Aggressively Wanting A Nap.

having a real hard time creating genuinely good memories, existing in the moment, just really living fully cause every time I’ve done that in the past my life’s recurring theme of everyone eventually forgetting and/or resenting how special those times were, how important I once was to them, how much they “loved me”.... it all fades. it’s an always, it’s consistently, it’s just my life on repeat. everyone I’ve ever had a genuine semblance of that “love” feeling for just leaving.

but the worst part and what actually makes it impossible for me to just live like I used to nowadays... open, happy, excited, trusting.. is that I’m seemingly always the only one feeling things so deeply. never forgetting, always sending my gratitude, and never letting my love fade no matter the circumstances... while being forgotten, hearing no gratitude for the way things regarding me made life better for a while, and consistently realizing the type of love I always thought I was receiving from all these different wonderful people might have never even existed. people I would have never let my love fade for a day in my life had they not made that decision for me can’t even stand to be in the same room as me now. they avoid the things they’d normally do if there’s even any mention of me. I’ve got tons of friends and I love them to death... but I’m talking about something different. what about all that love I’ve been sending out for so long now? I feel these things genuinely, in fact I feel them so deeply that I crave it now. it’s what I was built for. to love. to understand. to create something beautiful. to show someone they’re my whole world in whatever fucked up universe we all landed in. why does it only ever bring me more sadness and messes to sort out in my own head in the end?

how can I ever actually open the fuck up and trust literally anything again? I dunno. but I want to figure it out because I’m so sick of feeling nothing due to my fear that everything will turn out like my past... as I am still sitting here struggling to recover from that exact past. all of it. i wish I even knew what the fuck I did so wrong so many times because there’s no way this could happen so over and over again if I hadn’t royally fucked up; if I’m not just carrying around some terrible traits I never realized. but no one says a word. I know I’m not perfect. literally no one is, and I’ve never expected myself or anyone else to be. but the fact is I want to learn what I can do to better myself and be the best version possible for the people I love. I want to grow and learn from my mistakes. it just never works out that way no matter how much I express the desire to grow alongside someone. so how am I supposed to fix myself if I don’t even know what’s broken? I just want to be given a legitimate chance. I’m trying. I’m really trying. being full of love while feeling abosolutely nothing in the aftermath of too many fuckin’ heartbreaks... is a strange thing. so I’m just not gonna be that version of me that I love the most for a while. the version I’ve tried to share with anyone I’ve ever loved. the real version of me. maybe a long time, maybe not. I can’t handle giving another real piece of myself to literally anyone. they’ve all been taken already and just tossed into the void. 🙂

Love you so much, Gwendolyn. Let me know if you need literallly anything. And I promise you, nothing of the good times we’ve shared will ever fall by the wayside.

sundays are all about being horny and existential despair

Realization

*enters my own password* i’m in

on all levels except physical i am sitting on top of the moon with my legs swinging back and forth

Dallas Clayton

The week from hell strikes again.

I hate when people ask me how I’m doin  I’m fuckin terrible thanks for reminding me.

I can’t even find the words to describe how happy I am that this is real...

and it’s probably due to the fact that all my words are already in this book. 💜

Here comes the years worth of messy journals and notebooks I have kept to myself... the hours, weeks, months I have spent pouring my every thought into the pages that have held my heart so beautifully over all this time... all in one whole entire book:

Endless Beauty in an Ending Dream

The poems, rants, and confessionals in this book are the pivotal fragments of my life; a representation of all of the times it has been picked apart just to be patched back together again. They are the words I spilled into piles of journals when I felt I couldn’t speak them out loud. I have collected here all of the pieces of myself I once thought were hopelessly lost and faced them head-on in hopes of walking away from them with a brighter outlook.

I hope this book helps to remind you that it is okay to hurt. We are allowed to express the heaviness and the happiness alike that we will each inevitably face through our lives. Balance is necessary with any instance of pain. We must remember we all deserve the healing that is right around the corner.

Through each word we share when we choose to open up to vulnerability and healing, our defining moments of grief and loss can grow into a new gratitude and hope for the future...

That is, as long as we maintain sight of the endless beauty in every one of our ending dreams.

💜

The most amazing human I have ever met just published a book, and you should definitely check it out. She has a way with words, and an outlook on life that I can’t even begin to understand.