Hey Miss Heart, how have you learned to cope and manage jealousy? I know it's a feeling like other feelings and generally rooted in insecurities and fear, but I struggle with processing it. Do you tell your partner when you feel jealous? Do you let it wash in and hopefully, out of you? Thanks for any insight.

Jealousy is such a diverse thing in my experience. Sometimes jealousy comes in little pangs, you wince, breathe it away and move on. Sometimes it’s not painful, just annoying, like a fruit fly in your peripheral vision. Sometimes jealousy sits deep down, a dull ache, gnawing at you, quietly rotting. Sometimes jealousy pulsates and throbs a little, makes your cheeks flush and fuels your desire. Sometimes jealousy comes like a murderous thunder, your chest feels like it’s exploding, the intensity radiates through you like it’s trying to swallow you whole.

I’m not afraid to admit that I feel jealous often. The things I feel jealous about, the intensity of jealousy I experience, and the way I handle it depends entirely on the situation and the people involved. 

Jealousy can range in complexity from “I wanna go to the aquarium too” to “I want the kind of connection with you that you have with someone else”, so there’s no canned response here. 

Sometimes I just need a good night of sleep and I feel better in the morning. Sometimes I just need to be patient during an adjustment period. Sometimes I need reassurance, and I ask for it. Sometimes I need to distract myself.  Sometimes if I sit with the feeling long enough I realize I’m not really jealous, I’m afraid, so I speak up. Sometimes I need to talk a walk, or write, or do something creative as an outlet for the feelings. Sometimes I just have to cry and say “this sucks”. 

Sometimes I fill in the blanks with my own assumptions and insecurities, and when I talk to my partner I realize I’m feeling jealous about something that isn’t even happening in reality. Sometimes I need time alone to sort my head out. Sometimes I need to ask questions or understand my partners connections to others so I can feel more comfortable. Sometimes I need to reconnect with my partner, and let the things that feel so good between us soothe me. Sometimes I need to vent to another non-monogamous friend or internet pal, someone else who “gets it”. Sometimes I just need to feel jealous, and remember that this feeling will pass eventually. No feeling lasts for ever. 

One of the things that makes me jealous in a lot of my relationships is time. I don’t have a lot of it, my job and life responsibilities are demanding. So most often when I’m feeling jealous it’s not really about the person, it’s about them having more of a currency I lack. 

Stability helps me manage my jealousy. When I understand the landscape, feel secure in my place, and know what to expect I can reassure myself and handle even big challenges. 

Trust helps me manage my jealousy too. If I know I can rely on my partner to be honest with me, if I know I can trust their judgment, it’s easier to talk myself down from jealous insecurities that arise. 

As for processing jealousy, sometimes it helps to substitute another word for jealous and consider the skills you use to process other difficult emotions. How do you cope with disappointment? How do you cope with grieving? How do you cope with frustration, or sadness? Those coping skills usually translate well to jealousy too. These feelings are inevitable in life, just like jealousy, and we all have skills and strategies we use to help ride out the wave and move through them. 

Here are some things that help me to process: