Forugh Farrokhzad, tr. by Sholeh Wolpé, from “Lost”, Sin: Selected Poems

bold which habits your muse has

justanotherrpmeme:

✰ * º ❛   friends sentence starters   ❜

‘  *reading obituaries* suddenly i wish i was reading my own name.  ’ ‘  you don’t even have oven mitts on!  ’ ‘  wow. i could so easily freak out right now.  ’ ‘  do you think it’s easy for me to see you with somebody else?  ’ ‘  hey, you remembered to put clothes on this morning.  ’ ‘  no more falafel for you!  ’ ‘  we were on a break!!  ’ ‘  you’re such a tattletale.  ’ ‘  i love you goddesses!  ’ ‘  everyone i know is either getting married or getting pregnant or getting promoted and I’m getting coffee. And it’s not even for me!  ’ ‘  it’s   ’ ‘  this is all a moo point. yeah, it’s like a cow’s opinion, it doesn’t matter. it’s moo.  ’ ‘  so, the ebola virus. that’s gotta suck, huh?  ’ ‘  my gynecologist tried to kill me.  ’ ‘  you can’t tell, but i’m trying to break the tension by mooning you guys.  ’ ‘  boy, you are not a morning person.  ’ ‘  yeah, well, i’m a slut.  ’ ‘  how you doin’?  ’ ‘  i am warm… for your form.  ’ ‘  i’m really looking forward to you and me having sexual intercourse.  ’ ‘  are you saying that you don’t wanna get with this?  ’ ‘  hey, you’re a pathetic loser, right?  ’ ‘  sometimes i wish i was a lesbian… did i say that out loud?  ’ ‘  if i were a guy and… did i just say, ‘if i were a guy’?  ’ ‘  i guess things were just going to well for me!  ’ ‘  i don’t have a plan. i don’t even have a ‘pla.’  ’ ‘  he’s so pretty i want to cry!  ’ ‘  prepare to feel very bad about yourself.  ’ ‘  i’m sorry that’s who i am. i’m a positive person.  ’ ‘  no, i’m a positive person. you are like santa clause on prozac at disneyland, getting laid.  ’ ‘  i’m hopeless and awkward and desperate for love!  ’ ‘  she was nice. i mean, she’s a little slutty, but who isn’t?  ’ ‘  honey, this is not your fault. just because you guys had a fight, it does not justify them sleeping with someone else.  ’ ‘  from now on, i am not getting out of this chair, ever. okay? from now on, this chair is the one.  ’ ‘  i wish i could, but i don’t want to.  ’ ‘  alright, i took the quiz and, it turns out, i do put career before men.  ’ ‘  look at him, he’s so cute. i just wanna go over there, grab him, and kiss him!  ’ ‘  i think, if it was a little colder in there, i could see your nipples through that sweater.  ’ ‘  what’s wrong with me… oh, don’t open that door.  ’ ‘  let me think, let me think… oh, i don’t care!  ’ ‘  i have no idea what’s going on, but i’m excited!  ’ ‘  i tend to keep talking until somebody stops me.  ’ ‘  when i first meet somebody, it’s usually panic, anxiety, and a great deal of sweating.  ’ ‘  are we greeting each other this way now? because i like it.  ’ ‘  it looks like you fell asleep with a hanger in your mouth.  ’ ‘  you wanna play twister?  ’ ‘  once, i got dumped during sex.  ’ ‘  here we are, with our future before us, and i only want to spend it with you.  ’ ‘  welcome to the real world. it sucks. you’re gonna love it!  ’ ‘  hey, you cry every time somebody talks about the titanic.  ’ ‘  if worst comes to worst, i’ll be your boyfriend.  ’ ‘  who loses 57 coin tosses in a row? you know? heads, she wins. tails, i lose.  ’ ‘  shut up! shut up! SHUT UP!  ’ ‘  i’m so glad we’re having this rehearsal dinner, you know? it’s so rare that i get to practice my meals before eating them.  ’ ‘  you always believed in me, even when i didn’t believe in myself.  ’ ‘  you’re fake laughing too, right?  ’ ‘  it’s sunday morning, i am not running on a sunday.  ’ ‘  ugh, dammit. why did i open my mouth?  ’ ‘  wow, we really are bitches.  ’ ‘  so why don’t you be a grown up and come and watch some tv in the fort!  ’ ‘  i don’t know what i’m gonna do with my life.  ’ ‘  i’m full, and yet i know if i stop eating this, i’ll regret it.  ’ ‘  kill me. kill me now.  ’ ‘  i want to sit in a comfortable chair, watch television, and go to sleep at a reasonable hour!  ’ ‘  what must it be like to not be crippled by fear and self-loathing?  ’ ‘  a stripper at a bachelor party, that is so cliché. why don’t you guys get a magician?!  ’ ‘  i’m curvy and i like it!  ’ ‘  i don’t share food!  ’ ‘  if i have to, i’d pee on any one of you.  ’ ‘  the fridge broke so i had to eat everything.  ’ ‘  you can’t have s-e-x when you’re taking care of the b-a-b-i-e!  ’ ‘  you’re over me? when were you… under me?  ’ ‘  these are just feelings. they’ll go away.  ’ ‘  i used to think of you as somebody that would never, ever hurt me.  ’ ‘  i mean, sure, i have my bad days, but then i remember what a cute smile i have.  ’ ‘  offering people gum is not cooking.  ’ ‘  i bought him a $500 watch and he wrote me a rap song.  ’ ‘  you know you should go outside and be with the three-dimensional people.   ’ ‘  no, inside good. outside baaaaad.  ’ ‘  they’re always saying ‘let’s go here, let’s go there.’ like we can afford to go here and there.  ’ ‘  i hate my job. i hate it. oh, i want to quit, but then i think i should stick it out.  ’ ‘  you think i have $1200? i’m home in the middle of the day and i got patio furniture in my living room.  ’ ‘  neat! i’m gonna die alone!  ’ ‘  okay, could you just stop talking for a second?  ’ ‘  i’ve sort of had feelings for you.  ’ ‘  today, it’s like there’s rock bottom, fifty feet of crap, then me.  ’ ‘  why am i friends with these people?  ’ ‘  i eat by myself in the alley because everyone hates me.  ’ ‘  i’m a lone wolf. a loner. alone. all alone. forever.  ’ ‘  my life is an embarrassment! i should just go live under somebody’s stairs.  ’ ‘  if i died, the only way people would know that i was here would be the ass print on this chair!  ’ ‘  i always thought if you and i got married, that would be the one that stuck.  ’ ‘  hi, i make jokes when i’m uncomfortable.  ’ ‘  i am not ‘blah’, i am a hoot!  ’ ‘  i just realized i can sleep with my eyes open.  ’ ‘  up until i was 25, i thought that the only response to ‘i love you’ was ‘oh, crap!’  ’ ‘  if the homo sapiens, were in fact ‘homo’ sapiens, is that why they’re extinct?  ’ ‘  do you think i need a new walk?  ’ ‘  you don’t own a tv? what’s all your furniture pointed at?  ’ ‘  just think of it like this: the third day. monday, one day. tuesday, two day. wednesday… when? huh? what day? thursday! the third day!  ’ ‘  eye-contact? i hope you were using protection!  ’ ‘  you were right, and from now on, yo make all my decisions for me.  ’ ‘  you said your boss wants to buy your baby?  ’ ‘  why god, why?!! we had a deal!! let the others grow old! not me!!  ’ ‘  last night i was finishing off a pizza and she said, ‘a moment on the lips, forever on the hips!’ i don’t need that kind of talk in my house!  ’ ‘  you’re druuuuunk. mom and dad are gonna be maaaad! …maybe i’m a little drunk.  ’ ‘  let her know i like her? are you insane?  ’ ‘  what’s it gonna take for you to forgive me?  ’ ‘  isn’t that just kick-you-in-the-crotch, spit-on-your-neck fantastic?  ’ ‘  you’re crying over a doritos commercial.  ’ ‘  that fake british woman is a real bitch, but she sure can dance.  ’ ‘  i think it’d be better for my ego if we didn’t stand right next to each other.  ’ ‘  seriously… good luck on marrying me.  ’ ‘  there is no ‘us’, okay?  ’ ‘  i fell for you and i get clobbered. you then fall for me and i again, somehow, get clobbered.  ’ ‘  it’s just not worth it.  ’ ‘  we are never gonna happen, okay? accept that.  ’ ‘  you know what? you’re the one who ended it.  ’ ‘  i ended it because i was mad at you. not because i stopped loving you.  ’ ‘  imagine the worst things you think about yourself. now, how would you feel if the one person you trusted the most in the world not only thinks them too, but actually uses them as reasons not to be with you.  ’ ‘  you were worth the wait.  ’ ‘  that’s our baby.  ’ ‘  you deserve to be with someone who appreciates and who gets how funny and sweet and amazing and adorable and sexy you are.  ’

