd be a real happy guy."