Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

The Turtles' Awesome Easter

Time for my annual Easter tradition: Watching the Turtles learn about our salvation from sin through the death and resurrection of Christ.

Cowabunga!

It's the holiday season (the holiday season!) and I've devised a new spin on the White Elephant concept, one that will surely secure my place on the naughty list.

I have, to the best of my ability, compiled a list of every Christmas movie available on every streaming service available to me. I have printed the names of these 741 Christmas movies, cut the printed list into 741 scraps of equal size, and placed them into large gift bag. I will add more as more movies are made available.

Will I stumble into a trove of unexpected classics, or will I learn that there's a reason most people don't leave their viewing habits to chance?

This ranked list (updated daily-ish at the link above) will also include seasonally appropriate movies I choose to watch. Movies pulled from the bag will be marked as "White Elephant" selections, just so everyone's clear on the separation between bad luck and my own bad taste.

BONUS! Last year's ranked list:

Around the time of my tenth birthday, a British friend told me about a show called Teletubbies. Nothing he said sounded real, especially the part about it being massively popular. Imagine my surprise, just weeks later, when my younger sister was watching PBS and I saw that this show existed, was exactly as he'd described it, and would soon make its American television debut. I lost my mind. I was obsessed, catching every episode I could, talking about it with my likewise astounded friends on the playground. How was this a show? Why was is so compelling? I thought my interest had run its course, but this morning, I watched the first episode of the Teletubbies Netflix reboot, and I have thoughts:

I haven't done any writing in, like, a year, so I gave myself a little assignment: Watch at least one seasonally appropriate movie every day in October and jot down some thoughts. I also gave them star ratings and ranked the whole list. It's a weird list. At first, I was scrolling through individual streaming services and browsing the DVD racks at the public library, but there were so many choices and only so many hours for movie watching in a month. I started copying every name of every freely available movie that looked like it might possibly be interesting in some way, good or bad, and let the computer choose for me. It's a weird list. If you'd rather keep scrolling through Tumblr without jumping over to another site and reading a million words and word-like typos, here's the gist, from best to worst:

Happy Halloween. Watch something spooky.

Movies I have watched and have not yet ranked and reviewed, but maybe by writing their titles on a publicly viewable list, I'll force myself to finally do something about that:

The Straight Story Teen Witch Sabrina the Teenage Witch Waitress Jaws! Piranhaconda Blast From the Past Never Been Kissed Mulan Ghost Ghost World Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs LoveHard While You Were Sleeping I think that's everything?

Mall City

Here's something a little different.

Mall City is a student documentary about mall culture. It was shot on video in 1983 at a New Jersey mall. Aaaaaaand... Well, that's about all there is to it.

Our team of documentarians don't seem to be especially thoughtful, about this topic or any other. They're just some college kids with borrowed camera equipment and a mall full of characters.

Documentaries are typically edited to tell some kind of story, and there is a little manipulation here and there, but most of the directorial choices come off as haphazard; like this was just a homework assignment they needed to complete. That might sound like criticism, but the result is less a story and more a pure time capsule.

Kids smoking! Indoors! The sound of Mario jumping over barrels piercing all other background noises! Big hair! Accents! Member's Only-ish jackets! Those weird, angular, tiled plant pits with teens leaning on them that were in every mall in the country for some reason! The scariest Bugs Bunny costume!

From hearing a youth casually refer to something as "ace" to a surly punk complaining that people should be doing something more constructive, it's a trip to a time and place that's both firmly behind us and inescapable.

It's also really short (less than an hour), and you can watch it on the ol' YouTube.

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I’m ranking every movie I watch between my 33rd and 34th birthdays right here on Tumblr dot com because I am some kind of idiot person, I guess.

The Net

Sandy B. is much too good for this. Even by 1995, she was too good for this—in fact, The Net was released as the great masterpiece While You Were Sleeping.

I'll go a step further: This movie was not good enough for wide release. This is some Lifetime trash. Don't get me wrong; I loves me some basic cable original motion pictures, but I remember seeing commercials for The Net on TV. This was propped up as a major blockbuster, and it's not that.

What it does have going for it is inexplicable, wasted star power and an accidentally prescient story about the danger of online data manipulation. It's not really about that, though. It's just a typical Cassandra story, about a poor woman who was wronged by an evil, charming man, but no one believes her, and now she has to clear her name before it's too late!

It's totally by the numbers, but I'll admit that the mid-'90s computer stuff did a lot for me (wow, there's a HyperCard box on the shelf in that cubicle!), and Dennis Miller's whole character is just so weird, babe.

It's drab, rote, and unengaging, but...I didn't give in to the urge to turn it off? Take that for what you will.

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I’m ranking every movie I watch between my 33rd and 34th birthdays right here on Tumblr dot com because I am some kind of idiot person, I guess.

All of Me

Lily Tomlin dies. Her spirit gets stuck in Steve Martin's body. He has to learn to live with her while trying to remove her from himself. And that's everything you need to know. There are no real surprises, no great characters, no memorable scenes, and no thoughtful insights. There's just not a great deal of fun here, which is a disappointment coming from Steve Martin and director Carl Reiner. The Jerk is maybe the best comedy of all time. All of Me is sorta boring. It's not terrible, and the ghost premise gives Martin a few opportunities to show off what an incredible physical comedian he is, but that alone isn't enough to earn a recommendation.

