maybe whistleblowers just happen to come forward around the time they're about to die. no one ever considers that

This post is #Sponsored by

It had almost escaped my notice that it is now May, the month that dooms to a heartbroken death 99% of characters from folk ballads. So, if you suspect you may be a character from a folk ballad, for your own safety: 

don’t fall in love, don’t go by the river, don’t go to the sea, don’t talk to sailors, don’t gamble, don’t ramble, don’t go North, don’t go North-West, don’t stand in the wind, don’t dance with anyone named Sally, Sue, Mary, Ann, or Barbara, don’t go to the pub (but if you do go to the pub at least don’t drink, and if you do drink at least pay for your own drink, and if you are absolutely broke and have to let someone else pay for your drink then at the very least do try not to forget to toast everyone you know whom you think might be there very loudly and possibly multiple times), don’t lend money, don’t borrow money, don’t wish you had more money, don’t make plans to make more money, don’t start working for a new employer, absolutely do believe anyone who says they will try to kill you, curse you, or maim you, absolutely do believe anyone who says you might die, turn down every invitation to go a-hunting, horse-riding, or a-courting, be wary of flute players you meet on your path, don’t dance with satanic men in black coats, don’t marry off your daughters to the first man who’ll have them, and don’t promise your true love any herbs you can’t readily plant and gather in your own garden. 

There. That should just about cover you for 31 days. Heed the warnings and you may have a chance to last the month. Good luck.

This is how Superhero v. Supervillain dynamics form.

It's a love song

It's a tale of a love from long ago

It's a sad song

We keep singing even so

It's an old song

It's an old tale from way back when

And we're gonna sing it again and again

if you told diogenes the cynic about being trans he'd be like "lol that's a sick troll you're epic" and you'd be like "diogenes no i'm serious" and he'd be like "lol that's even better lmao those guys are so mad about it" and then he'd start going by new original neopronouns every single day specifically to piss off the whole symposium

I just had an idea for a really dumb comedy sketch where a transphobe starts ranting about what really makes a women a woman, and diogenes returns each time with a different cis woman or outwardly femme intersex person that doesn't meet the criteria saying "behold, a man!"

"a woman has XX chromosomes"

*Diogenes with an androgen insensitive XY cis woman*: behold, a man!

"Nono, a woman can bear children!"

*Diogenes with someone who has medical complications associated with pregnancy*: "behold, a man!"

"nono, a woman produces the large gamete"

*Diogenes with a postmenopausal cis woman* "behold, a man!"

Trans Rights With Diogenes! coming to PBS

Some idiot: only women can produce eggs!

*Diogenes holds up a chicken* Behold! A woman!

the beautiful original post by @garaks-padded-bra can be found here, with additions from @acrowbyanyothername, @starfleetshrimps, @imhaley, @ronzyponyo, @funnywormz, @deepestturtlepielover, @willowandthesagaofgayyearning, @summer-azure, and @spacetronomyfan

(as always, omagpies stuff drops on Patreon @/magpiecrown one month in advance, and there’s already a hefty backlog awaiting everyone 💗)

The following is not my idea; it was the original brainchild of a friend of mine named Omicron, with help from various others including EarthScorpion, TenfoldShields, @havocfett and ShintheNinja:

So, you know what I want to do one day? Run (or play in) a D&D campaign in which the Big Bad Super Dragon that is fuckoff ancient and unfathomably powerful and whose actions have shaped history and bent the course of nations and had repercussions on the whole culture and society in the region where it's set; the Bonus Special Boss for some endgame optional quest after you defeat the direct BBEG and win the campaign...

... is a white dragon.

To explain this for people not deep into 5e monster lore; D&D dragons are sapient beings, and known for their instincts and tendencies, and whenever you meet an big evil dragon that's really old it's usually this ancient creature of terrible intellect Smaug-ing it up all over the place.

Except white dragons are fucking stupid. Like, they're still capable of speech and thought! They're just… feral, hungry morons. And you almost never see them portrayed as ancient wyrms for that reason; they lack majesty. Critical Role did it, yes, but even then, Vorugal is explicitly the most bestial member of the Chroma Conclave, and the others are the more intelligent planners and long-term threats. An ancient white as a nation-defining endboss, though; not a thug for a smarter master but as the strongest and biggest threat around is just not the sort of thing you tend to see.

