i have to figure out why the link malachi’s desc won’t work, but i’ve completely rewritten my guidelines. they’re significantly shorter because i’m just tired of being That Guy. but you can check them out through a link that actually works here.

Sorry about the back and forth! I’m currently working on putting together a central hub for guidelines and about pages for all of my blogs so that I don’t have to continuously keep up aesthetic appearances. They’re still deep under construction, but check them out as I go HERE.

• “  I can’t be mad, I’m on way too many painkillers. ”
• “  What an idiot I was! And by “I”, I meant “you”!  ”
• “  Thanks to you, I went on a soul-searching journey.  ”
• “  How can I be so bad at everything I try, and still be so great?  ”
• “  These things are not weaknesses. They make me what I am.  ”
• “  You’re always gettin’ frozen in stuff. It’s your thing, man!  ”
• “  Just wait ‘til I get my hands on those healthy purple berries! ”
• “  But what are those aliens tryin’ to ask us? What do the tones mean?  ”
• “  What’s the point? What good is it to talk to her in my own dream? ”
• “  I’ve dreamed about you a lot since you disappeared.  ”
• “  Have you been using my toothbrush to polish your ass again?! ”
• “  There’s so much I need to say. Is it really you?  ”
• “  It’s time we solved this problem the old-fashioned way. By shooting it. ”
• “  To see if you’re the real [name], I’m gonna ask you something only he would know.  ”
• “  You’ve accomplished so much more than most of us would bother to.  ”
• “  I’m dying to know how you got here. Was it a time machine?  ”
• “  I’m no medical expert, but I think you be showing some serious signs of 'illin.  ”
• “  May I buy you a drink? We don’t get a lot of pretty faces around here. ”
• “  You can’t sit on something for a week without falling in love with it.  ”
• “  You can’t just kill somebody because they’re ugly and corrosive. ”
• “  Don’t you ever wonder about the future?  ”
• “  You think you can just waltz in here with no pants and become a cop?  ”
• “  I’m as sad as an upside-down smile.  ”
• “  I guess we’ll have to deliver that human heart tomorrow. ”
• “  We have nothing to fear but running out of beer.  ”
• “  The only things they did better than us were suck and die.  ”
• “  Why am I sticky and naked? Did I miss something fun? ”
• “  You’ve fallen into the final debilitating stages of womanhood.  ”
• “  Something tells me I could easily beat those trained professionals… ”
• “  This outfit makes me look fat. Is it trampy to go on a first date nude?  ”
• “  Now, now. Perfectly symmetrical violence never solved anything.  ”
• “  With a warning label this big, you know they gotta be fun!  ”
• “  Why don’t you smoke it already? Puff, puff, go, go, go, go, go!  ”
• “  I videotape every customer that comes in here, so that I may blackmail them later.  ”
• “  Hey, I’m a porno-dealing monster. What do I care what you think?  ”
• “  Is this really happening or just being staged? ”
• “  I will marry her now and confine her to hell!  ”
• “  I know whose funeral we’ll be attending next!   ”
• “  Call it a hunch but I’ve got a bad feeling about this. “
• “  Whoa, you look better than you used to for some reason. ”
• “  Instead of shooting where I was, you should have shot where I was going to be.  ”
• “  Haven’t I seen you in some copyrighted movie?  ”
• “  Not a day goes by I don’t ask myself the same question. ”
• “  What?! Don’t ever, ever say or think that again! ”
• “  You can’t give up hope just because it is hopeless!  ”
• “  So do you know I’m going to do something before I do it? ”
• “  How am I supposed to hear prayers coming out of my ass? ”
• “  There are two kinds of people: sheep and sharks. ”
• “  A casino where I always win. That’s boring. I must really be… in Hell!  ”
• “  So there really is an infinite number of universes?  ”
• “  Now that’s a wave of destruction that’s easy on the eyes!  ”
• “ The wall of that strip club isn’t going to collapse twice in one day. ”
• “  Aww, you knew my favorite cause of death. ”
• “  Get lost! I’d say don’t quit your day job, but you’re awful at that too! ”
• “  I think when people obsess about the past it’s because they’re afraid of the future. ”
• “  You’ve convinced me life is worth living… by showing me how bad my funeral will suck! ”
• “  Man, we look stupid. We should’ve gotten store-bought costumes.  ”
• “  I don’t want to be rescued. ”
• “  I could if you hadn’t turned on the light and shut off my stereo. ”
• “  I finally found what I need to be happy and it’s not friends, it’s things. “
• “  So, none of you have ever had anchovies? ”
• “  Do you have any idea what the average length of their reigns was? ”
• “  I knew you wouldn’t have asked unless it was really high or really low.  ”
• “  You’re a pimple on society’s ass and you’ll never amount to anything! ”
• “  Now that you mention it, I do have trouble breathing underwater sometimes. ”
• “  I wouldn’t talk about taste if I was wearing a lime green tank top. ”
• “  We all laughed so hard our teeth fell out. ”
• “  I’ll never be too good or too evil again. From now on, I’ll just be me. ”
• “  Do you think you could survive a seven-hundred foot fall?  ”
• “  But this electricity abuse crossed the line. You almost killed us. ”

