I don't usually talk about what I'm about to talk about on social media. Hell, that's if I ever post at all. I know in the past I angered a lot of people, and I probably don't deserve to say what I want to say or feel how I feel. And in light of recent events, I know that my troubles and pains seem insignificant in comparison. But I just want to get my thoughts off my chest - in the hopes that I might feel better. I made a wish today. That I could have just ten minutes to talk to Eddie. To tell him how much I miss him and need him right now. I was able to finally get access to everything that was on my old computer - photos, some MSN conversations (talk about a throwback), music - everything. I found many photos I had of Eddie that I thought were lost. And quite a few conversations from when I was a stupid young teen looking for love. And through all of the dumb shit you were there for me. Reading through those conversations - I was in my old bedroom, 16 again, laughing at your jokes, and smiling at your remarks of how highly you thought of me. And how open and honest I could be with you. I hate to say that I think I took all of it for granted. I know at the time when I said how much I appreciated you and loved you I meant it - but I still took it for granted. I never expected... Then again no one did. No one does. I just want ten minutes. To tell you how much I still love you, and how much you did and always will mean to me. How much I still blame myself. You might disagree... I don't actually know. Of course I just want you back, even after all this time. But if there is a god out there, some ultimate being, please just ten minutes. I know I let go a long time ago, but reliving everything just brought it all back. Just ten minutes. Even though everything in my being says it's not possible, that this sort of magic is reserved for the movies and cheesy hallmark specials - I just want to believe that I can have my ten minutes. It hasn't been that long, and yet it has. And I'm still no closer to dealing with loss. I'm afraid I never will be.