hey do you guys wanna see a bunch of pictures of a cat my mum looked after named simply “The Pumpkin”

THE PUMPKIN!!!

rip santa.

Working in Retail in under 3 minutes

i had to watch this like 5 times because of no captions but lmao if someone makes a transcript for this it would be bomb

transcript: “So we have these Santas at work, right, okay? We have black and we have white Santas. And they’re like creepy, five-foot tall, lifelike animatronic… like, Santas that hold plates of cookies and milk, and they kinda look like they could wake up and come to life and murder you in your sleep– and they don’t include batteries, but we have these Santas. Like nothing screams ‘festive holiday cheer’ like a big, hulking Santa. Um. Nothin’ will jingle your jangles more. So, um, this woman comes in and she’s like, “Do you have these?” and I’m like, “Oh my god, yeah!” So a couple weeks ago we sold out of our white Santas, and we are down to like, three black Santas. And so, I take her to the aisle, I show her the Santas, and the first thing out of her mouth is, “I’m not racist, but…” and I’m like, well, I can’t– I’m not in the position to decide if you are or not, but if like– if I could use context clues and infer, uh, I would say maybe that you might be. And three, we’re talking about Santa. Like– (stuttering) did we switch subjects? And so, um, I’m in like, I– the next thing that pops out of her mouth is like, “This is not right.” and I’m like, okay, I’m sorry, but this is what the picture was. And she’s like, “No. Santa is white.” And I’m like, oh no, okay. Okay. So I’m in– I’m about to tell her, I’m like, mid-sentence, like, “I’m sorry, do you want me to go call another store, do you need me to, like, write you a raincheck just in case we we get any more.” And she’s like, “This is wrong, I want them taken down.” She interrupts me, says that, and I’m like, (pause). I like, look around, and I’m like, is she talking to me? Is this, like, my own, like, personal hell? But like, of course it is. So, um, I’m like, “I can’t take these Santas down.” And she’s like, “Why not?!” And I’m like, “You either have to buy them, or take them down yourself.” And that was like, the stupidest thing I could have ever said, because– (sighs) she takes this bag, with like, Jesus’s face, like, slammed right in the middle as a design– it’s big– she takes it off her shoulder, and starts beating these black Santas! She starts beating these Santas down, they were like, falling down… and I’m like, oh my god! What– what is happening? So like, I step in the middle of her and these Santas and I’m like, “Ma’am, ma’am, you need to leave, you need to stop, or I’m going to have to call someone.” So she like, stops, and she’s like, beet red, and like, huffin’ and puffin’, and she like, looks at me and I can tell she’s just trying to get like, a one-liner in, and she’s like, “The Santa I know is white.” And then she walks away. And I’m like, well– I’m processing what’s happening, while also thinking, like, the Santa you know? Santa’s not real. So unless you’re using an ouija board to contact good old Kris Kringle, um, from like, B.C. or whenever, I’m like, that’s pretty impressive, but how ya doin’ that. And, um, I– the last thought that ran through my mind is that, I’m like, I would hate to be in the room with her when she finds out that Jesus is not white.”

This is the greatest two seconds of my day.

this is the greatest two seconds the world will ever see

so a few days ago i sat down for dinner and my mom handed me the camera with a strange look on her face. all she said was “you need to see this” and i was like ?? okay

but then

that is my dad with a pigeon on his head.

SO OF COURSE MY REACTION WAS JUST “WHAT?! HOW??? HOW” and APPARENTLY when my dad was outside gardening, he saw it land on the roof of our house. and then it just. flew down. and landed on his head

BUT NOW IT WON’T LEAVE

like the other morning i stepped outside to call my dad in for lunch and the pigeon was just sitting on the front porch watching him work

best friends forever

as soon as the clock strikes midnight on june 1st

Tumblr 2015 in a nutshell (so far)

Me, on a date: “So, what are your thoughts on the dress?”

My date: “Actually, I came here to audition for the role of Pluto and I will be singin-”

Me, immediately shoving breadsticks into purse: “I’m sorry I have to go home immediately…”

My date: Okay… That sounds fake but okay.

Me, gorging breadsticks into my mouth as I head out of the door: “Ugh these breadsticks are a beautiful cinnamon roll too good for this world, too pure…”

By Fallout Boy

Throw a list of the Zodiac signs as breadsticks in there and it will be 100% complete.

Me: This year I lost my best friend

Them: Quit telling people I’m- JOHN CENA

gun

This post will only appear once in 20000 posts. It is a very rare post. If you reblog in the next 20 seconds good fortune will come your way

I’m always a slut for these memes.

Me: *scrolling down dash* My Brain: Reblog this post Me: Why? My Brain: You gotta

Psychic: *Reads my mind*

my mind: HELLO FROM TH-

Psychic: OUTSIDE

*Hotline Bling plays in the distance* 

Me.

concept: this post finally dying in 2016.

love doing a face mask to pretend i have my life together

i'm what the kids call

really exhausted. I’m so tired.

The reality of Instagram Modeling

This is important.

I mean also just a handy guide

Valuable insight into how perception can be altered simply by the angle and position of the body.

Discover The Proven Secrets Of Pro Trainers In Achieving Massive Muscle Growth, Quickly &Easily.

Reality vs forced perception. Remember that what you see isn’t always how things always are.

I am Really Bad at selfies and this makes me feel a lot better. When I was in Hawaii I made friends with a girl who is really into photography (travel and student life mostly), and she had AMAZING photos. I was always astounded at how we took the same hike but her photos were always jaw-dropping while mine were trash-worthy. It wasn’t until I saw how many photos she took, how long she spent editing, and how critically she was evaluating everything in the frame that I realized why.

It’s a skill, and it’s also a rose-colored filter. Simultaneously real and genuine while also not necessarily accurate.

This place is simply infested with flying squirrels today! Cute af though. #aerialsilks #aerialogy #aerialfun

I am so ready for the first of Halloween.

Give a ghost the right pair of shoes and they’ll conquer the world.

Super hot where I am today, so have a summer spook.

Send me pics of your ghost costumes :> 

Why is everyone into dom ghosts…?

They’re single and ready to mingle~

if I ever reblog a long as shit post, it’s this

sorry

notreally

It’s ONLY October 1st and already y’all are reblogging the weird shit!!???

This is the longest set of cursed images I’ve ever seen

I have one of these!

This is precious and exactly what we all need.

I’d like to give a very big fuck you to anyone who talks badly about janitors, trashmen, maids, house cleaners,ect.

All our generation wants is a small apartment and a spouse that loves them back.

Yuzuru Hanyu on Ice vs. off Ice

I’ve been watching this for 10 minutes and it still doesn’t stop being funny