The most interesting thing, actually, is that I've come to terms with my asexuality. This is a much longer post than I have time for right now.
But it will happen eventually.
Well hello! I haven't been here in a while.
Honestly... Not too much to update.
Goldie tried to get back together a few times. Obviously I said no every time.
I briefly entertained a relationship with a girl from Tumblr. Didn't work.
I finally went out with Cos and it reminded me to check in with people about their religious beliefs before dating them. I don't care what religion you are, of course, but when you have a sticker on your car that literally points out that you believe your religion is the only correct one? Yeah NO.
I have a crush on a girl from work who wears geeky children's backpacks and eats lollipops and is kind of the sweetest thing ever. I've sworn off dating people from work. Unless she somehow turns out to be poly and queer. Then I'll reconsider.
I'm getting together with Brain next week. Not sure if it's a friend thing or a date thing. I would be perfectly okay with either, I just need to know when we meet up what it is.
Actually I'm really looking forward to finally spending time with Brain again. It's been a year and a half since our romantic relationship ended. We've remained friends and are always really excited when we run into each other. It will be so great to spend some time with her away from work.
Goldie burned the bridge, and I am not interested in attempting to rebuild it or cross over in some other way.
Done.
Today I am feeling an exceptional blend of compersion and heartbreak.
I fell in love with my best friend a few years ago. Amelie. It's a long story but I didn't tell her I loved her until the night we had to say goodbye. She's not an American citizen and had to go back to her country. But before she left I had to tell her how I felt. And I did. And she kissed me. It was one of the best nights of my life. We haven't spoken much since she left and I felt like I'd really lost her but I still held on to the hope that maybe we could be something more than friends if/when she came back to America.
Today she told me that she's been dating someone for a while and that she is getting married to him.
I truly am so happy for her. She's happy, and I love her. And I want her to be happy. And she is, and that's so wonderful and amazing.
But at the same time I am heartbroken. Because it means I really do have to give up hope. She's a monogamous person, so...
And then the good and bad comes back into play because the man she is marrying has dual citizenship and she will be able to get a green card. She's coming back to America. That's fantastic because I'll get to see her. But it's terrible because I'll get to see her...
I tried to tell Goldie how heartbroken I am. But first off she won't be able to handle me talking about someone else that I love. And second, she came back with something horrible that happened to her today, making it impossible for me to talk about any of my own problems.
So... Compersion. Heartbreak. More heartbreak. Etc etc...
Things seem to be going fairly well with Goldie. We've had some issues, of course. But we're being careful now.
On another note... I've had this ongoing flirtation with Cos, a guy at work. It's been almost two years and I figured if something was going to happen; it would have happened already. But I ran into him the other day... Long story short we're considering talking about going on a date. I told him that I'm currently seeing someone but am committed to not being monogamous in said relationship, and that I would have to have a conversation with that person. It's so hard to explain via text. We're hoping to get a chance to have this conversation in the near future. So I can explain it to him.
Relationships around here would just be so much easier if I could meet other poly people. This "having to explain polyamory to monogamous people" thing is getting old.
It was nice with Brain. We met. I pursued her. She said she was married. I took a step back. We hung out. She mentioned having a girlfriend. It all made sense then. She kissed me. All was good.
But other than her... I meet people and they expect relationships to work one way and I have to explain that they don't have to work that way, and that for me they work in a different way and blah blah blah.
It's just frustrating.Where the poly people at?
And... I'm interested in someone. I'm waiting to really find out if this person is interested in me and if anything could happen before talking to Goldie.
Guess we'll see!
After a week Goldie and I sat down and had a legitimate conversation about all of our problems. We've decided to give it another try.
Many things came up. I expressed my frustration that I can't tell her things that happen with Bry. She expressed that all she knows about Bry is that I'm in love with her so it's hard for her to think about her in any other way. So I told her a few good Bry stories and I'm hoping that may have relieved that situation.
We almost got through the conversation about polyamory but she couldn't quite take it. She said we can continue that one when I meet someone else I'm interested in.
Last night, though... She wanted to hang out after work. And I wanted to spend some much needed time alone. I told her a while ago that I'm very introverted and independent and need a lot of time to myself. She mentioned that she requires a lot of attention and thinks that's not going to work for me. I don't want to continue that right now because we established that we will no longer be having any important conversations via text message.
I don't know what's going to happen next. Right now I'm kind of just going with it...
And as more texts from Goldie roll in I can't help but feel like the process of ending the relationship is going to last longer than the actual relationship did.
Goldie keeps texting me. It’s been three days of texts from her that I don’t want to respond to but for some reason do. Right now she hasn’t texted me in about a day. But every time my text tone goes off I expect, maybe even want, it to be her. It's been all trying to explain things and talking in a way that makes me believe something could actually work. Me trying to say "goodbye" and "I wish you well" and "see you at work" but ending up just responding again.
It’s so easy to forget the bad things when you are away from a person.
On another note... Fitch and I have been sending e-mails back and forth. Actually getting to know each other. It's been pretty rad. I'm looking forward to seeing her at work on Monday.