send me a # to learn an unusual hc about my muse!

he makes a face. he can’t help himself, the muscles of his face acting as if on their own: there’s a tension in his eyebrows, pushing them a bit towards each other, the corners of his mouth turn a little downwards and a nostril on one side flares just slightly. he knows it’s rude, to make that kind of face, upon hearing a music most definitely coming from someone much more experienced than himself, created for someone of such idol caliber as krystal of f(x) herself – but he simply can’t help it. there’s just something in the crude tones of music, the noise it creates, the drafted words attached to it–something that both his mind, heart and body despises even beyond his consciousness and rule over his own reactions.

yoongi would lie if he said he’s not relieved to see that the older female – one of the idols he looked up to with starstruck eyes still a few years back, when he himself was struggling to make it through and not give in to the idea of disbandment – approved of his reaction. more than that, it sparked a whole deal of amusement upon realizing that her one pretty much matched his own.

“it’s just a demo though, right?” he asks, eyebrows still drawn together, but now, rather than an exaggerated expression of distaste, it’s more of an automatic gesture accompanying his thinking process. every company, even every producer, works in their own ways, but some things rarely changed: first, there is a need, there an idea, followed by a rough draft, a demo, moving onto adjustments (or scraping the project, which, in yoongi’s humble opinion, would be the best in this case) and eventually finalizing the track – which meant there’s still plenty of time to fix what’s broken.

“i have no idea how these things work with your label, we… well, i think we’re very lucky to have a lot of power over the creative process of the music itself. i know it’s rarely the case,” yoongi admits, trying to thread his words carefully, as to not accidentally offend the fellow idol or her label–they are a powerhouse on the korean entertainment’s market, and they were it for a reason. yoongi, no matter what and how much he has achieved, is in no position to ill-speak of them. even if, in this particular moment, his feelings are less than impressed.

“but can’t you somehow–impact their decision? i mean, you know your fans best. the management has numbers, sure, but there’s nobody more aware of what is expected by those who has stood by your side for years, than yourself. and in the end, your goal is the same: for the thing you put out to be successful–well, unless there’s something going on behind the scenes and they’re trying to sink you,” it’s a rather open and brave after-thought, and yoongi cringes inwardly at the fact that he voiced it at all; god damn it, min yoongi, hold your fucking genius tongue back sometimes, will you. 

“what i’m saying is, they should at least consider your opinion, if only you come forth with it. tell them it’s garbage–uh, no, don’t tell them exactly that, but–you know. or try fixing it yourself, i mean, it’s not all bad… if you switched tempo here and there, added some beats, and rewrote the atrocious draft of chorus, it might make a bit more sense,” for a second there, he goes into his producer mode, turning in his swivel chair and tapping against the keyboard of his small studio, highlighting some parts on the screen, deleting others, copy-pasting some bits; all done on a demo that surely was adorned by a whole load of confidentiality policies that both of them are breaching at the very moment. oh well. what the eye doesn’t see, the heart doesn’t grieve over, or something like that.

“i can help,” he says eventually, turning back around in her direction. it takes quite a bit of guts to say that, seeing how he is just a little dot on the entire picture that she is one of the main characters of, but he says it anyway, and he’s slightly proud of himself for this impromptu bravery. “there’s everything you may need here, and sure, it might take some time and efforts and logistic problems, but if you think there’s a chance it may impact their final decision, i think it’s worth trying.”

an involuntary and slightly bitter laugh leaves her as soon as she hears his implication. she knew he probably didn’t mean it that way, but she couldn’t help her amusement, the thought having occurred to her several times over the past two years and some-odd months of radio silence from her own agency, watching from the sidelines.