Like... I want to see a campaign where Face-Biter Mike is genuinely the most powerful dragon in the region, if not the entire world. Where sometimes he descends on a city to grab himself some meatsicles and causes a localised ice age by the beat of his vast wings and the frigid wastes of his mighty breath and by the chill his mere presence brings to everything for miles around him, and everyone just has to deal with that for the next decade. An entire era of civilization comes to an end, an empire falls, tens of thousands starve in the winter, all because Mike wanted a snack. Where his hoard is an unfathomably vast mass of jewels and artefacts and precious stones frozen in an unmelting glacier, except he is a nouveau riche idiot with fuckall appraising skill, so half of his hoard is coloured glass or worthless knicknacks, and he doesn't give a shit.

But at the same time, he's not stupid, he's just simple, and in some ways that makes him more dangerous than the usual kinds of scheming Big Bad you see in these things, while simultaneously justifying why Orcus remains on his throne (because he's lazy). Face-Biter Mike doesn't make convoluted plans or run labyrinthine schemes; he just has a talent for violence and a pragmatic, straightforward approach to turning any kind of problem he struggles with into a problem that can be resolved with violence. Face-Biter Mike has one talent and it's horrifying physical power, so his approach to any complicated problem is "how do I turn this into a situation where I can fly down and bite this dude's face off?" with absolutely no regard for the collateral damage or consequences of doing so, because those are also things he can turn into face-bitable problems.

And, like, yeah, it's a simplistic plan, but when you're several hundred tons of nigh invincible magical death, you don't need brilliant strategy; the smartest way to win a war is, in this case, the simplest. He's not even all that clever at figuring out the consequences of face-biting, he's just memorised the common consequences of doing so.

(If you want to go all in on Mike being the major mover and shaker in the region; Nikodemion only even has a pet zombie dragon because Mike killed the last dragon to show up and contest his turf but wasn't going to eat a whole dragon by himself. Nikodemion got to stick around and amass that much power because Mike ate the Hero of the Realm while he was adventuring because he figured the Hero would come and try to slay him at some point. Nikodemion got started because Mike ate half the leadership of the Academy of High Magic who typically keep evil wizards and necromancers in check. And then eventually this product of Mike's casual, careless actions becomes a big enough problem to bother Mike personally, at which point Mike eats him too.)

He doesn't even really fail upwards, either! He is regularly reduced to nothing but the glacier he stores his hoard in, but he's Face-Biter Mike so nobody wants to commit to actually ending him forever lest they get their faces bitten the fuck off. And his hoard's in a huge-ass magical glacier so nobody can get to it without running into the Invading Russia problem; it's hard to wage war when everything is frozen over and you're both starving and freezing to death. Once he's been beaten back to his central lair and has lost all his holdings… I mean, he's still a problem, but he's a far away problem. So he loses his assets and spends a decade in a cave brooding it up while no one dares risk trying to actually kill him, and then a generation or two later he flies down to a kobold colony and gets himself some minions, or a dragon-worshipping mage comes to offer his service against a pittance from his hoard, or a particularly stupid cult starts thinking they can get in good with him and leech off his power, and then he's (hah) snowballing again.

He's also got a very… well, the kind of weird Charisma that Grineer bosses do. Like Sargas Ruk, who's a malformed idiot, but oddly charismatic. As he's a dragon, that makes him a natural sorcerer and thus Charisma is all he needs. He's pretty relaxed when he isn't in a face-biting mood, and he's kind of infectiously optimistic, because his life has taught him that he will succeed as long as he perseveres. So he just believes it.

And sometimes that's really refreshing to work for, as an evil minion of darkness! It's like, you're coming to your Evil Dragon Lord with terrible news; you've worked for evil overlords before, you know how it goes. You fall to your knees weeping and tell him that you've failed to seize the incredibly powerful magical artifact, you think your life is forfeit. And he's just like "Eh, it's okay, these things are all over the place. Better luck next time. You remember the guy who took it, right?" and you go "Y-yes, oh great lord!" and he's like "Sweet tell me his name later and I'll grab it" and then eats a frozen adventurer he kept around as a snack.

