I'm going to open my own restaurant and it's going to have zero booths.

What is love

And when I ask her to dance she will say she doesn't know how. I will simply respond "me neither, want to figure it out?"

You're the kind of girl that never waits and I'm the kind of guy that's always too late

Me: *coming out the bathroom smiling awkwardly after destroying it for 2 hours and 16 minutes* Person: "why are you so happy?" Me: "oh, that's just my Charmin booty smile"

I will call you Peter Pan and you can call me lost boy because I believe in you. Or maybe I’m just losing my marbles.

No I did not wash my hands because your God damn automatic sink wouldn't let me

Guys not raising the seat to pee is equivalent to when they do not put it back down for girls.

When people change lanes during traffic. There's nowhere to go.. unless you know a way out I don't?

I wish I invented something, like paper clips. Or maybe the first guy to see a crab and say "I'm going to eat you"

She makes me feel euphoric and frightened, she's my Ramona Flowers.

The hopeless romantic could do nothing more but hope for hope, for hope was all that he had.

Took off my glasses to sleep. Gets email from lasek "Are you glasses getting the way" Well shit, I guess so.

I dont understand Instagram. I look at one dog video and now all the sudden that's all I care about on my explore page.

Left On Very Empty

I'm glad that being a foodie is a thing now so I dont feel so fat and shameful for eating too much

I like getting my picture taken because it's proof I exist

I'm glad I'm not deaf so I don't have to wonder what "dreamy chillwave music" sounds like