i bet that mario and luigi dont get pussy

And? Do you?

we’re not talking about me right now

today i hung out w my 15 y/o brothers girlfriend and i jokingly was like “tell me embarrassing stuff about him” and she was like “ok. he has a piss kink” and was 100% serious and i almost crashed the fucking car

me???? all i know is mcdonalds, be bisexual, eat hot chip, charge my phone, and lie

i had to take matters into my own hands

This is it. Smash belongs to the gays

i literally cannot waittttttttttttt!

ppl are so annoying “you can’t paint ur bedroom pink you’re an adult” i did not spend my entire life waiting to grow up and control my life to paint my bedroom beige

when you have receipts

Constipated people are so full of shit

first day of college in media: “Please open up your textbooks to chapter three because I expect you to have already read the first two chapters in preparation for starting this class”

first day of college in reality: “We’re going to spend the next hour slowly and thoroughly going over every page of the syllabus because I strongly suspect at least half of you assholes don’t actually know how to read”

me yelling “lets GO lesbians” but following me are a bunch of calico kittens

just discovered a neat trick. if you make brownies but dont cut them, you can eat the whole slab and say you only ate 1 brownie

do not do this

“Not all men” you’re right, the fab 5 would never treat me like this.

i can’t believe i haven’t seen this yet