His followers tend to quickly realise that if they fail him, bringing some temple's silver or a sack of brightly coloured beads or a couple of dead cows means he's super forgiving because at least he's got something out of the day. "Oh boy, cows? It's been forever since I had those, ever since the Orc Steppe Nomads took over it's all about goats and onions. Today is a good day." He's a master of delegation by dragon standards, in that he just tells you "Just go get it done, I don't care how" rather than micromanaging you and constantly appearing as an image in smoke or taking over your campfire.

The key part of Face-Biter Mike as a threat to players (because he exists in the context of a D&D campaign) works well in that you can rely on several known quantities:

So as long as you are good at staying under the radar, thwarting his minions (whom he gives broad orders to with almost zero oversight) and not putting yourself in face-biting range, you can deal with him. If you succeed, it won't be the first time Mike has lost his assets and had to go brood in his glacier for a decade or two before rebuilding. It happens; he can deal with it. And that's a win for you within the context of a single campaign, so take the win.

And if you're not going to use him as an enemy, he works pretty well as a quest-giver, too! The costs for failure are obvious and straightforward, and "do whatever, just get me mine" means that players have a lot of freedom in accomplishing their goals. As far as evil overlords go he is actually one of the least dangerous to work for; his pride is relatively subdued by draconic standards, his goals are simple and typically achievable, and he is easily pleased.

(There's also a good chance he is the forefather of any draconic sorcerer in your party, because Face Biter Mike is a deadbeat dad.)

(SOUND IS CRUCIAL) this video is has murdered me dead the music the editing the way information is slowly revealed about the two of them the plot twist the breaking bad images. WILLIAM WILLIAM WILLIAM. all over minecraft parkour someone help im seizing

In another universe, Sam Reich is part of Batman's rogues' gallery.

@thebibliosphere

Him and the chocolate guy.

Nightwing: "...but why is it made of chocolate?"

Amaury Guichon aka Chocolate Guy, incredulous: "It is a bombe au chocolat, what else should it be made of?"

Sam Reich, popping around a corner, delight in his voice:"I have a better question: HOW DID YOU MAKE A BOMB FROM CHOCOLATE!?"

"WTF where did you come from?"

Reich, with manic glee: "Me? I've been here the whole time! :D"

Batman swings in, punching them both.

What do you think @thebibliosphere? Is there something here?

"What is this?" the kidnapped socialite demands, rocking uselessly in the chair they're tied to in the abandoned confectionary factory, "What do you think you're doing?"

"Ah, mon petit chou pourri, isn't it obvious?" Amaury Guichon asks, standing over a bubbling vat that smells sickeningly sweet. His smile takes on a sinister gleam. "It's death by chocolate."

The sound of Nightwing slow clapping from the rafters is heard.

Meanwhile, the League of Assassins is taking a vote over WhatsApp to eliminate Sam Reich because they're worried he'll take over if he gets bored enough.

"Hang on, I know a guy," the Riddler says.

Brennan Lee Mulligan enters the chat...

Mammals both produce milk and have hair. Ergo, a coconut is a mammal.

I know you’re being facetious, but this is an actual issue with morphology-based phylogeny.

*leans over and whispers to person beside me* what are they talking about

*leans over and whispers back*  Human ability to quantify and categorize natural phenomena is sketchy at best and wildly misleading at worst

consider the coconut

this reminds me of that time Plato defined humans as “featherless bipeds” and Diogenes ran in with a plucked chicken screaming “BEHOLD A MAN!”

i love how you say “it reminds me of that time” like you were there.

listen if an immortal feels brave and supported enough to come out we should respect them

This post is a journey

1 Reblog = 1 Respect

I maintain that humans started attempting classify animals, and some god or another made the platypus, and is still laughing.

Zeus: *hits joint* okay so like. It’s gonna have a duck bill right. But an otter body okay? And then a beaver tail. It’s a mammal. But. It lays eggs!

Hades: wait wait dude. Give it. Give it poison. Make it poisonous

Athena: You mean venomous, and make sure the eggs have both reptile and bird traits. Hermes: *takes the joint* Give it extra senses. Poseidon: It should be aquatic.