I'll be seeing Goldie at work tomorrow night. I don't know what that's going to mean.
Just finishing up the last few pages of the Goldie chapter and getting ready to start a new one.
There's this girl at work; Fitch. I've always thought she was adorable and super cool. We've always gotten along really well. But she has always mentioned her boyfriend too often for me to think there could be a chance there. I was telling some people about Goldie the other day and Fitch was in the room. She was kind of trying to give advice but ended up just saying "I'm in an open relationship, so what do I know?" I wanted to scream! And I almost did.
I've been in love with this girl, Bry, for over two and a half years. She knows about it. It's unrequited. Nothing is ever going to happen. I have zero expectations. It is the purest love I've ever felt and it never hurts. I'm in love with being in love with her. Everyone I've been with since seeing Bry for the first time knows about her. Brain always used to say that if Bry and I ever got together she would throw a party. It's really important for me to be able to send texts about Bry to my partners. "Bry is here today. She made some sarcastic comment and let herself get caught staring at me." "Had the best ever awkward eye contact during a really romantic song lyric moment with Bry today." "The other day I was thinking like maybe I could get over Bry someday but then tonight she was trying to get my attention and ran her hand down my arm and I froze and wondered what the hell drugs I could have been on the other day." I don't feel like I could text those things to Goldie without her feeling unsafe and threatened. The thing is that Bry is not a threat. But I don't think Goldie will ever understand that. And if I'm ever going to make it work with Goldie I need to make sure she feels safe. And of course a few minutes after writing this all out I run into Bry and she does and says funny, charming things and I want to be able to text Goldie about it. But I can't.
The other day I worked with my ex's husband's mother. The next day I ran into my ex's husband. The next day I ran into my ex, Brain. It was wonderful seeing all of them. It just reminded me of why I'm polyamorous. Brain ended things with me about a year ago. For a handful of reasons. One was more noblesse oblige than an actual reason. The important one was that her husband was going through some stuff and she felt like she needed to focus on him. Of course I completely understood. We parted on great terms, have remained friends, and left it with the idea that maybe we could try again some other time. I don't really work with Brain, but I do work very closely with her husband and mother in law. Her mother in law never knew, but of course her husband did. Some of my favorite moments were when I'd be texting with both of them while getting ready for work. Or talking to both of them on Office Communicator. Or Skyping with Brain while her husband was lying on the bed in the background. Those kind of relationships are what make sense to me.
Goldie has been displaying such high levels of jealousy and neediness that some of my friends now refer to her as "Stage 5." (I actually had to Google the pop culture reference...) It's getting to be a lot to handle. We still haven't had the chance to have a real conversation about our relationship. We begin to, via text, but it turns into fighting and the obvious resolution that this needs to happen in person. I'm hopeful but trepidatious. I used the word "need" with her for the first time the other day. A friend commended me for being able to tell someone what I need. (Apparently people aren't able to communicate this to their partner? I was unaware...) Goldie didn't take it too well, which was upsetting. But we did end up having a drama free day which was truly wonderful and allowed me to remember why I have these feelings for her.
Tonight I began talking to a poly couple online.
The terrible thing is that I feel just by talking to them that I am cheating on Goldie. And I absolutely can not feel that way.
Right now Goldie is the only person I'm seeing. So I think it's easy for her to think that it could just be like this. But that's not always going to be the case. And as soon as I find someone I'm interested in... It's going to break her. I think she'll be able to go on with the delusion as long as I remain only with her. But that's not how it works. Not how I work.
To be honest? I've found people I've been interested in. But I've done nothing about it because I'd like to find a way to make it work with Goldie and I can't do that if I start seeing someone else right now.
I want to sit down with her and talk boundaries. I want to do all that I can to make her feel safe while maintaining the lifestyle I've worked so hard for.
I want her to want me to be happy, not just for us to be happy together. I want her to just understand, even if only for a few minutes.
I've been seeing someone I met at work. We'll call her Goldie.
She wants a committed, monogamous relationship. I try to explain to her that I can absolutely do committed. And that I want to do committed. But that I don't believe monogamy has anything to do with that. A case of mutual exclusivity. It's hard to explain that committed, non-monogamous relationships exist. And I feel like she's not really letting me explain.
So we have this conversation maybe once a week. And it always results in us almost ending things. I don't want to end things. And neither does she. We want to be together, but we each come with a set of terms that the other is not able to bend to.
I've had a crush on Goldie for several months, and things are finally happening. So I'm not so ready to just let it go. Just give up. But I don't know if she'll ever view polyamory as a valid relationship model.
I'm hoping that, in time, she'll care so much for me that she'll be able to put my happiness above hers and allow me to continue to form relationships the way I have been for ten years. But does that make me selfish? Being monogamous with her is not a sacrifice I am willing to make. And it seems that being with me, in a non-monogamous relationship, is not a sacrifice she is willing to make.
So... what? Do we just give up?
I'm 28 years old. I'm queer in every sense of the word.
Queer. Genderqueer. Polyamorous. (Bio-fem, in case you were wondering.)
I've got some things I need to get out. So... here begins my blogging adventure.