@katysailinghome-blog / katysailinghome-blog.tumblr.com
What. .. .. I wonder how many poems start this way trying to get out into the world what WE can say.. what we try to say About how we tried to Lay About how we tried to pray About how we tried to pay about how we failed to say, hey I don’t want it to be this way Let me have a chance another day Because I’ve caught the feeling that I’m bound to fade away JUST LISTEN WHAT I HAVE TO SAY i swear, we are all bound to find our way.
Haruki Murakami, Blind Willow, Sleeping Woman (via quotespile)
Haruki Murakami, Blind Willow, Sleeping Woman (via quotespile)
I just can’t sleep There’s this existential terror hovering over me Man, just take the leap! This very risk is such a small fee
Look at this cool ass photo I took paddleboarding on the kulik lake in Alaska. Guess what? I still fucking hate myself. Disgusting ugly fatass freak Hate myself
Here I am again, unable to connect with those around me. I just finished my bartending shift and it sucked. I just don't have fun the way other people do, especially not when I'm sober as fuck and everyone else is beyond wasted. I go to do some dishes and come back to people dancing on the bar, wanting to take selfies with me, stabbing at my singleness. I have nothing in common with you and no I don't want to date your single brother. I work at a place where I can't leave. It literally takes a special plane to get out of this place and I'm here until October. I just want to be outside. I want to be camped out on the island, even if it is pouring rain. It feels so much worse to be lonely surrounded by people than lonely with loons swimming by and mountains towering over me as I watch the ripples of water pass behind my kayak. I hate that I have to try to have fun with people. Why don't I connect with people like everyone else? What is wrong with me? There's no humor for me right now, none. I feel flat and wanting. I just want it to be my day off eve so I can get to my lonely island and be at least relieved of all the effort involved with being surrounded by people I can't connect with but have to serve. Fuuuuck dude. 3 more full days and I'm there. I wish iah was here.
Every day I handle more money than I will ever make. Every day.
At the start of my employment, my boss showed me videos of people stealing, and we both had a chuckle about it. How silly they were! There was a camera overhead, and it’s not to watch the shoppers. See, we can’t actually stop shoplifters. They get away with it maybe nine out of ten times. But we, who are watched and tallied and witnessed? We are always caught.
At first it was hard to hold one hundred dollars bills. An amount I had never seen before. An amount that didn’t exist in my household. It’s normal now. Here is something that is not for me.
“What the hell, I’ll take another,” says the man, pondering our 200 dollar watches. What the hell. Total comes to 580 and not even a flinch in his face. I have been working for 11 hours today and made only 110 dollars. It will go to my rent. Today I work for free, it feels. When I get my check, I will have 35 dollars left for food and saving.
The six hundreds he hands me go into the cash register. For a moment, I imagine having money. Then I put it away, counting out his change.
I know for a fact we sell our products for double what they are worth. That I could be making commission. That they could hand me those 580 dollars and change my life and not even mark the difference in their checkbooks. He’s not the only sale they make today, but I am the reason they made it. He’s not the only one spending 600 dollars, but if I hadn’t spent two hours with him telling me about his life, he wouldn’t have spent any. I go home. I don’t own a watch.
I have watched and rewatched a video on how to make salmon four ways. My shopping list is always the same. Pasta. Rice. Tuna. If I can afford butter it was a good week. I dream of the world I will never walk in, where I can throw the best fish fillet in the cart with a shrug. I hold hundreds in my hand and look up at the camera. I put them under the cash drawer.
I go to work. I scrap together my savings. I eat my bowl of rice slowly. My manager takes a paid week off from work just for his birthday. He owns a yacht.
I’m not worth the cost of a watch.
Great article
K.L. Toth (via naturaekos)
Im a real boring bitch! A snoozer! A low key homebody!!! I love loneliness AND privately trying to deal with emotional trauma!!!