I MEAN where’s the lie

Demeter: … And where exactly do you expect me to put this? Everyone: Australia.

World Heritage Post

most of the talk on this website about Game Changer is how Sam Reich psychologically tortures his contestants, but I want to make it clear to the uninitiated that he's actually extremely ethical about it

He sends out a company wide email and asks them to choose episodes based on a chili pepper rating system

meaning he doesn't put 🌶️🌶️ people into 🌶️🌶️🌶️🌶️🌶️ episodes

they're also big on consent ie cast and crew have to be okay with it before they'll do nudity or something like that in an episode

it's like the bdsm of psychological torture. safe, sane, and consensual.

the contestants know what they're getting into, and they're full down

Brennan Lee Mulligan is enrichment for Sam Reich

it's a very efficient system

Kind of a dog heaven is squirrel hell situation

[ID: reply from gaytransgirl reading "YTA go fuck yoursel— wait no" End ID]

More examples of the WORST mansplaining here.

This might be my favorite

This is mine

Very Silly Concept: a show called "Accessibility Nightmares" but it's structured exactly like Kitchen Nightmares. An accessibility specialist goes to different establishments and helps them make their businesses more accessible.

The accessibility specialist asks why the door at the top of the small set of stairs has a wheelchair symbol on it. The owner replies that's the accessible bathroom. The camera zooms in on the specialist as they process this information.

A customer with a service dog comes in to a restaurant. The hostess tells them they don't allow dogs. The accessibly specialist looks over at the hostess like

And there are web accessibility episodes too. The accessibility specialist stares at the white text on the light pink background of the home page like

The specialist asks why not a single product picture has alt text, and the business owner says "Well I mean, it's makeup, why would a blind person be shopping for makeup?" The specialist just

The specialist asks the web designer how a screen reader user is supposed to complete the captcha portion of the password reset process when there is no audio alternative. The designer admits they don't know.

When you left this tag three days ago, I thought "that's so sweet, but no. No way this concept is even close to that popular."

[ID: Four pictures of Gordon Ramsay in various states of confusion. /end ID]

This is it. This is my job. This is what I do for a living. I make those faces and then I tell my uncaring monitor exactly what is wrong with this website and what the site owner needs to do to fix it with all the fucks I can’t put in official work documents sprinkled liberally throughout.

And now I will be picturing Gordon Ramsey when I do it.

Temeraire (the series)

I have always thought that the Temeraire series would have benefited greatly by a token honour guard being assigned to the new ‘prince’ in Book 2. Like, not a proper honour guard, but SOMETHING. Like, one courier and a couple of fighting dragons. 3-4 Chinese soldiers from the aerial divisions.

Of course, these soldiers would be women, as only women fly dragons in China. Can’t send someone young and attractive, or even someone mildly interested in men, that would lead to Shenanigans. Can’t send someone who can’t fight, since for some reason Temeraire is very into fighting. Can’t send someone who’s easily cowed, because the English will definitely try that. 

What I’m saying is that the entire Temeraire series is greatly improved if you imagine all the later books occurring with a sort of Greek Chorus of increasingly annoyed honour guards who were chosen because they were the rowdiest, orneriest, toughest middle-aged lesbians in China. (Picture the three goofy friends from the animated Mulan, but older, female, and So Over This Shit)

And as fun as it is to imagine their increasing exasperation with him, I do also believe that  they would be so, so loyal. William Laurence may be stubborn, kind of thick, repressed as hell and clearly the plaything of destiny, but he is a good man. Honourable, brave, kind, and doing his best in a series of really insanely difficult circumstances. They might even draw the same parallel I did, comparing their travails to those in ‘Journey To The West’ - they standing in for the three rambunctious spirits being sent by Heaven to escort a noble but incredibly hapless monk on his quest. 

And as much as I enjoy the bitching and moaning in my head every time he does some stupid noble shit, I also can’t help picturing one of them, when they finally return to China, standing up to speak to the court and beginning with the words ‘I have been on a journey to the West, in the company of a virtuous man’, and the whole court being all ‘oh, classy reference, this is going to be a good story’ and Laurence trying not to curl up pillbug-style with sheer mortification because he can’t handle fulsome compliments and also this woman has told him he’s an idiot more times than he’s nearly died, WHICH IS A LOT.

this sounds like a completely different book, but one I want to read.