“sm? trying to sink us? this might sound out of line, speaking badly of them, but since i’m pretty sure they don’t have this place bugged, i think you’re absolutely right.” she leans back in her chair, crossing her legs almost instinctively, lost in thought for a moment as she speaks. “see... the thing is, it’s been like that for a while now. no comebacks, no special track appearances, none of our individual activities mentioned... hell. i do my reading, and people think we’ve already disbanded.” she pauses for a moment, pursing her lips at the rather upsetting notion, before continuing. “i don’t think it’s any secret that it’s been all about red velvet since the moment they debuted. don’t get me wrong... i love those girls. but the company sees how successful they are, and we suddenly look like old news. it’s their changing of the guard, so to speak. maybe i sound a little paranoid, but i think we’re being phased out. and this comeback... this comeback’s success means everything. it could make us, or break us, and i’d really like to not go out like this.”

she lets her words sit for a moment, tilting her head to listen to her companion’s input. he was right; the company should value her opinion. whether or not they would, however, was debatable, but krys was pulled from that thought process when he turned his back to her, changing up some things on the track while she looked on. years back, a younger version of herself would have freaked out― wouldn’t have even had the demo in the first place. but the pressure of knowing she needed to do something had led her to ‘accidentally’ slip the flash drive into her purse when a certain producer had cast his eyes elsewhere. and i can’t say i’m even sorry.

she wasn’t fully expecting the word ‘help,’ but hearing it turned on some sort of light in her, a hopeful smile illuminating her features. “really? would you?” krys beams, and immediately kicks herself for her kid-in-a-candy-store tone of voice. woah there. cool it. she may have had more industry experience than suga, but her repeated listens to his work and that of his group’s had built up a high respect for him in her mind― one that her shyness had previously held her back from expressing. trying to adopt a more relaxed expression, krys still couldn’t help nodding vigorously. “i mean... if you have the time, my whole group would be so grateful. i just know that something good can come of this, and... knowing what i do about the things you’ve already worked on, i trust your judgement. i’ll help too!... if i can. i’m not as versed in all of this as you,” she admits, waving her hand toward his monitor, “but i might be able to help tell what sounds good... again, if it’s not too much to ask.”

@krystalyze​ liked for a starter from jaeyong!

weddings were supposed to be a happy moment in life, and for the two people getting married it was. however for jaeyong, he was less than enthusiastic about the nuptials. he didn’t care much for weddings, they were a big waste of money in his opinion, but since it was his brother who was getting married, jaeyong supposed he could act happy just this once. once he had said his best man speech and had his plate of food from the buffet, jaeyong made his way to his table only to run into someone and simultaneously drop the food on his plate at the same time. “my shrimp!” he said, a slight pout forming on his lips before turning his attention towards the person he’d run into. “ah i’m so sorry, i should have been paying attention to where I was going.”

she wasn’t paying attention, that much she would readily admit. lost in thought, admiring the way her nail polish sparkled in the light, she couldn’t even really recall where her mind had been― just that there was a sudden impact and a clatter that dragged her back to earth. krys didn’t mind weddings, on the contrary, she was that girl, the one that had her own planned at age five, the kind that cried over the ‘i do’s of people she hardly knew. however, it seemed everyone was getting married recently... everyone, from her manager to her choreographer’s sister’s third cousin. connections meant lots of invites, her inability to say no meant she had to show her face at every event. the process was starting to become a little... stale. and thinking of other things as she drifted around the reception of who even knows whose wedding had brought her to where she found herself, bumped into a stranger with a blooming stain on her gown. good one, krys. “no, no it’s okay―” she stumbled over her words trying to keep her head down, hoping she wouldn’t be recognized. “that was my fault, i was distracted, don’t even worry about it. sorry about that, sorry..”

