“It’s so hard,” he said, looking at his feet.
She turned her head away from the TV. “What is?”
“All of it.”
I want to go to the mountains and watch it snow.
Last night I thought it was the end
One second I was fine
Laughing with my kids
The next I was being carried out by men
A whirling disaster
Sweat pouring
Nausea setting in
My head spinning faster and faster
I didn’t know if I’d see you again
Or if my kids would remember my face
Told myself if I came out of this
To be a better man I’d do everything I can
I know I’ve failed
More than I haven’t
To be honest
I can’t believe you never bailed
As I laid in a tube
Having my brain scanned
I said a prayer
For the boys and you
I said, Dear Lord if you have some time for me
I have some things I need you to hear
I haven’t been what I wanted to be
Please give me another chance to make them see
See their daddy smiling and free
See her husband devoted and smitten
See their son and smile with pride
See myself and be happy with what’s inside
I came to
You were there for me
I kissed your lips
Said baby don’t leave me
A scary night I’ll never forget
Promises made I’ll hold myself to
Renewed faith in the ones that I love
A healing touch from the man above
In bed by 7 o’clock
Because I’m
Stressed out
and I don’t wanna talk
I’ve been feeling broken
For a long damn time
You’ve been not caring
Cuz these feelings are mine
Am I selfish
For wanting to feel good about me?
Why are the bad moments
The only ones you’re remembering?
I don’t know who that is
In the mirror
He’s a stranger
It couldn’t be any clearer
I need to get away
Just to clear my head
But here I am at 7pm
Paralyzed in my bed
This life is
Not what I expected
Thought I’d be loved
Instead of neglected
Sorrow and pain
Heartache and strain
If I could
Would I do it over again?
Who is this husk of a man
That I’ve become?
Is this a life
I could actually run from?
I should feel full
With so much around me
But I sit here alone
Completely empty
Ring on my finger
Handcuffs on my wrists
Not sure what I expected
But it wasn’t this
I wish I could
Crawl out of this body
If only for a day
To see what it’s like
To feel a different way
See the world
From someone else’s eyes
To be accepted
To be loved
Instead of demonized
I would tear the skin from my body
To set my soul free
To go anywhere
See anything
Be anyone but me
Why do I feel this way?
Why’s it feel so hard?
Why can’t I be like you?
Is it greener in your yard?
I am so alone
I am ripped to shreds
From being tossed aside
I’m all out of strings
There are no more threads
Last night
I dreamt of you
Doing things
We shouldn’t do
I played a game
Inside my head
Where you and I
Were in my bed
I know it’s wrong
I don’t feel right
But my subconscious
Put up no fight
Sometimes I think
In another life
Would I have looked over
At you, my…
I am so lost.
I did this for about 40 seconds while waiting for a coffee this morning and it made me miss it so dang much.
Ed Sheeran - Overpass Graffiti
My mind crumbles
Into a million
Tiny
Blades of grass
Covered in dew
I’m drowning
Fighting
But I can’t find air
Don’t call me weak
Don’t call me crazy
Simply
A man undone
Reached for the highest
From scraping on stars
Knuckles
Bleeding and scarred
It wasn’t a game
This isn’t a hobby
A piece of my heart
Spread across landscapes
This can’t be goodbye
This can’t be the end
But if it is
Farewell
My dearest friend
I miss leaving work early to go to a coffee shop to write. I miss the cozy little corners. I miss the live music. I miss writing.
My son has been very sick for the last nine days. He’s seen multiple doctors, had an ER visit, been poked and prodded, and lost a lot of sleep.
We met with a specialist today and have a plan to figure out what’s going on, but are still very much in a holding pattern while he suffers.
When I tell you the worst feeling in the world is watching your child in pain knowing there isn’t anything you can do but comfort and love him, I mean it. I’m the one he comes to to fix things. I’m the one who kisses booboos and reassures him that he can shake them off like a brave boy.
My kid is tough as hell. He reacts better to pain than I ever have. He gets back up. He laughs things off. But I know he’s suffering. I know he doesn’t feel good. I know he wants us, his parents to fix it. And we can’t. At least not yet. And that is killing me.
Have you ever gotten a haircut so good you almost cried? Stupid, right? It is, but that’s what happened yesterday. I walked out, got in my car, looked in the mirror, and tears formed. Why?
