The other half of my life

At work, people who know me well enough to know I'm also a college student odten wonder one of two things: A) why in the world am I going into education if I'm currently working EMS? B) why in the world am I working in EMS if I'm going into education? And while I have a series of valid responses to these questions, the truth is that I don't really know... Just kinda felt like the thing to do.

2016

This year was important for me. I got engaged to the love of my life. I student taught and loved all of it. I served my beloved camp as program director, and despite all of the struggles that involved- it was an incredible experience. My mental health was stable. Good, usually! But not always. And at a price, about 70lbs over two years. This February, I'll likely be changing meds. That's a very big deal, and has implications that impact all aspects of my life. 2016 seems enormous... Too much to put into meager words. But I'll treasure it all in my heart. Thanks for being a part of it, in whatever way you have been. I will pray for you all, and pray for me in return. God bless, Happy New Year!

Sometimes I wish they're was a professional way to tell people that they didn't need to call 911.

Check-Up

STUDENT TEACHING IS GREAT! EVERYTHING IS AWESOME! 

I am not drowning, I am treading wonderfully. There may sometimes seem to be tidal waves of work and tasks, but I somehow manage to carry through swimmingly, by God’s grace.

Work is nice, I am finally back to a place where I am comfortable and confident. I sometimes forget to take a chill pill before a shift, but that doesn’t make it hell. I still worry about working a cardiac arrest, but I know in the moment I will do my job. 

Friends are good, God is great, and life is beautiful.

To put something into words that has been on my mind: Either as an EMS worker or as a friend, I have incredibly little patience for people who do not make responsible choices. The time is always right to do what is right. The time to make good choices is all the time.

Lord, help me want to be who you want me to be. Help me be the best of myself!

Her father said yes.

So that happened.

Tonight, I was dispatched to an unsafe scene because dispatch told the wrong truck about there being a lady on scene with a gun.

THAT’S NOT AN OKAY THING TO MESS UP

Where do I begin

If I am getting used to the sensation of drowning and being on the verge of being overwhelmed, is it still drowning? 

TL;DR- Not actually drowning, things are pretty swell.

While having a heart to heart with @victoriouspages I came to the realization that I have been intentionally letting her down because I know she will forgive me and continue loving me. You see, for as long as I can remember people have had very high expectations of me. And for just as long, I have consistently either met or exceeded those expectations. But sometimes I don’t, and I disappoint the person doing the expecting. And with so much going on around me, I have had to choose who I am going to disappoint. Far too many times it has been her and/or God. I need to do better, but can I? I don’t know if I have what it takes.

For the last couple years, I have had the life philosophy that the people in my life deserve the best of me, and furthermore my own faith calls me to be the best of myself. This has led to a lot of great things, especially my incredible progress on the mental-health front. But I have been pretty much in denial about a major factor of taking care of myself: my physical health. Since my senior year of high school, I have gained nearly sixty pounds. Well, starting last week i’m working out and eating better. I want to be able to run a 5k on the treadmill, and Turia and I have even talked about doing a real one. This is important to me, because I have a lot of clothes I no longer fit into. Especially scout pants.

Which brings me to the next bit. I don’t know how open I am supposed to be with it, but I have a super duper awesome opportunity that I have committed to this upcoming summer, and Turia, Bryce, and Lloyd are all on board with me. speaking of which, will @rappkea be applying to camp????????

My theologizing is going pretty strong. The other week, I faced a formidable challenge: I had to co-write a paper on the epistemology of morality. Super challenge: My partner is a secular humanist. Not only did I accept this challenge, but it was one of the best papers I have ever participated in writing and not only was it compatible with a secular humanistic world-view, it was ALSO compatible with Intelligent Design philosophical theology. I was stunned. My partner was stunned. My professor was stunned. The entire freaking class was stunned. It was also voted the best paper of the week (each week half the class writes papers with a partner and then presents and then we vote in secret ballots whose paper was best) by a huge margin. BOO YAH STILL PUMPED

Sometimes I fear my intellectual advances are stymied and hampered by my inability to stay away from mortal sins. I mean, sometimes I really just suck at being Christian. Pray for me? K thanks.

EMS is getting easier. I am working both days every weekend (Saving up for a ring), and the chill pills are helping immensely. By the way, dear friends, I am now on chill pills to help with the increased anxiety as brought about by the higher dosages of Abilify. Things are just so much natural now, and everything is becoming less of a big deal? Not sure how to explain the last bit but go with it. 

Is Abilify called Abilify because it takes just a little curve to turn it into Ability? Or maybe its called that because it Able-ifies someone with Bipolar Disorder? I think about this a lot. 

Why am I putting this all on the internet??????

“Lord, hep me to want to be who You want me to be.”- Diocese of Peoria prayer for vocations

Sometimes I forget I have a tumblr. Hi, everybody!

Lipstick intimidates me. 

oh hi dere

Mental health update

Hey, tumblr. My dosage of abilify was increased, and I was prescribed another medication to cover the side effects. I'm now on Propranolol, a beta blocker. I take it as needed, up to three times a day. Before the summer when I worked EMS, the anxiety was almost crippling. It made me dread even easy days, and really had me down. But now, with the help of Propranolol, that's a thing of the past. I just finished a difficult shift, and I didn't have even a shadow of the anxiety I used to. That's the upside. The downside is that I'm finding it difficult to stay optimistic about my mental health at the moment. At my last appointment, I was asked about if I've been hearing voices, been having suicidal ideations, and even if I've had hallucinations (for your information, I have experienced none of the above). It sank in that all of the above could be lurking around the corner, waiting in the shadowy haze of my future. This was the first dosage increase of abilify, it won't be close to the last. For the moment, at least, it feels like "Bipolar" is a terminal diagnosis. But I know things are beautiful and amazing, and I have incredible support. I won't be alone, unlike so many of those who share my disorder. I'm so fortunate and blessed, and I don't forget it. I know things will get better, I know I'm loved. Thanks for listening.