Gosh

It is time for my annual check-in with the four people who still use Tumblr!

Feeling nostalgic this morning; its gray out and I'm listening to chill instrumental hip hop and finished writing to my counsellor. Running on caffeine and melancholy vibes today, riding the line of 'is this a panic attack or just the current horrific reality of existence'. I'm off work today. Yes, I'm still at Home Depot but now I'm the hardware supervisor so you could say I'm one Subaru away from being a full on stereotype. I've been in the city and at that store for two years now. I haven't explored much of the city in that time but I have really dug into Netflix and have bought a ton of books and have read very few. I do a lot of crossword puzzles and learned how to solve a Rubik's cube. I grew out of my summer shorts. I am learning to communicate my feelings and needs and an increase in self-awareness is leading to a surprising feeling of isolation and self-loathing, and resentment. I am tired a lot but usually just with myself now.

What else? We bought an orange car together. Our apartment is sketchy but affordable. I went to Poland to meet her mom in December and saw snow-covered mountains for the first time, and probably ate 100 pierogi. I met her brothers and they translated for me. They are all too far, I would love to know them better. I also had a hysterectomy, did I already tell you? In 2020, December, right in the height of what-the-fuck-is-happing-in-the-world. I was bleeding a ton and sleeping a lot, it turned out I had a pretty large (mini-watermelon) sized fibroid growing and STEALING a lot of my blood. The safest solution was to remove my uterus, which was really scary and kind of sad for me and I couldn't have visitors and a ton of people looked at my vagina which was interesting, but I am here now and I can finally donate blood which I did this month for the first time in years. That feels nice.

That's where I am at now. Kind of comfortable at my job in a leadership role-comfortable if I allow myself to be, which I am trying to for now. Happy to be with a person who sees me and helps me to grow and be my best self, and hopefully I do that for her too. Trying to be more self aware and to see moments for what they are instead of what was and what will be.

K. See you next year, probably.

When I told my person yesterday that I felt ashamed that I’ve waited this long to tell a doctor I need help, to tell them I’m suffering, and to seek out a counsellor, she told me that I did what I needed to survive at the time. Once, food was comfort. Then when that stopped working, running was comfort, and the community that came with it, a community that saved me and kept me moving forward. Kept me tethered to good humans. She said I survived the way I needed to and I found things that I needed when I needed something. I’m here now.

@funnyrunner @beachyrunner @two-o-nine @runningwithguts how is everyone’s hair?

Hi. Lets only talk about 2020 a little bit, just the tail end.

It’s been two weeks yesterday since I had a hysterectomy. In October I went to the hospital because I was bleeding enough to be light headed. They found an 18cm fibroid in my uterus. The doctor told me it would be safer to take out my whole uterus and informed me that because of that I probably never could have had children anyways, so that’s what we did.

I’m feeling better each day. I spent some time mourning the fact that I can’t carry children. Maybe I’m still mourning that. I feel vulnerable in a way I’ve been fortunate not to feel before. I can sit and do puzzles now. Alex and I watch a lot of Netflix. We play cards. She takes good care of me and she sees me.

So I don’t know what this year will bring. I feel hopeful, scared, cautious. We move forward, it’s what we do. We seek out the good and find the joy.

My own personal Jewish, Polish, vegan, crossfitting lesbian. I’m really hitting my stride with this whole queer thing.

K.

@funnyrunner summons, @runningwithguts texts. I’m here, okay? Mostly because I don’t remember my MySpace password and because I occasionally need to check in on @david-and-boo‘s moustache and my bundle @beachyrunner‘s upcoming baby CrossFit gym. Have I been cycling? No. Have I been running at least? Also no.

I cried three times today and then my Garmin app notified me that I would be getting my period tomorrow, so I guess technically I’m still using my Garmin? 

Okay, that’s all, just dipping my toe in. Be back soon.

HERE I AM.

Hey so I think I’m just shouting towards @funnyrunner now, but I think I might need a place that isn’t my counsellor to shout towards.

I ran 22 minutes on Saturday! With my girlfriend. She’s a neuroscientist, I think you’d like her. I moved in with her last weekend and today I started a new job and I’m still in retail and it’s tough. I feel stuck, I’m moving forward but I still feel stuck. The running is nice and the counsellor is nice, though. I feel like a grown up and a child all at once. I think I miss this little community, too. What’s up with you?

HELLO ITS ME

Time has passed it just keeps moving onward forward etc is anyone out there still whats happening are we all old now am I always sore do I worry about everything do I hate the sound of silence am I still working in retail do I worry worry about everything am I loved am I safe yes to all hello still alive same me same me same me. 

Tuesday Five

I’m on a 35 day streak on the Calm app. I wondered what would happen if I stitched squares instead of painted them. I went to an art show and played with toys and video games and laughed a lot. I ran, and reluctantly set up the stationary bike. I ate donuts with a baby. I got kissed warmly on the forehead three times by a friend who was only medium drunk. I got tea and a hand made toque in the mail from a babe*.

I wanted to say that I turned 32 this week and it’s been a tough one to swallow but I am still alive. Taking my bike for rips. Trying another round of C25K. Going to galleries. Doing things and trying to be a person. Not being concerned about the short days, not worrying about the nightmare I had the other night where an alien watched me sleep, and definitely not dwelling on the woman in guided meditation app who made me ugly cry by reminding me that we fear the pain will never leave us, but even the strongest eventually lose their power.

I am impatient.

To you:

Thank you for being my safe space. Thank you for letting me stress, rant, vent, gush, swoon. Thank you for letting me be unsure. Thank you for embracing me, loving me, welcoming me, supporting me. Thank you for letting me laugh and cry to you. With you. Thank you for giving me the space and the heart and the patience and the platform to learn about myself.

I fear the worst. We fear the worst. Thank you for providing the cushion my heart needed when I first came out. For giving me the space to be terrified, but infinite space to be excited.

I appreciated you then, and I appreciate you now. Thank you.

I’m laying in bed, furious with my uterus and my head and my heart for teaming up against me and making me feel all sorts of anxious. Why am I stressed about the grey hairs I suddenly have? Why do all the songs hurt so much? Do I want to eat my feelings or eat nothing at all? I feel overwhelmed with everything I am and everything I’m not all at once and I am so frustrated with that. I am still figuring out how to be, and it hurts. Still. Being hurts. 

Safety pins for sale, please message for pricing.

Hey y’all. Here’s some snaps of my life since I know you have been missing me dearly. I’m still getting out of bed. I’m still seeking the joy. I’ll check in again real soon.

Hey, turns out I somehow managed to wake up with a cold so I bailed on cycling after work and instead ate chickpeas in two forms and then put some work into this unfinished painting that’s been in the corner judging me for the last eight months.