Not right.

When you litterly have lost faith in someone. There were a good person as you saw it. Willing to help others and give you the shirt off their back. But after what I call the "toxic" person in my life had cause "changes" in my tribe. Does something that has actually enraged me. Good job on kicking a friend when they are down. First they just dealt with said toxic person backlashing on them, after I "Bye Falicia!" the fuck out of there. Being kicked out with little notice, verbal abuse galore! When they said they would help said friend get on their feet after moving to find work. But while they were trying to get up on their feet in your place, actually having no family around. You pull the same fucking thing. Good job! Hope you're fucking proud of yourself. Litterly messaging me, crying and full of anxity and panic over possibly being homeless. Guess what "friend". I am going to do what you should have had compassion for and actually help them. Maybe you're jaded and shit from life exsperiance's now. But that hasn't stopped me from helping a person fucking getting kicked in the teeth.

Toxic

When you just got out of a toxic relationship. And realize just how someone can manipulate in subtle ways. Exhausting and weary, they make you so they can get away with murder at times. To even feeling anxity about bringing them anywhere. Cause how will they react in this situation? Who else will they offend now of people you know? Or are they gonna make me feel like a shitty two inch small thing again. Not a person. But a thing. And even the anxity to panic, of how you are gonna confront them in going seperate ways. Then comes the point you get sick an tired, to even angry and scream. “NO MORE. I HAD ENOUGH!” This should never happen in any relationship and it is time to let go. So gathering your courage. You finally do it. You manage to let them go. No more regrets, it feels like you have sheded that tired skin and emerge as something strong again. the weight of the world is off your shoulders, and now it is time to rest and gather your strength, for the first time in a long time. Sisu my father taught me. A very true Finnish word. True grit. True guts. And sisu is what allowed me to be the Valkyrie I am again. The courage to break free from something toxic and find myself again.

So I just want to say! I am not okay. Having dealt with an anxity attack from hell as well as a panic attack. I am just gonna say I am not okay. Especially with thoughts swirling in your head how you're a fucking failure as well as how much of a shitty person you can actually be, while trying to keep the peace and please people. So yeah. Thoughts telling me "If only you had done this. Or why the fuck can you not speak out you loser! Fucking failure. Cannot do anything right." And other such thoughts, that make me want to heave and or choke me. For the first time ever, too others. Guess what. The Big Bad Wolf isn't always strong and has her moments. But it's always in silence. Cause from growing up! Gods forbid you show weakness. Why am I writing this!? Maybe to finally get it out in the open, after always being strong and trying to support those important to me. That I fuck up. I fuck up and that weight sometimes makes my knees buckle. Before I grit my teeth and bear it again. So right now, nothing makes sense what I am writing, but realizing I cannot have this shit bottled up anymore. So as I keep calming myself down, I just keep repeating in my mind that at times sounds like my mormor's voice. Sisu baby girl. Sisu. True grit and True guts. Sisu until I can believe it and find my strength again.

When you’re Ace and working in an Adult Toy store. Especially, when you have a person over hear a small coversation, between you an a older regular. Who is genrally curious and is wanting to know more, and said other person interrupts you, after having rudely brushed you off after asking if they need help, or have questions. Saying loudly. “If your “Asexual”. Then why the fuck are you working in a porn store!? That doesn’t make any fucking sense.“ Excuse me. So after both of us turn to the other person scowling. I just calmly say to them. ” Just because I am Asexual. Does not mean I do not know my stuff. Or provide an educational enviroment. While making my customers comfortable, finding the product that suites them. Coming back with out feeling stigmatized in an already still stigmatized industry. So hunny. Just because I personally do not care for sex. Does not mean, I do not know about sex and the best ways for my customers to be safe and have fun. So either find what you are looking for. Or bounce.“ By this time snarling that last part, actually has that persons shoulders going up to their ears. Before meekly getting a small thing of lube and coming up to pay for it, and then quickly leaving. This Canadian Finn will not put up with anyones bullshit and especially an ignorant rude asshole.