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I’m ranking every movie I watch between my 33rd and 34th birthdays right here on Tumblr dot com because I am some kind of idiot person, I guess.

The Asylum's Top Ten Movie Titles

10. Battle Star Wars

The poster places "Battle Star" and "Wars" on separate lines, so it's fine. We definitely don't need to get any lawyers involved.

9. Avengers Grimm: Time Wars

If they'd called it "Avengers Grimm: Battle Time Wars," it would get a higher spot on the list, but this is still pretty amazing.

8. Sunday School Musical

If you don't buy this movie, you can't go to Heaven.

Sorry. I don't make the rules.

7. 11/11/11

It's easy to overlook 11/11/11. On its own, it's not much of a title, but context is everything.

11/11/11 was an attempt to cash in on the success (?) of 11-11-11. I guess the strategy worked, because unlike 11-11-11, 11/11/11 got two sequels, 12/12/12 and 13/13/13.

6. Snakes on a Train

I bet there's rich folks eaten in a fancy dinin' car.

5. 5harknado: Global Swarming

The joke got old fast, but there's a reason Sharknado became a breakout hit. That single portmanteau tells you everything you could possibly want to know while still leaving you with questions.

It's so dumb. It's perfect.

4. Airplane vs. Volcano

A battle of equals.

3. The Doctor Will Kill You Now

The real malpractice is that this movie was also released under the name "Doctor Death." Snoooooze.

2. Ape Vs. Monster

This is where you would watch King Kong and Godzilla, except they're on The Gabbo Show now.

1. Transmorphers

The first name that comes to mind every time I think about The Asylum.

It's on the nose. It's gibberish. It's glorious.

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Runners Up

The Farewell

I've been watching a lot of dumb junk lately, and the thought of watching a real movie, with like, meaning and emotions and stuff sounded rather nice.

I'm hesitant to say much about the plot. The premise is made clear fairly quickly, but I still think you're better off going into The Farewell completely blind and experiencing it for yourself.

Kinda defeats the purpose of a review, I know, but there you have it: This is a good little movie about people dealing with things. I got more laughs out of it than I've gotten from most of the comedies on this list. I got a glimpse into a culture I've never known. I considered weighty issues. I'm afraid I didn't love it the way critics have, but I did like it, and I do recommend giving it a shot if you're in the mood for a story that's small, personal, and human.

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I’m ranking every movie I watch between my 33rd and 34th birthdays right here on Tumblr dot com because I am some kind of idiot person, I guess.

Mars Attacks!

My family rented Mars Attacks! when it came out on video, and I haven't seen it again since then. It has a bit of a cult following, so I hoped it was better than I remembered. It was not.

There are so many scenes that give a glimpse into what could have been a truly great movie, but it tries to do too many things. Is it an homage to old B-movies? A parody? Satire? An anarchic cartoon? Is it smart? Is it dumb? Is it a legitimate action-adventure blockbuster? Is it a studio comedy? Am I supposed to care about any of the characters? Mars Attacks! is packed with hilarious ideas, memorable visuals, and star power, but the script is weak and it was shot without any strong direction.

Looking back after all these years, it is shocking just how similar Mars Attacks! is to Independence Day, which was released less than six months earlier, and which I like significantly more. What makes ID4 work for me is that Roland Emmerich is a dumb guy who thinks he's smart. His confident stupidity is on full display. It's a cocky movie from a cocky idiot at the top of his game.

Tim Burton, on the other hand, is someone who should have been able to put out a perfect Ed Wood-like alien-invasion dark comedy in his sleep, but he seems to have deliberately avoided doing the things you associate with Tim Burton. Or at least the things you would have associated with him prior to Mars Attacks!

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I’m ranking every movie I watch between my 33rd and 34th birthdays right here on Tumblr dot com because I am some kind of idiot person, I guess.

In Which I Briefly Offer Thoughts on Several Movies I've Watched Recently

Confessions of a Shopaholic

My theory is that someone accidentally gave the editor footage from rehearsals. You can practically hear the director saying, "Great, so you walk over heeeeeere...and stop. Good. Wait a beat. Now, surprised face! That's it; you're so surprised. Perfect. Let's reset, and we'll do it for real this time."

As bizarre as it is to see these kinds of performances from such a strong cast, the movie's also too boring to recommend to anyone.

Thelma & Louise

Now and then, I hear someone imply that feminism is somehow incompatible with fun entertainment. These people are morons who don't deserve masterpieces like Thelma & Louise.

Green Lantern

Kudos to Ryan Reynolds and Peter Sarsgaard for injecting a little life into this stinker. The story is simple enough that it could fit in a single episode of a Saturday morning cartoon, but it's over-explained enough to fill two hours. The character designs are some of the ugliest I have ever seen. The hideous CG is a constant distraction. The characters are flat. The threat that has the entire universe ready to surrender is resolved when one guy knocks a space octopus into the sun with a single punch. It is nice that you get to watch a bunch of nameless civilians unceremoniously collapse into a pile of bones while space monster 9/11 is happening, although it stops just short of letting children die before your eyes. (Oh, right, the brainless comic book movie deliberately evokes images of 9/11 for some reason.)

