Bats in the Belfry

4/6/24 1:52am

“When?”

Have you ever hit that point in your life that you realize it’s going to get worse before it gets better? That is, IF it ever gets better. That point where the only thing you know anymore is survival and you’re just not sure that you want to anymore? Realized you’re a failure in everything so what’s the point in “seeking attention” by attempting suicide. Because you know that you’ll just fail at that too and have to face the world and all the whispers. Realize that once you try to end it that you’ll be unsuccessful and constantly walk into silent rooms that were just filled with chatter. What happens when you finally hit that point? Are you fooling yourself by thinking it will actually get better? That’s what everyone says. “It gets better. It WILL get better.” I’ve been telling myself that for most of my life and there are fleeting moments when a normal, happy life doesn’t feel so unattainable. More often than not I find myself in a room full of people slipping into a fantasy of not having to face the next day and that days catastrophe that awaits. But then I realize that I’m just not that lucky. You see, IF I were to try again I’d just fail like the last 17 times. Each time with more damage and another piece of my soul lost…. They say “It gets better.” I’d just like to know when….

“Step one, you say we need to talk.

He walks, you say sit down, it's just a talk.

He smiles politely back at you.

You stare politely right on through…

Some sort of window to your right.

As he goes left, and you stay right…

Between the lines of fear and blame.

You begin to wonder why you came?

Let him know that you know best.

Cause after all, you do know best.

Try to slip past his defense,

Without granting innocence.

Lay down a list of what is wrong.

The things you've told him all along…

And pray to God he hears you.

And I pray to God he hears you!

As he begins to raise his voice,

You lower yours and grant him one last choice.

Drive until you lose the road,

Or break with the ones you've followed.

He will do one of two things:

He will admit to everything.

Or he'll say he's just not the same….

And you'll begin to wonder why you came?!

Where did I go wrong?

I lost a friend.

Somewhere along in the bitterness.

And I would have stayed up with you all night…

Had I known how to save a life.”

-the fray

It's my 8 year anniversary on Tumblr 🥳

I don’t write poem’s anymore because I have no time alone…

And the time alone I do get, I spend enjoying the peace.

I don’t write poems anymore because I’m not allowed to feel.

My feelings are mean, no matter how true they are and how compassionate they are presented.

I don’t write poems anymore because if I can’t have friends how am I supposed to write about how I feel and share it?

I don’t write poems anymore…

I don’t write poems anymore.

9/10/23 2:27am

Never me…It’s never me…

I pick up my pieces and I rebuild what was broken Time and time again.

I get into what seems to be a healthy relationship and then when I let my guard down it’s not healthy anymore.

I start handing those pieces out again to fill in the pieces of them that is broken and when they are complete they find that I’m too broken…and they leave.

No one has ever reached out their hand to pull me out of the hole I dug myself into trying to save them.

They just take their complete pieces, look down on and talk to me with disgust and walk out.

Why am I not good enough for anyone to help me out of the dark?

And the more important question is…now that I recognize this, how do I not only find and put my pieces back together but also keep myself from giving them away again?

Emptiness and loneliness have a similar ache. They look different but that dark sticky sludge that surrounds you is ever so familiar. In one you’re running down a never ending hallway and the other you’re standing in place. Regardless of where you are, it always catches up to you. It always finds you. AJF