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weeds and wildness

@salviasomniferum / salviasomniferum.tumblr.com

Rhue
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False

All the times you check your ego, and eventually you think you deserve a reward-- HAHA there's that ego again. Try again.

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salviasomniferum

Today

I didn’t have to go to work at stupid early, so I slept until I couldn’t– only til 10, but what a relief. Read posts from my famous dance teachers. Played with cats. Cleaned a chicken coop. Almost got my ankles pecked at. Thought about things. I don’t know why I think I have to hide how I feel and what I think. I’ve never been good at expressing anything in words and maybe I just need to be less fearful in life about such things. I need a new job soon. Or different hours. This 5am everyday thing is killing my social and emotional life. It was a great thing when I had classes and needed the money, fit perfectly with my life. Was perfect to get my mind off of the wretched relationship I was in. Now, not so. It’s nice to be able to start everyone’s day off right but what about my own? What about my own life? I can’t always serve others. I run out of things to give, and they don’t understand the significance. You’re pissed that I ran out of whip cream or raw sugar, or the give a damn to plaster a happy face on when you took it for granted anyway. I do the utmost to do my job well and achieve all these goals set in place and I can’t seem to do it because while I’m in a team I feel that I am working alone. I try to collaborate, but those who’ve been at this longer are so set upon their things that they squelch the momentum. They get their bad moods in the way. Their poor routines and their “I don’t have time for you” attitudes. I spent some time with a friend I work with yesterday and she had to remind me that I do a great job, from the perspective of those I work with. I keep calm. I’m more of a leader than I ever give myself credit for. (I’m more everything than I have ever given myself credit for) Do you know how hard it is to lead when you’re essentially alone, only because you have to stand further ahead and take everything everyone else is too scared to take… and you have to fight the urge to look back and see whether they’re coming with you? To just remember to trust that they are? Such is the way it is in dance. It’s a tricky thing. I had to learn how to commit to my pathways, to not show hesitation. To survive and thrive I have to learn that for work. And maybe I have to learn that in other arenas. Why do I seem to believe that I am not one to be followed? Not one to stand beside? I don’t know how to accept good things in my life. Except for lightly. I don’t hold on so tight as to strangle, but it’s so light as to forget to acknowledge it. To say “yes, this is exactly what I’ve needed” I’ve been so scared that I’ll lose everything. By even acknowledging that I desired. Hesitation is the worst.

Here’s to accepting what I wish and deserve. Here’s to working for it, even when I’m sad and tired and unsure. But also, here’s to living a little more.

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salviasomniferum

Wow. June of Last Year. Sounds like not much has changed.

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June 12, an update

I quit teaching, for now. I don’t know for how long. My troupe mates didn’t come to class/rehearsal for two months. I’ve been feeling hopeless. It was time. The hookah gig literally dropped down to almost nothing; I performed once this month and wasn’t asked back until next month. I won’t even reapply for festival for this next year because I don’t think I can keep together my troupe long enough to create a show-- because of aforementioned empty rehearsals. It’s okay, though. I’ve come to terms that I may never perform there again. I am not so sure my life should be in performance. Everything is really up in the air. I’ve lost so much confidence, if I ever had it. But I’m actively working to build it. Hopefully to last. I’m hoping to focus on myself for a time, to condition and train with the tools I have to make myself stronger, more compelling, and to get more in my bones and my heart so that I can do more. Maybe I won’t teach. Maybe I will just focus on creation, for a time. Maybe I’ll focus on the thing that I’ve had the most trouble with: making friends. Making dance. Making a healthier mindset. I’m scared. I am in a place where I do not have a teacher, nor a consistent group to work with. It’s all just me now. I have to be accountable to myself. I can do this. This is not an end. I have not quit dancing. I just have recognized that I was struggling on a path that isn’t the right one for right now and that everything is telling me to look inward and so that’s what I’m going to do. But it’s terrifying. I have a huge event coming in October; I’m finishing the training with Rachel Brice that I began last year, but I have a feeling that while it might be training done all at once, it may take another year to finish everything I will need to to actually pass. But I will. I just have to get myself there. To practice nearly every day, to read. To take care of myself. To save my pennies. If you have any advice on anything I’ve written about here, feel free to share it. I’m open open to it all. See you around.

#dance#budget#confidence#daily practice#accountability#teaching
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I was deleting photos off my phone to make room and was feeling really down on myself for gaining so much weight in the last 6 months. I think she loves me anyway

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Sex in a bedroom of mirrors. Kinda really like it. Sorta don't. Moments of "Awww yeah" and others of "oh... Okay" I need to get fit.

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fungusqueen

Flower pounding for fabric stains.

Pink rose petals, red nasturtium flowers, geraniums, and sour grass (oxalis) used in this pounding sample. (the flowers were all grown in my garden!)

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Update:

I got in a car wreck this week. Dealing with insurance companies is no fun. And not moving quickly. I’m filled with a lot of worry and anxiety about it. I applied for a car loan but I’m super nervous that I won’t be approved. I’m nervous this is going to throw off a lot of my plans but I’m determined that it wont. I couldn’t relax at all yesterday and being in cars is nervewracking since... because I couldn’t relax I just picked up a lot of hours at work so I don’t have time to think about how off-kilter and non-autonomous I feel. So far it’s working. I’m really hoping to get a new (for me) car. Even if it’ll be more debts to pay. It’s not like it isn’t a fucking mountain on my shoulders-- what’s a few more rocks? I’ll just get stronger and maybe a little more crazy. Dance is slow. My troupe hasn’t shown up for class in over a month. I almost feel like quitting. But if I stop dancing I think I would wilt. I’m hoping my efforts to find new students will pay off; dancing with others is so much more fun than dancing alone. I’m crashing, exhaustion style. See you.

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