If there're a few things that we're good at, it has to be eating and drinking.

Queenie; Fantastic Beasts and Where To Find Them

It’s Been A Long While

Hey there.

So it’s been a while since I last posted anything close to personal here on Tumblr. I guess it’s mostly because the platform changed a lot - and to be honest, the community’s quite different. It’s not bad, but most of the friends I had here don’t hang around the site as much anymore (myself included). Don’t worry, if you’re reading this, we’re still all pretty much alive and invested in our Tumblrs. Not as much as 2010, though.

So six years has passed and a lot has changed. Many meatier and more personal platforms have come up, and personally, I had an easier time managing them over this blog. It’s been quite a while, too, since I last sat down and had a physical keyboard at my disposal. Most of the time, I’d head straight to working when faced with keyboard.

I don't need you to do anything else. I just need you to tell me that you love me.

You don't get to make me feel like you love me and not mean it. You don't get to play around with my heart as if it was just another toy. You don't get to kiss me goodnight and not wish me sweet dreams. You see, you may be doing these things unknowingly, yet every move (to me, at least) feels like a well-calculated execution of a much thought about strategy. Step One: make me feel loved Catch me at my weakest moment and let me fall just enough until before I reach the ground. Make me feel like I have crashed and burned but at the last minute, you get to save the day. Give me strength and motivation, as harsh as a drill sergeant but as careful as a mother's touch. Step Two: fix my pieces, broken or not Command me as your own - rearrange my cogs and gears and make me tick in sync to your beat. Replace everything that's broken with a something that works, but barely so. Take the shiny pieces that don't fit anymore and throw them away. Create something new out of me. Step Three: leave Set me out into the wild, running in circles trying to find that "you" that you want me to look for. I'll never find that. Was that how it goes? Was that how you planned it all along? You don't get to make me feel like you love me and not mean it. But the problem here is - I let you. Maybe next time I shouldn't.

Behind the positive determination is a ball of self-doubt.

Sa lahat ng oras na pwedeng nasa isip kita, bakit tuwing gabi pa? Magpatulog ka naman. Sawi na nga, puyat pa.

I just want to let you know that I've written thirteen paragraphs about you and deleted them all. I'm not in the position to give meaning to the things you do. I'm not one to interpret things incorrectly.

Hey, Tumblr. I guess I'm back for the nth time.

It was good while it lasted - the quiet hugs and stares, and the way you look at me like we were not aware of the chaos unfolding behind us. Us. Was there ever an us? Or did we hide behind the you-and-me's we so conveniently spared. You and I, you see, were one when we needed it to be. Yet we sleep on different sides of the bed, dreaming of a life much better than what we had. It was good while it lasted - the music that we shared between one pair of earphones, yours was always the left because you were uneasy when I stayed on the other side. Those four minutes felt like weeks as our blood pumped along the rhythm and the same BPM like you and me were one. But at the end of the day, we never happened like we should have. It was always you and me or me and you and we could never bring that distance to a close, and even when I was under your skin it felt like that was the closest I could ever be to you, to your soul that I adored so much. This whole time you had one foot out of the door and I could never pull you in enough to make you stay. So you walked away. I said the words - that we could never work this out anymore - but even before I finished that sentence, you were already out the door.

I am a well-engineered mess. I can be thoughtful, and caring, and funny, and spontaneous, and sweet. I can be a leader, and a follower, and a listening ear, and a steady shoulder. I can raise you up, and cheer you on, and keep you moving forward. I can be a lot of good things. But I can also be needy, and bossy, and controlling, and selfish. I can forget to say goodnight, and trade our date for a night in bed, and press that I was right even though I'm not. I can be a lot of bad things. You see, if you choose to live in my universe, you are choosing to live in this chaos. You are choosing to let the winds blow you around in circles. But of all things, you are choosing to be with this well-engineered mess.

How could you miss something that's never happened? How could you long for one's embrace when you've never been between their arms? How could you feel the need for one's care when you don't even know if they truly exist? Why do we demand for things that could never be given to us? Why do we look for love in the wrong places? Why do we feel emotions that were never there? Ask yourself. You keep looking for the one to sweep you off your feet, you fail to notice that you're the one doing the sweeping - and someone, who's been there all along, has been swept away by your knightly charm, your exceptional humor, and your beyond-top-40 musical taste. You keep asking the universe to lead you towards the person of your dreams, you never realize that you've reached your destination - walking past the perfect person, in search of that great perhaps. Thinking "maybe they're at the next train station." Look around. You'll find that you're someone's sunshine on a cloudy day, you're someone's cherry on top of the cake, you're someone's favorite everything.

https://soundcloud.com/vincent-paul-gregorio/youth-kidnight-bootleg

https://soundcloud.com/vincent-paul-gregorio/youth-kidnight-bootleg

Porchetta. Enough said. #VSCOcam #VSCOph