no one keeps a secret

this is my religion.

{Text: Kitten} Ah no, but they are in dead languages, which may as well be the same thing. -J

{Text: Kitten} No, we’ll wait until you’ve read a bit more before I spring Shakespeare on you. Though some of his sonnets are nice. -J

{Text: Kitten} Who, Machiavelli? No, far from it. Some of his ideas might not have been…. agreeable, but he was a fairly intelligent, albeit opinionated, person. -J

[Text: Jamie] Dragon language.  I'm tellin' you

[Text: Jamie] Hey I can read Shakespeare.  I just don't understand it.  I like the boos that have like the English translation on the other side, those are cool

[Text: Jamie] Oh.  Well his name sounds like a bond villain, and he seemed to be like...okay with being a dick.  I dunno.  Maybe it was different at the time though, I mean shit was real back then

{Text: Kitten} Of course there wasn’t a dragon. I’d have to dig out my fables for that, and you probably couldn’t read those. -J

{Text: Kitten} Well educating you had been the point of the whole thing. -J

{Text: Kitten} What were you expecting? -J

[Text: Jamie] Why?  Are they like in dragon language?

[Text: Jamie] I dunno actually.  Something along the lines of like...Hamlet or something was really the first thing that popped into my head.  Which is odd, 'cause I didn't really read Hamlet.

[Text: Jamie] So what was up with that writer guy?  Was he like a total dick or did I read the book wrong?

[Text: Jamie] Well there wasn't a dragon

[Text: Jamie] I mean there really could have been, how awesome right?

[Text: Jamie] It wasn't what I expected, but it was good.  A lot more educational than I thought it would be

"Uh...I feel like there's something I forgot..."

"I needed you, Gabe. I wanted you. You gave me the one thing that I’d been traveling the world searching for. And there won’t be another person after you; I’ve traveled this road twice, to reach this same end. I’m not doing it anymore. I thought - I thought we could make it work, and if we can’t, I’m not going to let my expectations fall so low for whoever comes next. It would be unfair to them. So rest assured in the knowledge that you’ll be my last. For all the shit that we’ve gone through, I could never replace you. 

I - I implore you to seek help, from someone that might be more successful than I could have been. But if you’ve set your mind on things, then… may fate guide your way. Perhaps.. Perhaps we’ll meet again in a different life, where things aren’t so complicated.”

"The problem was you were what I wanted what I needed, but I wasn't what you needed.  You wanted to need me, but you didn't.  You could have someone much better than me.  You deserve it.  Y'know...I thought we were actually getting somewhere.  I thought we could make it work.  But I'm just...I'm too much of a mess and I don't have the strength to pick myself up this time.  It was wrong of me to expect you to do it.

There's no point in seeking help; it's a waste of time and energy.  I don't believe in different lives and all of that.  Hell, I don't believe in anything.  But I guess I'll find out sooner or later.

I, uh...well...I'm sorry.  I need to go.  I just...can't be here.  I'm sorry.  Goodbye, Jamie..."

"How about the fact that living in the city suffocates me, but at the first sign of me leaving you completely blew up and turned it all around on you, because apparently you’re worthless and I must not be able to handle the city because of you. And what about my need to leave on impromptu vacations? I need those like I need air, and you basically said I either had to stop or we were done. I chose you . I chose to give up leaving for three or four days every month to maintain my sanity because I was afraid you were going to leave if I didn’t. You said you wanted stability. I stopped doing my job, I stopped everything because you wanted something stable, and how do you repay me? By nearly fucking killing yourself. Oh sure, that’s really caring.

This is not addiction. This is obsession. Addiction is something to work with. Obsession can’t be cured. And you can’t be cured, because I have been trying and trying and trying and you just don’t care. And I am not the right person to be handling this. I’ve tried to see you through, I have tried to be there to make sure everything was okay, but I will not do it anymore. Yeah, I’ve had worse shit happen in my life than you will ever deal with, worse shit than you could ever even read about, oh but wait, you refuse to even read because that’s too much effort, so never mind there. It’s not like I own a fucking bookshop. It’s not like you care about my work. It’s almost like we have nothing in common. 

