equusmaritima

feeling real and true anxiety for the first time in a while and wow i always forget how bad this feeling is now that i dont experience it very often but no wonder my life used to be terrible feeling like this all the time would be torture

I am so lonely lately. I know this is partially a prison of my own making but that doesn’t make it feel any less suck. Wish i had made more connections and been better at nurturing them and wasn’t so put off by setbacks with people. I’ve just always felt like when I try to befriend people I’m that same too earnest awkward kid people only tolerate because they feel bad for me and I really hate that feeling so I just give up on people at any perceived hesitation.

I’ve had health problems for ~6 years but after enough doctors and other people telling me it was psychosomatic and I was just nuts/lazy, the self doubt got strong enough I kinda gave up chasing them down and acted as if it was all just in my head. but recently i just feel awful with a bunch of new symptoms that all very specifically match a problem that arises from not treating the original problem I suspected I have. I’m allergic to a bunch of new stuff, I feel even more tired than I used to, I’m paranoid all the time, I make really basic and potentially dangerous mistakes because I’m so disoriented and cloudy headed, I’m dizzy whenever I stand, I have to drag myself out of bed to pee so many times every night, and all my muscles ache and I just am so sad and angry and overwhelmed and regretful and I feel like this is too hard a problem for me to doggedly pursue until it’s fixed and everything else about the world right now just makes me feel there is this huge cloud of Doom looming over me all the time.

I feel like I almost flourish with restriction and limitations. Even though I hate those things, they seem to make me more creative, productive, and resourceful and so even though the last few months have been kinda shitty, I’ve developed a lot of skills and gotten better at life and doing things in general.

i think i’m allergic to weed and not just a little but like maybe dangerously so. Idk why I assumed having your throat swell up was just a normal weed thing esp given the fact I have had that allergic reaction to other things and also had a stupidly hard time recognizing what was wrong before figuring out I am allergic to those things. It is really bumming me out right now too bc I rlly enjoy weed and find it really helpful for sleep and headaches and for fun and comfort and getting out my own head and now I don’t get that anymore and I already feel like I am super deprived of fun and comfort and I feel like life is slowly taking away good things from me and I am just feeling very sad about this and also life and everything in general.

I finally realized in the last year or so that I actually like to sing and that it makes me feel happy but I cannot sing for fun in front of other people bc it makes me anxious and embarrassed and so whenever my wife went into work I’d sing a lot while cleaning or cooking or whatever, but now I never have any privacy and I’m really starting to miss singing and having space to be me alone.

kinda wish sometimes I lacked shame and could just become the cringy weirdo of my dreams... sometimes I see cringy weirdos doing their thing and just feel jealous bc I’m too inhibited to fully embrace who I self indulgently want to be

One of those missing all my exes days

one thing that emotionally fucks with me is seeing my parents give other people the acceptance and assurance I wanted as a kid/teenager/now. feels bad to see stuff my mom saying nice stuff to my cousin abt body image/weight stuff when puberty onward I got negative comments from my mom abt my size. i guess i don’t exactly create the kind of environment now where my mom could say that sort of thing to me bc i keep my emotional distance bc of a lot of reasons but still. feels bad man.