Insp

• “Just hit a fire hydrant, but I survived. #unbreakable”
• “Can I help you move? I’m really good at it! Afterwards I can take the cardboard boxes and use it for breakdancing.”
• “I can’t use my GPS, but I figured it out. I just drove around in circles until I saw something familiar.”
• “Anything that can be penis shaped, will be penis shaped!”
• “You look like Encyclopedia Brown.”
• “As your self-appointed emotional guardian, it is my duty to love and support you.”
• “The original title of this was: A Lively Fisting.”
• “I really like you, and I was wondering if you wanted to get a cup of coffee sometime.”
• “IF you had gone to Hogwarts Academy, which house do you think you’d be in?”
• “I really need this party to go well, which is why I’m stress eating gummy penises.”
• “Well, four years of work down the drain and I have a penis on my head.”
• “I hate doing work, but I love being flattered. So maybe I’ll give it another try.”
• “Please put your pants back on.”
• “ Love? Love fades away. But things … Things are forever.”
• “What I hear when I’m being yelled at is people caring loudly at me.”
• “We’re just friends. He’s like the gayest person I’ve ever met, but I make out with him when I’m drunk sometimes.”
• “Earlier, I was licking icing off of my finger and boom, I swallowed my wedding ring.”
• “One time I accidentally drank an entire bottle of vinegar. I thought it was terrible wine.”
• “Oh, one time I rode in a sidecar on a guy’s motorcycle, and the sidecar detached and went down a flight of stairs.”
• “ I AM NOT CRYING, OK? I’M ALLERGIC TO JERKS!”
• “That looks like something you would find on the wall of a serial killer.”
• “ I have never taken the high road. But I tell other people to ‘cause then there’s more room for me on the low road.”
• “I want to punch you in the face so bad right now.”
• “I’d like to say something. You are a wonderful person. Your friendship means a lot to me. And you look very beautiful.”
• “But think how much better our friendship would be if we added…doin’ it.”
• “I just opened a can of whoop ass on myself!”
• “Your/My nickname around the office is Softypants Mchuggable.”
• “Let’s cut the bull, alright? You want this. I definitely want this. T.H. wants this. Let’s seal this devil’s threeway right here, right now.”
• “We should sue their parents for spawning a human turd burger.”
• “I cannot emphasize enough how little I was thinking.”
• “Don’t teach a man to fish, and you feed yourself. He’s a grown man. Fishing’s not that hard.”
• “Scientists believe that the first human being who will live 150 years has already been born. I believe I am that human being.”
• “I typed in your symptoms here and it says you might have… network connectivity problems.”
• “One time I was dating this guy for a while, and then he got down on one knee and he begged me never to call him again.”
• “ I call noodles long-ass rice. Chicken parm is chicky chicky parm parm. I call eggs pre-birds, or future birds. Root beer is super water. Tortillas are bean blankies. And I call forks…food rakes.”
• “I feel great. I ran 5K this morning. No, no I didn’t. I threw up in the shower.”
• “When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. I read that one on a can of lemonade. I like to think it applies to life.”
• “Catching the number 12 bus to Satan’s butthole?”
• “Normally, if given a choice between doing something and nothing, I’d choose to do nothing. But I will do something if it helps someone else do nothing. I’d work all night if it meant nothing got done.”
• “One time my refrigerator stopped working and I had no idea what do to! I just moved.”