I told you. I told you at the beginning this would never work. I told you I couldn’t do it, that we would get bored of each other, that we’d fuck it up, that we weren’t meant to be, and this is why. We’re not compatible. We gave it a shot, and it was a high, and now we’re crashing down. We’re not compatible, and it turns out we really were just a passing thing. And you know what? I’m beginning to wonder if any of this was worth it at all. All we do is fight and fight and wonder if the other is going to leave or try and kill himself so really, this is a welcome end.”

"You...you're right.  You're completely right, Jamie.  And...and I'm sorry.  There's nothing good about me.  I'm not something that can be fixed.  You're right.  Like always.  I've just...I've been selfish.  I did care about you and your work and your interests.  I really did, but...I guess I didn't show it enough.  You don't need me.  You never did.  I needed you, and I drained you, and I'm just...I'm just circling down.  It was inevitable.  

So leave.  Go where you need to go.  Find someone who can actually make you happy.  Thanks for um...for reminding me how broken I am.  So...so yeah.  Take care.  And...and all that..."

"You’re right. It’s my fault. I’m selfish. I don’t know how to love, or to care, or how to touch things without breaking them. I’m a Moriarty - and on top of that, I’m the mistake. The one nobody wanted. So maybe I don’t get close to people because I’ve never known how. So maybe I keep people at a distance because everyone I’ve ever started to like has been killed. Yeah, I’m a poisonous, sarcastic asshole who’s only method of communication is attacking other people’s insecurities. It’s a poor line of defense to call that a method of protecting myself, when it’s really the result of growing up and realizing that I’m trying so hard to live in a world where nobody gives a shit.

If it’s selfish that I wanted desperately to find just one person to care about with every bit of the worthless, destructive piece of chaos that I am, then so be it. If it’s selfish to have done everything in my power to change who I am, to give up my life in ways you can’t even fathom, just so I could be the person you needed, then so be it. And if it was selfish that I asked you to give up the habits that were causing you harm because I thought I had finally found someone to love and I wanted them to be around for awhile, then I’m selfish. But selfish or not, I tried for you. I tried. And you never once proved you were capable of doing the same in return. And now, all the time and effort I’ve put into you, into making this work, into showing that I’m not the soulless, sociopathic person that my brother would like me to be, has been turned upside because you can’t be bothered to accept that maybe you didn’t want to change as much as I did.”

"You have got to be fucking kidding me, Jamie.  You don't see at all how much I've changed for you?  Because of you?  You have done so much to make me a better person, I've changed a fucking ton of shit to try and make us work, but you don't see it at all.  You choose to ignore anything I've done and instead you focused on the shit I didn't do.  You act like having an addiction is something I can give up without a problem if that's what I want, but you didn't try to get me through it.  You made me feel like shit over it, and so what am I going to do?  Fucking drink some more.

I admit that it's a problem and I never wanted to admit that.  I admit it for you because you meant that fucking much to me.  But you attack me when I fuck up instead of honestly trying to help.  You make me feel like shit because of the choices I've made.  You one-up me every time I bring up a problem and invalidate my feelings because I haven't suffered enough.  Something's shit in my life?  Well you've fucking had it worse so I should just shut the fuck up because my feelings don't matter.

You said it yourself I'm not important.  You took something that is tearing me apart and made it solely about you.  Everything is about you Jamie, and a lot of times I've let it slide because I have changed.  You've hurt me or made me feel bad and I didn't say a word because it wasn't worth it.  But no, tell me how I don't care enough.  Just go ahead and try to tell me I didn't care enough go right a-fucking-head and do it, I fucking dare you."

"Well thank you, Jamie.  Thank you for making me feel insignificant.  Thank you for showing me that I never mattered.  Do what you want, ‘cause you’re not gonna see me again.  I just….I don’t care.  I’m tired of this.  So…goodbye."

"If that’s what you… If that’s what you think best. We now have proof that my concern for you isn’t enough so… I’m not going to try. I just wanted you to be happy and healthy and since I wasn’t enough to do that, I hope whatever solution you find is… satisfying."