@ocean-again Me too. 

His bodyguards would, I believe, have Absolutely Flipped Their Shit at two separate points. (Spoilers to follow)

1. When the English Admiralty decide it is a swimmingly good idea to a) release a virulent and deadly dragon disease on a) France and b) the rest of the known world so that they can be superior to everyone in the air as well as at sea, and the honourable dumbass William Laurence who these poor put-upon fighty lesbians are supposed to be protecting decides to escape from them and commit ‘treason’ out of sheer nobility because he can’t endure the idea of all that suffering and death. 

Firstly, they are absolutely furious at him for ditching them because they’re his DAMN BODYGUARDS AND HE RAN AWAY AND GOT LOCKED UP IN A FRENCH PRISON FOR WEEKS. Secondly, they’re mad because he didn’t let one of THEM do it, which would NOT have been treason because they’re Chinese and England can kiss their asses on this subject. Thirdly, because if his stupid ass had actually talked to them first they could have told him they’d already dispatched like three different samples of the cure to China via ship and dragon couriers because, again, they’re loyal citizens of China and England’s delusions of grandeur are not in any way their concern.

But when the English tried to arrest him and try him for treason? 

WHEN THEY TRY TO SENTENCE A PRINCE OF CHINA TO DEATH?

This always struck me as a very weak point in the otherwise well-plotted series, because apparently the Admiralty are no longer at all concerned about pissing off China even though they were wetting their pants at the thought a few books earlier, and it is immensely satisfying to picture the absolute shitstorm that would hit those smug, dragon-murdering asshholes if there was a group of Chinese soldiers on the spot ready to throw down.

ENGLAND TRIES TO KILL A PRINCE OF CHINA? ENGLAND TRIES TO SPREAD DISEASE TO CHINA AND KILL ITS DRACONIC CITIZENRY? WAR UPON ENGLAND! WAR UPON ENGLAND FOR 1000 YEARS!! 

(Whether any of the rest of the series would even happen at that point is up for debate, but the enormous Diplomatic Drama that would ensue is endlessly entertaining to picture. Especially the part where one of them storms over the channel to tell Napoleon - who is on the verge of attacking England - that England has committed an act of war against China PLEASE ENSURE THIS REPORT GETS HOME AT ONCE. Napoleon is, at this point, in control of almost the entire land-route to China, even more irate at England than usual, and, I am willing to bet, fucking delighted to pass this news along as fast as possible.)

It is entirely possible that instead of being transported, Laurence and his suddenly incredibly diplomatically difficult bodyguards are sent to Australia simply to get them as far away from the Admiralty as possible before they cause any more trouble. 

2. When their charge got his stupid ass thrown overboard off the coast of Japan. Like Temeraire, they would absolutely refuse to believe he’d drowned… not because they don’t want to believe that they lost the Prince of China with whom they were entrusted, but because at this point not one of them is capable of believing that anything can kill this fucking idiot. No, he has clearly found his way to Japan, where he is making Massive Trouble Of Some Kind At This Very Moment and Probably Starting Another War.

Which, given that at this time, Laurence has been arrested/captured/pressed into service no fewer than (tries to count) I want to say six times? I’m kind of out of it right now through being unwell, anyway, he’s been apprehended a minimum of six times, had the same ship catch fire under him two different times, sinking with most of its hands the second time, has just had a different ship sink under him off the coast of an unfriendly country, and has been the direct-if-usually-unintentional cause of at least five major political upheavals (including the death of a different Chinese prince, the end of the slave trade and loss of Cape Town, and the premature end of a dangerous plague), is a completely rational assumption. 

When they locate him and find out that he’s lost his memory OF ALL OF THEM, AND HIS DRAGON, AND ALL THE TROUBLE HE’S CAUSED, I don’t care how much emotional control an experienced Chinese soldier is supposed to have, at least one of them is going to just explode. They love him, but why is he like this.

The thing is, if Laurence had a team of Chinese bodyguards present and reminding the Admiralty very directly that he is A Prince Of China–so they couldn’t go oh, it’s just a legal fiction to let Temeraire do what he wants–I think the chances are very good that the Admiralty would not try to arrest him and try him, they’d just say “fine, okay, get lost, we don’t want you here.” Which would not result in war.

