livin' the nerdy life.

lol i have one friend who isn’t responding to my messages but i need to feel like someone is listening.

so this shit hole is what i’ve got.

i managed to do like an hour of work. and then had like a an extended anxiety attack that’s been going on since then.

i haven’t had dinner because i don’t deserve it.

i googled how much adderall would kill someone. idk. like possibly a lot. but also possibly a shit ton. 

like i thought i was getting better. guess i was wrong. 

i’m gonna fucking fail my comp sci exam and like i almost had an A in this class. but then i went and didn’t turn in assignments and i can’t study. but like according to SAS that’s just a personal problem and not an academic barrier so there’s nothing they can do.

like i’ve been crying for who knows how long. 

idk. i just give up. i’ve tried so fucking hard this semester and the result will be no better than if i put in like a small fraction of that effort. 

i’m not even convinced that jason believes me. maybe that was just him being contrary and a little bitch like i am. but i can’t be sure. he specializes in working with people with anger issues. maybe he isn’t as good at his job as i think. or maybe i’m just too obstinate to be fixed.

i smell so bad.

like honestly i have so much self control i don’t think anybody realizes. cause i eat junk food so much and live in a garbage dump of an apartment nobody would ever think. and i guess in that respect i don’t have any self discipline.

like i don’t fucking matter. just make some fucking space for someone who is less of a turd.

why couldn’t i have been born a real boy.

when i’m dead it’ll be my parents’ fault.

and they’ll have no idea how this could have possibly happened.

I’m like barely holding it together and I thought that at least my appointment is tomorrow but it’s NOT. Tomorrow is Tuesday. My appointment is on Wednesday. I thought today was Tuesday.

Idk. Seeing all these people from high school graduating. All these trans people fully transitioned or at least can live as themselves.

Boy am I a failure of a person. 22 years on this earth and I’ve got nothing to show for it. I really should just kill myself at least that way I’ll stop being such a drain to my family.

i don’t know why i’m alive. why do i even exist. i hate my mom. and she’s like honestly just cognitively so out of it. like she doesn’t hear anything. she doesn’t remember anything. 

i’m a horrible person. i should just kill myself before i cost my family even more money.

Yo I should honestly fucking kill myself. Like boy am I a waste of space.

Literally so much dysphoria I wanna cut myself. Like my body is disgusting.

i want to fucking kill myself. like i drag my ass forever and then i miss scholarship opportunities. 

i just can’t fucking force myself to do stuff. 

but it’s more like i can’t fucking deal with any small amount of hard work. i thought i was okay with working hard. but like that’s a joke. i’m just as lazy as every other fucking schmuck.

idk. i should just die.

like i don’t deserve to be alive. 

people on facebook in this autism group talking about how antidepressants made their anxiety worse not better and they felt so much better after getting off them. and like on the one hand i know how i was before the medication and that was a barely functional human being, but also like i’m better, but like not even good? like normal people are positive numbers. they oscillate around 0. sometimes good sometimes bad.

once you get past like -20 you’re into depression. -40 hits moderate depression. and more than -80 is severe depression. (with like the opposite for mania for completeness purposes of this analogy even though that’s irrelevant to me.)

so i went from like -72 to -46. and that’s a big jump. that’s significant. but that’s only halfway to unhappy. never mind. 0. never mind 2 or 5 or 10. it’s another 27 points just to -19.

and i’m so fucking tired.

like i put all my energy into nothing. like idk how i just burn energy like crazy but i do. i’m always tired. never have energy to do things. i never do things.

i walk up to barriers and i can’t see around them. and it’s not that i’m unable to. it’s that it’s a lot harder for me to see around things than other people. and i refuse to put in that extra effort because i tried a bunch of times and failed. and maybe the normal person fails like 70% of the time, but i got discouraged with my 45% failing and now i just don’t try.

I should just kill myself. I’m a burden on everyone. I’ll never be the person who I want to be. I was doing so much better for a while. But now I’m not. Now things are nosediving into a pile of shit. The world would be better without me.

I should just kill myself.

boy am i fucking anxious.

i don’t usually hate being trans or autistic, but i really fucking hate how it makes my life so much harder and that in a bubble i’m perfectly happy with who i am, but when it comes to dealing with other people it makes everything so much fucking worse.