✰ * º ❛   that 70′s show sentence starters   ❜

‘  you know what your problem is? i’m too good looking.  ’ ‘  god, what did you have for breakfast this morning? carnation instant bitch?  ’ ‘  oh, is this what we’re gonna do today, we’re gonna fight?  ’ ‘  because you’re breaking up the band, yoko!  ’ ‘  an apple? where’s my candy, you son of a bitch.  ’ ‘  she told me she loves me and then i told her i loved cake…  ’ ‘  how’d you’d like to own a little bit of my foot in your ass?  ’ ‘  look, if i could run across the beach into my own arms, i would.  ’ ‘  you know he never liked phones. he said he could hear voices in ‘em.  ’ ‘  when my time comes, i wanna be buried facedown so that anyone who doesn’t like me can kiss my ass.  ’ ‘  you know what your problem is? you’re really cute… so no one ever told you to shut your pie hole.  ’ ‘  god, we are such the… perfect couple?  ’ ‘  you’re cold? well damn, i can’t control the weather!  ’ ‘  the gym, or as i like to call it, the institute of things i can’t do.  ’ ‘  well, i’d like to help but… not as much as i’d like not to.  ’ ‘  don’t put me in your fantasies. i don’t even like being in your real life.  ’ ‘  i don’t like people. i like rock n’ roll, sex, and pizza – in that order.  ’ ‘  i’m not loving anybody that i’m not legally required to.  ’ ‘  and if somebody doesn’t tell me i’m cute in the next five minutes, i’m gonna scream!  ’ ‘  don’t hate me because i’m beautiful.  ’ ‘  i can’t count on much in this crazy world, but i can always count on you.  ’ ‘  i’m going to go out, meet some boys and crush their hearts one by one.  ’ ‘  where zen ends, ass kicking begins.  ’ ‘  you guys are fighting like cats and whores.  ’ ‘  cake is good, but you cannot have sex with cake.  ’ ‘  well, my head says no, but my heart says no.  ’ ‘  the three true branches of the government are military, corporate, and hollywood.  ’ ‘  hey man, if you don’t get caught, everything’s legal.  ’ ‘  yeah, but god didn’t see that. i was in my van, and he can’t see through lead.  ’ ‘  college is for ugly girls who can’t get modeling contracts.  ’ ‘  college is for women who don’t want to marry the first idiot they meet and squeeze out his bastard moron children.  ’ ‘  i was never happy. i was just less pissed off.  ’ ‘  sometimes when i’m alone, i just love to cuddle.  ’ ‘  i have a definite opinion on this… i don’t care.  ’ ‘  when he’s unhappy, i know our relationship is in good shape.  ’ ‘  all right, sleep tight and don’t let the bedbugs put their foot in your ass.  ’ ‘  that’s your brain trying to comprehend its own stupidity.  ’ ‘  we have some breaking news: i’m toasted.  ’ ‘  but i don’t want to go outside. there are people out there.  ’ ‘  oh, please. i’m a hot-looking, smooth-talking, frisky-assed son of a bitch.  ’ ‘  no, i’m not pouting. that would upset our routine. god knows i wouldn’t want to move in a new direction and accidentally slip in a puddle of fun or anything.  ’ ‘  i’ve just decided being sad is a waste of my time.  ’ ‘  he called me ugly on the inside and the outside. i’m sorry, but he’s just wrong about the outside part.  ’ ‘  i don’t really cook much. i just plan on getting by on my looks.  ’ ‘  no, no, no, you just don’t move on from me. i’m like alcohol. you need a twelve-step program to break my smell.  ’ ‘  you know, being here under the stars, sitting on the grass makes me really glad i’m not poor.  ’ ‘  the person i love the most is me!  ’ ‘  i was voted most popular, best legs, and now godmother? what can’t i do?  ’ ‘  why am i alone and all of you less attractive people are happy?  ’ ‘  it’s better to have loved and loss than to be butt ugly.  ’ ‘  okay, i’ve said it before and i’ll say it again: everyone loves me.  ’ ‘  why get out of bed when you can read about people who got out of bed?  ’ ‘  i got a lot of free time. i mainly use it to nap and cry.  ’ ‘  i’ll just curl up in the fetal position and think about pancakes.  ’ ‘  have you been in bed all day?  ’ ‘  last night i only slept like… nine hours.  ’ ‘  i pity you because you’re dumb.  ’ ‘  responsible people don’t go around getting their nipples twisted.  ’ ‘  they want to kill rock n’ roll because they know it makes us horny, man.  ’ ‘  i would love car sex… or just sex… or just a car.  ’ ‘  no, i don’t feel bad. i don’t feel anything.  ’ ‘  man, think about it. we hold information that could crush the very heart and soul of one of our best friends… i live for days like this!  ’ ‘  it’s like we’re too old to trick or treat and too young to die.  ’ ‘  talking isn’t gonna help me, okay? what’s gonna help me is, like, drinking.  ’ ‘  hey, yeah, that’s the worst idea i’ve ever heard!  ’ ‘  i wish i was an octopus.  ’ ‘  thanks, but i’ve gotta go to sleep because i have a big day of misery ahead of me.  ’ ‘  life is too short to spend it with people who annoy you.  ’ ‘  well, for your information, i’m already sorry i was ever born.  ’ ‘  i don’t have a hickey. i was using a curling iron.  ’ ‘  give me a reason why i shouldn’t set you on fire.  ’ ‘  i’m a hottie, you’re a nottie.  ’ ‘  prison is not an option for me, okay? i can’t pee in front of other people.  ’ ‘  man, time really flies when you take two naps a day.  ’ ‘  oh, no. now i have to act normal.  ’ ‘  oh, i just remembered i can’t loan it to you on account of i hate you.  ’ ‘  i’ve been diagnosed with a disease that makes me irresistible to women.  ’ ‘  you know what the best thing god ever did was? boobs.  ’ ‘  i’m like ketchup. i go good on everything!  ’ ‘  when we were about to fool around and i said that i washed my hands, but i really just got done playing with like six dogs.  ’ ‘  there’s a rabbit stuck in a tree and i want to return that rabbit to the wild so it can lay its eggs.  ’ ‘  if this is about maturity then i want nothing to do with it.  ’ ‘  a wedding without a trampoline? that’s crazy talk.  ’ ‘  i don’t wanna blink ‘cause i’m afraid to miss even a second of your cuteness.  ’ ‘  you seem normal around your family, but out in the real world, you’re kinda nuts.  ’ ‘  i could get arrested. i could go to girl prison. this freakin’ rocks!  ’ ‘  my parents are fighting all the time and they want me to choose sides, but i can’t because they’re both idiots.  ’ ‘  why would sally sell seashells down by the seashore? i mean, that’s a terrible location for a seashell stand.  ’ ‘  i’m not strong, but i know a lot of ways to destroy men emotionally.  ’ ‘  i don’t have feelings for him. i just hate that bitch for making him happy.  ’ ‘  i’m not jealous, i just want to pop that inflatable bitch and watch her fly around the room.  ’ ‘  hello, it is me, the object of your desire.  ’ ‘  i’m a beautiful girl with a shrill, demanding voice. i’m pretty hard to ignore.  ’ ‘  a gold digger is what these idiots call a woman who knows that love eventually wears off, but money is forever.  ’ ‘  you see, a more productive use of my time is revenge.  ’ ‘  i cannot be held responsible for the things that come out of my mouth.  ’ ‘  i don’t answer stupid questions.  ’