"Satisfying...yeah.  That's nice.  I thought you did make me happy.  I thought maybe I finally found something, but every fucking time I let it happen, everything goes to hell.  I can't do it anymore.  You were the last thing I had keeping me going, but you just hurt me.  I really fucked up because I didn't listen to you, but what happened wasn't my fault.  But that's not important, because why should you worry about how I feel?  It's always about you.  You're selfish.  It's easier to throw me away than deal with it.  I don't matter enough to you for you to deal with it.  If you really wanted me to be happy and healthy, you would have been there for me.  I would do anything to take back my poor decisions, but I'm a habitual fuck up and shit's gonna happen.  But you know, whatever.  At least I know you don't give a fuck."

"I wish I could forget it. It would make this so much easier. I don’t want to leave you, Gabe. But I’ve had too many betrayals in my life and… and I think, since they keep happening every time I try to make my life better, that maybe the world is trying to tell me something. In all honesty, what I’m going to end up doing will likely get me killed, so thank you for this time anyway. I only wish I could have been enough."

"Well thank you, Jamie.  Thank you for making me feel insignificant.  Thank you for showing me that I never mattered.  Do what you want, 'cause you're not gonna see me again.  I just....I don't care.  I'm tired of this.  So...goodbye."

"I just can’t… Look on the bright side. When Jimmy finds out, you’ll probably get a promotion."

"...No.  No, forget it.  Just...fucking forget it all.  I'm done with him.  You're done with me.  That's fine.  I hope whatever you end up doing makes you really fucking happy, 'cause you at least deserve that."

"You’ve apologized, Gabe. And I forgive you. Mistakes happen. Shit happens, I get it. But I can’t be with you anymore. And that’s nobody’s fault but mine."

"You can't be serious.  Why not?  I'm not good enough for you anymore?  You don't trust me anymore?  I can't just accept that."

"…. This was a mistake. This whole thing was a mistake. I am very sorry for wasting your time and - Ah, nope. That’s all I’ve got."

"So...so it's just my fault then.  That's it?  I don't know what else you want me to say, I've told you everything.  I thought you'd at least understand...or...or care.  But I mean it's great that you think I just went off and fucked your brother 'cause I wanted to.  And that I couldn't possibly be fucking hurt or upset by what happened.  I'm not important in this, it's not about me.  I should have been more careful, right?  Should have thought about what might happen when I was drinking, because you warned me. 'Cause it's that fucking easy, not like there's anything wrong with me.  I could just get rid of all my fucking issues if I wanted to.  It's all my fault, why am I surprised?"

“You don’t know what to do? You don’t - are you kidding? Stop thinking about you and what you did and what you should do and how this affects you, for fuck’s sake, you’re not the important one here. Because I am standing on a very thin line between walking away right now, and giving you another few minutes to convince me why I shouldn’t.”

"You...you don't think I deserve to think about myself?  I never wanted to sleep with him!  I never wanted him to touch me and...god, Jamie!  I only agreed because I was so drunk I couldn't say no.  And I didn't even really agree.  I think I have some right to be fucking upset!  And I'm fucking worried as hell that you're just gonna take off, but I didn't do this on purpose!  How could you....how could you just dismiss what I'm feeling and tell me that because you're pissed?  I didn't cheat on you!  Don't do this to me, Jamie, just don't fucking do this, because I need you right now and if you just walk away I don't know what I'm gonna do."

"Sorry. Yeah… Me too." 

"I know how stupid I was to drink like that, but I can’t help myself.  You think I can just turn it off because I want to?  I have a fucking problem, and you know that.  But he still took advantage of me.  He pushed all of the right buttons until I didn’t know what was going on and I gave in.  You don’t think I wanted to sleep with him, do you…?"

"I don’t know. I don’t know what to think. I want to blame Jim. But I - I don’t know anymore."

"I'm partially at fault for letting myself get so fucking drunk, I know that, but he contributed to that.  I was vulnerable, and I made bad decisions, and I let my guard down.  You can blame me for getting drunk again, and I'm sorry...but blame him for everything else.  I would never do that to you, Jamie.  You mean everything to me.  But I can't stop shaking and I feel like I'm gonna be sick, I don't know what to do."