I REALLY LOVE EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS

(x)

You don’t want to be rich. You want to live freely.

That’s it

that’s it, man.

Exactly

Bitch I sat here and waited like a dumbass!

I high-key hate this so much

oh theres a witch in these woods??? is she single???

brb going to ask the forest witch out on a date

my firstborn child has been stolen

your wife taking care of your child is not “stealing”

think it’s about time we stop making jokes about the amount of famous white boys named Chris, and about time we started focusing on Tom. Am I talking about Cruise? Hiddleston? Hardy? Holland? Hanks? Felton? Fletcher? Selleck? Welling? Ford? Hooper? Brady? It’s impossible to tell because apparently half the male population are called Tom.

*Approaches a gay couple* So which one of you is Chris and which one of you is Tom.

every semicolon i’ve ever used has been a shot in the dark

Semicolon use is actually quite simple; semicolons separate two complete, related sentences.

cool; bro

zendaya is a whole modern-day warrior princess and I think that’s important.

“Can you steal what’s yours?“  This is scary af

Sir that’s my emotional support unrealistic romantic daydream

US things that I only know from the internet/tv and that i won’t believe until i’ve seen them with my own two eyes: 

can’t believe i forgot 

I can’t believe, in an industry ripe with falsehoods, you managed to list everything that actually exists

Fuck men. Be gay

This post is applicable to wlw and mlm. Solidarity

I was joining random dating sites and i came across one called “Top Tier” which was apparently only for very rich people with high IQs. Only, there was no vetting process so i figured it was just for pompous assholes who thought they were top tier.

I signed up to see what it was like. The color scheme of the site was yellow on black. You had to select one of three options indicating if you were single or not. I don’t remember what the first two were, but the third one was, “you can go to hell,” which meant that for whichever reason, you weren’t interested in anyone. If you chose this option you couldn’t even search the site, so I backed up and chose a different option.

I found Uma Thurman on the site and jokingly sent her a date request, but she actually accepted and now I had a date with her set for tomorrow evening. I was in a panic because I didn’t want to date Uma Thurman. In the dream, she was known for being mean. I was still stressing about how I was gonna break this date, when I woke up.

again, I really need to read the usernames on this fucking site