It's all terrible, and it has the audacity to throw in a mid-credits sequel teaser scene, which means this is not just garbage, but oblivious garbage. That's kinda fun.

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Romy and Michele's High School Reunion

If you've never seen Romy and Michele, you might think it sounds unflattering when I say it feels less like a movie and more like a long episode of a sitcom. The plot is simple. The structure is simple. The characters are simple. It's just another week with this familiar duo.

If you have seen it, you know that's why it's so good. This movie knows exactly what it is. The cast is perfect. No one needs to show off. The funny parts are hilarious, and the moments in between still have me laughing at something that just happened or in anticipation of the ridiculousness ahead. I watched with subtitles tonight, which really proves (not that there was ever any doubt) how subtly incredible Mira Sorvino and Lisa Kudrow are. Seeing the lines written on the screen shows how inventive their deliveries are. The script is funny, and they make it a thousand times funnier.

Tonight is also the first time I've looked closely at the poster: "The Blonde Leading the Blonde." What a terrible tagline. Just awful.

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Congo

Congo is a perfect comedy; the kind you only get when a big studio signs off on a $50 million budget without knowing they're making a comedy.

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Whoops, I Fell Behind

I think these are all the movies I've watched since the last update.

Terminator 2: Judgment Day

I guess I didn't like T2 very much the first time I saw it. It must have been a matter of miscalibrated expectations, because I thought it was pretty fun this time. It's a dumb, cheesy, feel-good family movie about a boy and his robot, and it also has exceptionally well-made action sequences and lots of swears.

Gulliver's Travels

The 2010 Gulliver's Travels, that is, starring Jack Black. It's so weird.

It is so weird.

It starts weird, and then it gets weirder. After about 15 minutes, I came up with a theory that they'd just spliced cut footage of Jack Black from other movies together and tried to Forrest Gump other actors on top of it, but no, every performance from the whole star-studded cast is bizarre. Every scene feels like it was shot by a different director, none of whom had ever communicated with each other.

Things just happen because they are the kinds of things that happen in movies. Imagine a waiter bringing you a head of cabbage, a t-bone steak, several noodles, one egg (cracked), and a sealed bag of gummi worms served in a scalding hot bowl of Sprite with flour. We would all agree that that is a meal, right? You can't tell me that these are not authentic Hollywood meal ingredients.

I'm not going to get any more specific than that. See this movie for yourself. See most of Jack Black's butt for yourself.

(I can't explain why I liked it, but I honestly did.)

Our Idiot Brother

I gave Our Idiot Brother a shot because the cast is great. What I can't understand is why the cast is great. The script is absolutely pedestrian. I successfully predicted the entire plot and every character arc within minutes of each character's introduction, so the dramatic elements don't really work, and nobody is written to be very funny. I can't recommend this movie to anyone, but good on the funny and likeable ensemble for taking something that might have been painful to endure and making it perfectly watchable.

The Adventures of Pluto Nash

Pluto Nash has a reputation. It's one of the biggest box-office bombs of all time, and the critical reception would have you believe that's with good reason.

I was expecting a disaster.

The Adventures of Pluto Nash isn't a disaster. It's a high-concept comedy without any jokes or fresh ideas. It's an adventure without excitement. I found it oddly likeable, though, and I was never bored.

It does have problems. I'm not a big fan of the way women are treated, for instance. The robots are more human than the women, and the women robots are just there to let you peek below their dresses. Oof.

But it's not much more egregious than what you'd see in other comedies of the time. That's not an excuse; I'm just saying casual misogyny doesn't explain the reputation.

Actually, despite coming out in 2002, Pluto Nash has serious '90s vibes. The needlessly detailed moon city sets remind me of Total Recall's Mars and Super Mario Bros.: The Movie's Dinohattan. I don't know why anybody approved a $100 million budget for a movie that still didn't have a coherent script after nearly 20 years in development, but I got Dinohattan-esque moon city out of it, and I am not complaining.

I expected something either unbearable or laughable, but Pluto Nash is actually pretty harmless and even a bit likeable. I don't recommend it, but I will now bristle just a little every time I hear it invoked as a punchline.

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Brewster’s Millions

Brewster Brewsterson has inherited more rules than he can comprehend. The Brew Boys spend millions of minutes explaining the rules, but they still don’t make any sense. Brewster is obviously going to win, and he does. An engaged woman who works for him, and who doesn’t like him, is suddenly in love with him at the end because it’s a movie. Nothing matters. John Candy is there when the movie remembers that he’s part of the cast, even though he doesn’t really play a character and he doesn’t have anything to do. Richard Pryor looks like a man who is doing his best not to think about how difficult Richard Pryor’s life was in the mid-‘80s. I didn’t laugh a single time, but there a lot of these people are likeable and there’s a frenetic energy to everything that’s pretty fun.

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