@beatrice-otter Well, I would agree with you if the Admiralty had enough brains to fill a teaspoon in these books, but they do not. These guys not only told a bunch of aviators what they’d done, they told William ‘Honour Is My Life’ Laurence, who was willing to fist-fight the entire Chinese Embassy to keep his dragon that they’d decided to kill, like, all the dragons. In full awareness of what Laurence had just done in his efforts to save the dragons, what’s more. Just came out and TOLD THEM. 

I absolutely do not credit these guys with enough higher brain-functions to realize that the three Chinese dragons and aviators Laurence brought home, who have been assisting the corps for a long time, a) would dare to cross them, or b) even speak enough English to find out what they did. That collection of smug twerps thought they’d just get away with the attempted murder of every dragon in Europe (AKA an act of war against both enemies and allies) AND killing Laurence and keeping a rare and precious Chinese dragon, they clearly have no ability to predict possible negative consequences.

I would have believed without question that they had that conversation with Laurence, unchanged from canon, with his Chinese bodyguard in the room. And just, you know, assumed she didn’t understand.

Every time something from HMD comes up I wonder about Dayes and whether Granby was actually friends-friends with him or just cordial comrades by way of being first and second lieutenant on the same dragon. Would they have stayed in contact at all after the first book? Like, nobody ever tells Granby the whole of what happened with Dayes, so Granby going all ride or die for Laurence wouldn’t necessarily make him end the existing friendship, if there was one.

Close your player character:

You’re Jane Roland, hosting a dinner party under duress to try and make aviators look more respectable now that there’s no more war going on. The dragon population is about to explode because of captured French eggs and as such you’ve invited all the aviators who’ve been stuck at first lieutenant status for years due to lack of eggs, in the hopes of sizing up which ones actually deserve promotion. In addition to that group, there are a number of very horrible very stuffy important people in attendance, and also your ex-booty call and all his friends, who will at least be entertaining and willing to back you up against the navy admiralty who are unfortunately also present. Things seem to be going well, or at least as well as can be expected, right up until one of the aviator captains punches one of the promotion prospects in the face.

Or

You’re Will Laurence. Retired. Here at this dinner party as a favor to Jane. You want to be anywhere else because you haven’t enjoyed a dinner party even once in the last decade. You swear you used to enjoy these. Sitting next to you is the very first personal enemy you ever made in the corps. but it's been over ten years, so it should be fine, right? You've Been Through It since you last saw this guy, and besides, your friends are all here too. It's fine.

Or

You're Lieutenant Dayes, and you have been a first Lieutenant for the last ten years of brutal, grueling war, and as much as your near-guaranteed upcoming promotion has taken the edge off, you still can't help but see red when forced to interact with the man responsible.

Or

You’re John Granby, suffering through a formal dinner party your upbringing has really not equipped you for, and to cap it off you don't have eyes on Iskierka and won't for at least several hours. She could do anything in that time. On the plus side, your best friend and your boyfriend are both here, and it's a chance to catch up with old comrades whom you haven't seen in years at the perfect time for them to let go of their you-got-a-dragon-and-I-didn't resentment, because most of them are up for promotion very very soon. You've been reviving old relationships left and right, and you turn to get started on one more just in time to hear said old comrade tell your best friend (who you have a possibly unhealthy level of devotion to) that he "should never have been allowed to keep that dragon. From Navy clodpole to traitor dog, you've done nothing but ruin men and beasts. The corps went to the devil when you were pardoned."

Or

You're Tenzing Tharkay, and suffering through all of the microagressions of the first half of the night is suddenly worth it just for the chance to see Granby vault a table and knock two of a man's teeth out.

Laurence, wrapping some ice in a napkin and holding it to Granby's split knuckles, disapproving: I thought I told you to have a care for the other arm

Little: You did, I was there

Granby, feeling unfairly ganged up on: As if you wouldn't have challenged him to pistols at dawn if Roland hadn't made you swear not to

Tharkay: Oh, so that's how you get him to agree to be sensible? Excuse me, gentlemen, I need to speak to the Admiral