There have been many things I haven’t been doing since the Covid-19 pandemic essentially shut the world down. Not taking care of myself is at the top of the list. I’ve been working from home since March of 2020. I’ve been wearing sweatpants. I’ve been snacking - a lot. I haven’t been working out. I haven’t been doing normal human grooming, like haircuts, because, “Why? I’m not going anywhere.” I’m overweight. I’m out of shape. I look and feel like garbage.
My whole life my dad has said if you’re feeling down or in a rut, go get a haircut. So yesterday I made an appointment at a really nice men’s salon and had a really good talk with my now go-to stylist about how I just want to look and feel like a human again. She got it. She was very sweet and talked to me about her struggles through the pandemic. While I hate hearing people are struggling, sometimes it helps to actually know you’re not the only one.
So she went to work on my rat’s nest and ragged beard. An hour later she asked what I thought and I almost hugged her. I told her I look like me again.
I left, sat in my car, and texted my wife that I feel like me again and that this feels like the spark I’ve so desperately needed to get my life together. Such a small, every day human thing that feels like it’s going to be the thing that propels some major changes in my life.
So I guess if there’s one thing that I can take from a truly shitty 12 months it’s that I need to pay attention to the small things and self care isn’t just a buzz phrase. It’s vital.
Happy early Valentine’s Day from my awesome kid.
Raising a confident kid who will always know his daddy’s got his back.
I never had the support of my parents. My mom found my sister and I to be more of a burden than anything and my dad thought fear and money were parenting styles. I couldn’t talk to either of them - so I didn’t talk. About anything. For years. Neither one of them asked about college when I was applying. They didn’t even know where I was going to school a week before I left. My dad saw me packing and asked who the check needs to be written out to.
It’s no surprise the real world kicked my ass for over a decade. I didn’t know how to interact with people. I didn’t know the right way to be disciplined. I didn’t know anything because for the years I was supposed to be learning from my parents I was holed up in my room pretending I didn’t exist - because that’s what they wanted me to do.
I finally started figuring things out on my own by watching people who were more prepared for life than I was. I pieced it together, but again I was alone in doing so. I still struggle to maintain relationships, make friends, and interact the way most people do. I’ve worked tirelessly to shed the me that knew nothing of the world and educate myself so I can mold me into who I want me to be. It’s a work in progress and one that has a longer record of failure than triumph.
My son will never experience life the way I have. He will never feel the need to be silent or afraid to ask questions or tell me the truth or tell me he’s scared or confused or lonely or sad or happy or that he screwed up. He will never walk through life alone. I will hold his hand and be by his side for as long as he needs me. I will be his comfort zone. I will be the person I so desperately needed. Then when he no longer needs me by his side I will let him go into the world with a head held high. Strong, confident, and unafraid to take risks because he knows I’ve got his back. I’m here. Whenever he needs me. For whatever he needs me for.
And he will never, EVER, have to wonder if he’s loved.
Living in the Midwest, I always had a dream of having my own personal indoor golf bay. My basement would have been the perfect spot, but our ceilings aren’t tall enough down there.
I went to my wife with an idea of putting one in our garage. We only have a two car garage because when we were building our house I was an idiot and said, “We only have two cars.” Pro tip: if you’re building a house, spend the extra 10-15k and get the third stall. You will never, ever regret it. I digress.
My goal was to make a space that’s functional for my indoor golf, but can still be a full time parking space. Above is what I came up with. My net will be there permanently as we can still park our cars without needing to move it. My mat is light and will be stowed away when not in use. My simulator is wireless and small, so no issues there. I put in better overhead lighting and a heater. Eventually I will clean up the power cords and put in an impact projector screen and projector for full simulation golf, but for the rest of this winter, this will do.
Why am I making a post about this? Because it’s a lifelong dream realized and I’ve been having a really hard time with depression and finding things outside my wife, son, and dog that make me happy. Since becoming a father I’ve had difficulty finding time to do the things that make me feel like me. Golf ALWAYS makes me happy and now I have a way to keep at it all year round while still being home and available for my family.
I’m very grateful for the things a lot of hard work has made a reality. I’m grateful to have a wife who gets that golf is important to me and integral in making me feel better about myself. And I’m grateful to have a father who taught me ingenuity and craftsmanship.