Take your best shot.  I will offer no resistance.  Then it will be my turn.

Chris Evans photographed by Peggy Sirota for Rolling Stone.

• (about the dancers in the opening ceremony) ‘Oh, nice new trainers!’
• (about the Netherlands) ‘Apparently he has put 1000 euros on himself to win. I hope he doesn’t need the money for tattoo removal because he’s lost it’
• (again about Netherlands) ‘Does anyone find these guitarists marginally creepy?’
• (about Italy pulling a vegetable out of nowhere) ‘I don’t know. I just don’t know’
• (about Israel) ‘It comes with a giant hoop. Sometimes it lights up, sometimes it doesn’t. It’s temperamental like that.’
• (about Israel) ‘Well that was tense. All those fireworks and all that hairspray. Never a good idea.’
• (about Bulgaria’s outfit) ‘Maybe Bulgaria has poor street lighting. She has invested in some neon knee pads, which are useful for… gardening at night. I don’t know what she gets up to’
• (about Germany) ‘There isn’t a single thing about this woman that doesn’t annoy me’
• (about Poland) ‘Enjoy that smile.It’ll be the last one you see off him’
• (about Australia being in eurovision) ‘One of the best things about Eurovision is that it defies logic. Let’s not try to explain it’
• (about Cyprus) ‘From one of the best songs in the competition to… Cyprus. The band is called Minus One… Should probably call it Minus Five, it would be better.’
• (about Cyprus) ‘The band are performing in cages. Not sure who is being protected; them or the audience.’
• (about Lithuania) ‘Whatever happens, he’s got some new sneakers out of the competition’
• (about Croatia) ‘I feel like the backing singers are in some sort of witness protection program’ 
• (about Malta) ‘Not sure if that was the father that was lurking’