I hate how I let you control me and my feelings and my well being. I never thought I was going to end up being that girl crying over a silly boy, yet here I am for the past two years doing just that. A part of me wishes that I had never met you, that way I could go to bed at night with ease knowing that someone like you doesn't exist. Yet another part of me is happy I got to know you and I got to experience this emotional roller coaster. I just feel so many things right now. All my life, I've never actually liked anyone before. Never have I even remotely felt anything for any guy in my life. Sure there were opportunities and whatnot, but I just didn't feel comfortable with any of it. Then I found you, and you just came along so unexpectedly one day. Well actually, I'd known you for a while but I always too shy to even say hi. But apparently you noticed me. I wonder what you thought of me. I wonder what you think of me now.
The more I got to know you, the more I got to know your past. It's a hurtful past, and it broke my heart to know that such selfish people would cause so much pain to such a beautiful person. A part of me wants to hate these girls that hurt you, even though I don't know them. You probably gave your everything to those girls, and they just threw everything back at you. Why would anyone hurt you? It kills me. I just wish you weren't so scarred. I wish you didn't see love in such a cynical way. Most of all, I wish you could see yourself through my eyes. I wish you could see how much of an amazing boy you are. I used to tell you so many times how awesome you were, but I knew you didn't believe it. After a while, it almost started to seem annoying how much I was showering you with compliments. But I just wanted you to know that I thought the world of you.
I was so happy whenever I would talk to you. You just put my mind and soul in such a happy place. Just your simple texts or a little emoji heart would make my entire day. But I have to realize that maybe it wasn't the greatest thing… Maybe there is something better. It was amazing to be part of your life every day, but it was scary at the same time. It was scary knowing that tomorrow you might just pull a 180 on me. After all, you did it the first time. Actually, I was surprised at how long we kept it going the second time around. But deep down, I know the whole time, I was putting a lot more into it than you were. Sure you said some cute things to me sometimes and made me happy, but honestly, you could've made me happy with anything. You never really made the effort to see me either, that was all me. I would cancel work or plans with my friends in order to come watch you play hockey. But it didn't bother me to do that, cause after all, I like hockey and I liked you too. I don't like writing 'liked' in the past tense. As much as it should be written in the past tense, it's not felt in my heart that way. I will unfortunately always care for you as long as I live. Or as long as another boy comes to consume my thoughts like that, but I highly doubt that will happen. I'm not feeling too optimistic these days.
I'm just freaked.. it's like my conscience deceived me. My heart deceived me into thinking you were a good guy, and better yet you were good for me. But maybe you're not? Maybe this is all part of a grand scheme in a plot for something better? I don't know. But all I know is that I miss you. My friends would hate me for saying this, but I miss you. And I'm just so confused because I know that you didn't mean to hurt me. I could just imagine how hurt you were with the past relationships. I just wish this wasn't so shitty. And I wish we hadn't ended in such a bad way. It freaked me out how mean and ugly I was with you. I never meant for it to be that way. I don't make people cry, and I don't hurt them. Fuck this sucks. You played it off all cool like you usually do, but I know it affected you. And it makes me sad knowing that I added to the list of reasons why you think girls are terrible. But I'm not… I just want you to know that I'm not terrible. But if this was last month, I would be telling you this. But time has passed and we are not on speaking terms (or not directly) so I will refrain from telling you anything. As much as we agreed that we won't become strangers like last time, that's exactly what we will become. I won't talk to you because I'm afraid of bothering you or coming off as annoying/clingy. And you won't talk to me because.. well why would you really. There's so many better things you could be doing or so many better girls you could be talking to. I know you can get any girl you want to, and don't act like it's not true.
It amazes me how you even spoke to me in the first place… I am not all that fun or cool. I guess you realized that after you spoke to me. Because you lost interest… twice. I donno what's worse, the fact that I give this way too much thought, or the fact that you probably don't give this any. I don't cross your mind at all. I know I don't, because why would I? It hurts to know that you don't care about me. It hurts knowing that I'm just another acquaintance on your friends list. I wish we could go back to the nights were I was your favorite drunk text and be the person you would send hearts and kisses to. You're my favorite number 42. damn you and your number 42. Damn you for kissing me. Damn you for making me think you wanted this. Damn me for thinking this was possible. Damn me for thinking I am worthy of such a beautiful person. You probably hate me now and I don't blame you. I would hate me too. I wasn't nice at the end, and what I said was hurtful and stupid. I know I should forget about you, but how do I do that? You've consumed my thoughts for years. It won't just go away. "Pain demands to be felt" is the realest thing in the world. All i've felt for years is this giant pain in my chest. It hurts like a bitch. And I hate how you're behind it. I hate how one stupid person is behind this. I will always think the world of you no matter what you do to me. Because the truth is, one day when I see you with another girl, it will hurt the fuck out of me. I will be crushed forever. I really wish I hadn't met you, but at the same time, I wish you loved me back. shit.