For my brother, you’re his first love.

✰ * º ❛   buzzfeed unsolved sentence starters  ( part two )   ❜

        (   part of the youtube starter series   )

‘ in their defense, it was christmas eve.   ’ ‘  oh, so it’s fine if people die on christmas eve.  ’ ‘  i’m not saying i’m condoning them for being seven hours late to a fire that was 2.5 miles away.  ’ ‘  it’s just not– not great.  ’ ‘  alright, i think we’ve solved it! it’s been fun! see you later!  ’ ‘  i will set your house on fire and your children will die.  ’ ‘  seems a little on-the-nose for me.  ’ ‘  agree to agree.  ’ ‘  what are we doing here?  ’ ‘  ehh, there’s a lot of paperwork.  ’ ‘  i think there’s some shady shit going on there, but that’s just my opinion.  ’ ‘  i’m telling you, nobody knows how to do their job in this town.  ’ ‘  so you’re telling me he screamed in your face that he’s gonna murder your family? sounds like a good dude to me. i don’t know what you’re talking about.  ’ ‘  why is the minister telling rumors?  ’ ‘  i think that’s the first time i’ve ever heard of a detective going missing. that’s like a fish drowning.  ’ ‘  what a terrible thing to happen in such a beautiful place.  ’ ‘  that’s a shark, baby. i know. i’ve seen jaws at least six time, that’s a shark.  ’ ‘  heads up, this is about to get pretty brutal here, in this description.  ’ ‘  no, this is bologna. i’m flip-flopping again.  ’ ‘  that’s called not being thorough.  ’ ‘  we’ve been over this before. the bear is the most deadly animal of all time.  ’ ‘  a shark can definitely kill a bear, hands down, if you dropped a bear in the ocean.  ’ ‘  a hippopotamus would kill a bear in a heartbeat.  ’ ‘  did she have anything on under the trench coat? …that’s a weird question. never mind.  ’ ‘  this sounds like a law & order interview.  ’ ‘  yeah, that rings a bell or two. that shakes a tambourine.  ’ ‘  what the fuck? no, shame on him.  ’ ‘  it’s not even a good poem. it’s just weird.  ’ ‘  this sounds like something a drunk man would say as he’s laying on the sidewalk, just babbling.  ’ ‘  the shark is ten times less creepier than you.  ’ ‘  that poem is unforgivable.  ’ ‘  i feel like i need to take a bath in hand sanitizer.  ’ ‘  what in the fuck is that?  ’ ‘  ugh, fuck. i feel awful right now.  ’ ‘  there’s no way in hell i’m gonna go there.  ’ ‘  i’m surprised you’re conscious right now.  ’ ‘  kind of looks like hell.  ’ ‘  hey ghouls, the boys are here!  ’ ‘  this is the place where nightmares are made.  ’ ‘  it looks like one of the conjuring films.  ’ ‘  i got a little spoiler for ya: everything in the building is gonna look like this.  ’ ‘  yeah, yeah, that was a rough time in history.  ’ ‘  i’m glad we’re done with that. that was– just everybody died.  ’ ‘  it’s a ghost butt!  ’ ‘  this is the biggest upset. i did not feel this coming.  ’ ‘  this is like satan’s butthole.  ’ ‘  what if you go fuck yourself. how about that?  ’ ‘  i’m gonna imagine that place is the closest thing to hell.  ’ ‘  how dare they dispose of my body?! they should leave it in the hallway to rot!  ’ ‘  yeah, i got the chills even thinking about it.  ’ ‘  look it up. it’s a thing on the internet.  ’ ‘  they pushed the dog too?!  ’ ‘  am i just freaking myself out again?  ’ ‘  i’m gonna take everything said by a ghost hunter with a grain of salt.  ’ ‘  oh my god, did your brain just explode?  ’ ‘  am i a ghost hunter? i don’t wanna be a ghost hunter. this is all bullshit. oh no. do i have to put that on my business card now? son of a bitch.  ’ ‘  let’s drop some sweet knowledge.  ’ ‘  i’m already fed up with the folders, by the way. it looks too official, considering the nonsense that is within.  ’ ‘  so, the aliens show up, show them pictures of helicopters, and fly away?  ’ ‘  i can’t wait to see a post of the motion picture wedding crashers and, uh, well, some lava lamps.  ’ ‘  wait, a funerary marker from 100 b.c. shows a woman presenting a laptop with usb ports?! how do they charge it? why are there usb ports on it if they don’t have thumbnail drives? what are they looking at on it? there’s no internet. do they have photoshop?  ’ ‘  here’s a picture of you with three butt cheeks.  ’ ‘  i’ve drawn it so it must be real!  ’ ‘  you have nothing to say about any of that?  ’ ‘  i will fight you tooth and nail when it comes to ghoulie ghosts, but aliens are a little more… probable.  ’ ‘  no, you don’t win because i’m sure you have plenty of other stuff on here that’s very dumb.  ’ ‘  i’m good, i’ll just sign up for karate or something.  ’ ‘  wow, have you ‘signs’? ‘signs’, the motion picture that they made back in the day? they found aliens, it was crazy! they ruined a kids birthday party.  ’ ‘  my big takeaway here is that art is not proof.  ’ ‘  you’re telling me those architects used math?! knock me down with a feather.  ’ ‘  can you imagine if you spent your entire life hauling around heavy stones to make the pyramids and someone was like, ‘no, they couldn’t have done it. you know what it must’ve been? space aliens. i seen ‘em.’  ’ ‘  no, they couldn’t have done it. you know what it must’ve been? space aliens. i seen ‘em.  ’ ‘  well, facts don’t matter then.  ’ ‘  if i’m building a giant, mighty, wondrous pyramid, i’m not gonna be like ‘hey, can you do some chiseling of the ramp? we really gotta show off this ramp. it’s a hell of a ramp.’  ’ ‘  are they written in alien language?  ’ ‘  i don’t doubt that they were mathematically adept.  ’ ‘  so, it was aliens?  ’ ‘  so, it was aliens? they showed up, gave ‘em ipads, gave ‘em zune, built the pyramids, left, and that’s it, and they haven’t been back since.  ’ ‘  i think they lied. i have yet to see compelling evidence.  ’ ‘  go fuck yourself, have a nice day.  ’ ‘  irrelevant. you’re irrelevant.  ’ ‘  we don’t care about anyone who died.  ’ ‘  we don’t care if he was famous. we treat everyone the same.  ’ ‘  i think you should just never do that again.  ’ ‘  if you’re saying that someone paid you a million dollars to kill someone, like wouldn’t you– wouldn’t there be some kind of receipt to say that?  ’ ‘  quick thought: is it annoying that i always hold this pen like this?  ’ ‘  i think your douche-meter’s usually at half mass, right now it’s through the roof.  ’ ‘  oh, he ‘discovered’ it alright. just to be fair: fuck christopher columbus.  ’ ‘  you’re saying this ocean’s full of ghosts?  ’ ‘  what, are you taking notes over there? this isn’t a debate.  ’ ‘  the titanic – she was a might one – and now she’s lying at the bottom.  ’ ‘  i don’t know. ships sink, ya’know?  ’ ‘  these don’t do much for me because planes crash, boats sink. a goose probably flew into the propeller and the plane just fucking nose-dived into the ocean!  ’ ‘  so, what are you positing here? that it’s in an alternate dimension?  ’ ‘  i’m gonna need some documentation on this.  ’ ‘  you need some documentation?! look up the stories, i’m just sayin’!  ’ ‘  i can’t believe you think this is not weird.  ’ ‘  i can’t believe you don’t think that boats sink.  ’ ‘  a theory says that those lost in the bermuda triangle are actually now residents of the legendary lost civilization of atlantis.  ’ ‘  no– no th– no, they’re not. nope!  ’ ‘  now all the frustration that i had in the first half of this is now equally composited on top of you.  ’ ‘  are they breathing underwater?!  ’ ‘  i can see your face and it’s just– it’s fuming.  ’ ‘  this is absurd.  ’ ‘  i think if there were a black hole anywhere near our solar system, everything would cease to exist.  ’ ‘  we don’t know anything about black holes.  ’ ‘  yes, we know a fair amount about black holes. black holes aren’t unicorns.  ’ ‘  i think there’s a lot you don’t know.  ’ ‘  oh, jesus christ… okay, tell me about… underwater area 51.  ’ ‘  to be fair, i’m not trying anybody on a carnival cruise.  ’ ‘  what happened to you on a carnival cruise?  ’ ‘  i’ve never been on a carnival cruise and i will never go on one.  ’ ‘  i assume they were drunk or high… probably just out of their minds.  ’ ‘  this is photoshopped to high heaven.  ’ ‘  that is so fake. i mean, look at it.  ’ ‘  that is the shittiest footage i’ve ever seen. that is so fake.  ’ ‘  i’m saying you don’t understand how black holes work.  ’ ‘  i’ve got a better understanding than you do.  ’ ‘  there’s other science we don’t know about.  ’ ‘  that makes me sound like trump.  ’ ‘  oh, you’re presenting alternative facts.  ’ ‘  it’s too sad. let’s just talk about ghosts.  ’

          (   videos:   one,   two,   three,   four,   five   )