Jurassic World in 6 seconds

this twitter is too precious for this world

I’M A JEDI AGAIN MOM

in stories featuring aliens, they’re always like “on my planet this never happens!” or “in my culture, this differs from your human culture.” and that’s neat and all because i like worldbuilding and all that jazz but wouldn’t it be fun if they just. couldn’t do that?

i want a story where humans encounter an alien who frustrates them because they don’t know enough to tell them anything concrete

like humans will ask “tell us about politics in your planet!” and the alien’s all “uh… hold on it’s been a while since i took gov. um….”

“what sorts of plants grow on your planet?”

“i dunno i grew up in the suburbs. they’re like… purple? idk what you want me to say”

“tell us about the culture on your planet!”

“do you have any idea how many fucking countries are back home, i don’t even know where to begin”

“your planet is obviously much more scientifically and technologically advanced than ours. is it possible for you to enlighten us on certain matters concerning space travel, or would that be a form of interference you must avoid?”

“naw it’s cool, it’s just that, um, i’m a philosophy major”

OOH OOH AND

“take me to your leader” 

“…we have like hundreds of leaders like which one? my country’s leader? another country’s leader? the director of our space program? my country’s military leader? my mom??”

i never noticed how strong that penguins braid game is

thats a raccoon

when you’re listening to music on shuffle and a fall out boy song plays 

This fast food restaurant said theyd add an egg to anything for cents I jokingly asked them to add one to a soda I dont know what I expected

You should have expected a smartass response to a smartass request.

at the grocery

i was gonna make this a joke but im too tired someone do it for me

store

i just want to be called cute and beautiful like 23/7 

why not 24

snack breaks 

I THOUGHT I HAD A FAVOURITE INFOMERCIAL GIF

BUT I THINK I HAVE FOUND A NEW FAVOURITE