Sometimes I get high, watch the time pass by like...away we go. Is it ok to cry when you're dying inside? Seems like codeine is the one thing that helps to take my mind from the lies.

Why am I fighting to live, if I'm just living to fight? Why am I trying to see, when there ain't nothing in sight? Why am I trying to give, when no one gives me a try? Why am I dying to live, if I'm just living to die?

Hmm.

When are people going to realize that of all stereotypes, gender stereotypes are probably the least accurate? I find it more and more odd when I read things that people write about Men or Women exclusively as a gender. I feel like I’ve had enough life and life experiences that I can see above these things. My eyes open to things more and more each day and each time I get to know a new person, male or female, I learn something new. Something that can’t be attributed to sex organs. I almost feel that I’m at the point that I know someone (multiple people) to break every gender stereotype that exists.

There are good and bad ones in both. There are men that are complete pieces of garbage that are physically and mentally abusive, men that are cheaters and liars, men that wont work and don’t have a future, etc. But there are also women that embody those same qualities. There are women that are loving and caring, faithful and loyal, supportive, and hard working and driven. There are also men that can be described as the same. There are women that aren’t overly emotional and demonstrative in that regard despite what people tend to suggest. There are men that ARE very emotionally demonstrative. Guys are known to be distant and more likely to be promiscuous and shy away from commitment. Girls are known to be clingy and incapable of having unattached sexual relations. Neither of those things are attached to gender. Just like everything that I’ve listed--they are attached to individuals. This is a very small sample and I’m really only covering a tiny portion of relationship stereotypes.

These are not things that I’m writing as speculation or to be politically correct to try to break down barriers. Anyone that knows me that I despise political correct-ness. These are things that I’m writing out of life experience. Communicating, interacting and engaging with other humans of both sexes and creating interpersonal relationships of different types with these people and also examining their interpersonal relationships with others. Gender doesn’t define a person’s character or how they treat and relate to others. It’s really silly to think you can label people that way. And I’m only making this post because I DO find that most of the time, stereotypes are accurate and that’s why people get upset about them. People seem to be extremely biased according their particular gender.

On Saturday, I opened up spring turkey season. On the way to the crest of that hill and onward, I stopped to check the times of travel, when I heard first gobble and just generally taking mental notes. When I got to the top, I found a place I wanted to setup about 200 yards from where the birds were roosting. I set everything up the way I wanted. One thing was missing--my phone was nowhere to be found. At some point I attempted to slip it into my pocket and missed due to the dark and the anxiety of seeing what was in store. All morning as I tried to make moves and out think the birds, I had been planning on chasing for months...my iPhone was in the back of my mind. I knew it was somewhere along my 3/4 mile trek from vehicle to first setup. Strangely, even though it never really left my mind, I was never worried that I wouldn't find my 4"x 2" connection to the world. I had been here before. If the best outdoorsman I had ever known had faith in me, why wouldn't I have faith in myself? Flashback to February 26th, 2012 at roughly 11:30pm. I know this because of a time stamp of a video on my phone from the adventure. My Pappaw and I were hunting Area 14 on Fort Knox for Raccoon. It was our first time using his new Garmin Astro 320 tracking unit that we had been learning for the last few weeks. Very nice, thorough and very expensive piece of electronics. The dog gets treed at 1950ft (Nearly 1/2 mile) from where we're parked and Pappaw sends me in after her. The unit has a lot of features, including one that will cause the receiver to beep constantly if you're in close proximity to the collar. So it wasn't long after getting her off of the tree that I turned the receiver off on my way back to the truck. The beeps were driving me crazy. So of course, it fell out of my pocket. I noticed right before I got back to the truck. I panicked. Pappaw is not the type of person you enjoy giving bad news. I just told him immediately that I had lost it and not only had I lost it, but it was turned off. I told him I'd sell my new Glock 23 and replace the unit. He was completely calm. He said nah, don't worry about it, we'll find it tomorrow. He asked probing questions about whereabouts she was and what routes I had taken. I crossed about 4 different types of terrains over a half mile stretch. I had zero confidence that it'd be found. Tomorrow came and we loaded up his four-wheeler and headed to area 14. He unloaded his four-wheeler and took off in the direction that I had described. I took off on foot, I finally reached the place she was treed after about 15 minutes. I was impressed with myself for getting back there with ease since I had only seen the place once and it was dark until I looked over and he was already leaning against the exact tree she was on. And he made it there not by memory, but by the details I had given. I was no longer impressed with myself. I started working my way backwards and scanning an area that I remembered having it last. Wasn't there. Moved forward a little ways and looked down. What do ya know? There it laid. I picked it up and yelled "found it!" That was low key one of the happiest and proudest moments of my life. He said "What did I tell you? Have faith in yourself, son. You're a hell of a woodsman." Snap back to April 18th, 2015. It's been almost 8 months since he's been gone. On my way out of the woods, I was confident that I wouldn't be buying a new phone today. A little over a 1/4 mile of my route back down the hill and there she was. Laying in between two rows of wheat. I trusted in myself and never panicked and lost focus because the best woodsman I had ever known told me that I was a worthy one as well. This meant a lot to me. He was right. It's all I thought about off and on for the rest of the day.

5 days until one of my favorite days of the year. 😊

While patterning my guns with new turkey loads today, my cousin took a further step in his education. He didn't just ask to turkey hunt with me, he asked me to teach him to call in birds on his own. Made me so proud. I think he's following in the footsteps I've laid down, I think. I've called in turkeys for him and now he wants to get even more involved. There's probably no one I'd rather teach and no one he'd rather learn from. That's a pretty good combination. He's more confident in me than I am in myself, which says a lot because I know I'm a turkey hunting son of a gun. 😏 He fed my ego quite well complimenting my abilities this afternoon. Lol.

See you guys soon...

The days get longer and the nights smell green. I guess it's not surprising but it's spring and I should leave. I like songs about drifters - books about the same. They both seem to make me feel a little less insane. Walked on off to another spot. I still haven't gotten anywhere that I want. Did I want love? Did I need to know? Why does it always feel like I'm caught in an undertow?