Music & More

Dear Friends

Holy BELLS! It’s been 5 weeks since I posted. My life has suddenly gotten very busy after floating around like a little lost lamb for 18 months. I’ve been studying some psychology modules at uni, which I absolutely love, and I’m gearing up to test my ideas for my next musical project over Christmas. So, I’m going to use this site as a diar/ creative notepad over the next few months. There is a dream plan I have for marinabook, but I have no brain space right now to think about anything but music and psychology. I’m not sure if this is connected to the introvert/baseline level of arousal thing I talked about in this post but, god damn it!! My brain space/brain RAM can handle only so much thinking!

Today I finished the first term of uni and I felt a happiness I haven’t known for a very long time. I’m so full of glee I’m acting like I’ve LITERALLY GRADUATED (*goes to university once*). I went on a shopping spree 5 minutes after it, as if it were 2007 and I were blowing my student loan willy-nilly into ongoing traffic. Some people on this blog have asked me what it’s like going back to university as a mature student… Well, it’s pretty wonderful. I love using the library, which is in a beautiful part of central London, and I love being around people of all ages from different professions. It’s very refreshing and is a real comfort to me to know that the option to study new subjects will always be there throughout my adult life (The uni is tailored to part time degrees and evening classes, so you can study module by module if you like). I have some essays that I may adapt for this site, one discussing the extent to which personality is biological and another on attachment theory and how useful it is in explaining the origins of personality disorders. I had heard about Attachment Theory before,but after reading it in depth I’ve been interpreting behaviours in a completely different way. I think learning about attachment styles could be of benefit to anyone. I would have loved to have worked in child or developmental psychology if I hadn’t been an artist. Hopefully I can combine both worlds one day.

Whilst I’m far from starting the next campaign, I’ve been thinking about how I can create a better life for myself as an artist, on a day-to-day level, but also how I can best spend my energy in contributing something positive or helpful. The privileges of making art for a living are so huge, but one of the things that I have always found difficult is a lack of routine, or consistency. Traditional album cycles were very off/on in the past; You made your album, created your visual world, went on promotion, then went off on tour and kissed goodbye to the sweet life you’d scratched out for yourself between albums. Then 2 years later it’s all over again, you’re faced with a big space and you feel strange trying to integrate yourself back into your old life. There is no ‘how to’ guide to mental health + being an artist. I’m going to try my best to do things differently this time. Some people enjoy the cycles, others work better with consistent medium-intensity work (i.e me). I like to work hard, but not *too* hard. What can I say… I enjoy my life…

Pic of me enjoying life. My kitten does not look like she’s enjoying hers particularly. RUDE.

In between music and creative posts, I might start doing introductory posts on topics I would like to explore more for MarinaBook, to gain a perspective on peoples thoughts and feelings before writing the actual piece (e.g. Millennial marriage + what role it plays for our generation). The motivation for me to write definitely lies in a format where readers can contribute their own questions or thoughts and make the project collaborative and human. Perhaps I could have a monthly guest post on here from a reader on a specific topic… I have a few ideas I’m going to trial so bear with me!

Whether in writing or music, what I love most is a feel of relation and connection with other people in the world. And it’s something I’ve missed as an artist in recent years, just talking freely and naturally with people. It’s made me consider what kind of visual message I want to project going forward in order to be able to have more of this. Writing on this site has made me feel human again and I have you to thank for that! People have been so open and supportive. It’s not easy to write some of the posts - each one takes me literally 5 days because I write slower than snails crawl - and sometimes it feels unnatural/uncomfortable to be open. But the responses are worth it. Love reading your messages. Would like to do some talks again with you in 2018 (like the Oxford one last year) focusing more on the topics we discuss on here.

If this post reads like a highly frazzled person who hasn’t seen the sky for 4 days because she just finished her uni exams, that would be accurate. I miss you all a lot and look forward to talking more soon. I’m looking forward to the new year and creating a beautiful new project for you (and for me).

Love, Marina xxx

PS. Here is a little vid of me writing something.

It Takes A Long Time To Get Over Yourself

Oh, man. This letter has taken me an embarrassingly long time to write. Probably because I haven’t written anything but e-mails and Tweets for 12 years.

If the last year has taught me anything, it’s this: it takes a long time to get over yourself.

Last March, after 7 years on the road, I decided to take a break. I was excited about this. I’d imagined myself watching tv all day, being a “chill person”, eating doughnuts because I didn’t have to wear latex catsuits anymore. The reality: not quite the joy ride I’d been expecting.

I’ve been an artist for over a decade but up until this year, I hadn’t realised how much my sense of self had been defined by my role as an artist. I’d never thought of “Marina and the Diamonds” as a persona or a construct, and I didn’t think the stage-me was very different to the sofa-me. MATD was an exciting vehicle that helped me express ideas and thoughts to people. But just as people construct online personas, artist construct visual ones, and over time, the lines between art and reality can drift apart. 

I can’t remember when I first became conscious of it but I started to feel like there were two parts of me, artist self and private self, and there was nothing in between to link the two anymore. I was one or the other, and neither part of my personality could be present in the same environment. Perhaps because I’d spent most of the past 8 years devoted to being an artist and this hadn’t presented many opportunities for other parts of my personality to grow. When one part of a personality dominates, other parts shrink and life can take on an unreal, two-dimensional quality. I felt confused as to why I no longer felt like I longer fit into the world I’d built. I don’t think my feelings are exceptional (particularly in entertainment) but I wonder if you are someone who has experienced this in a different context.

I’ve always been interested in identity. In my twenties, I felt frustrated by how regularly my identity seemed to shift and change until I began to consider the idea that a fixed self may not exist. I explored this in “Electra Heart” by deconstructing aspects of female identity in a portrayal of female archetypes. However, the past year has made me re-examine this idea. Not being able to equate my identity to a job, project or visible entity has created a lot of discomfort and uncertainty in me. Which has been a surprise, as I thought I felt secure in myself. How can I be so sure of who I am if I am so susceptible to change? A lot of what contributes to our idea of identity is down to pure chance - ethnicity, social class, upbringing, religion, job, relationships - who are we without those influences?

Everything in western culture feels so geared towards self-definition, but I wonder if having a looser idea of yourself could make life richer. The past year hasn’t been full of rainbows - I feel like my brain has been brutally rewired - but letting go of a perceived idea of myself has resulted in a new kind of personal freedom. My image is no longer a main source of identity, nor are previous signifiers like clothing (more on this in a future post), designer brands + other things I subconsciously used to define myself.

Lasting change rarely happens over night. This past year has been painful and slow. But I’m in a more genuine space than I was a year ago and I would never want to go back to that stunted way of being again. In fact, the only solace I had in this period was being able to read the books and blogs of other people experiencing significant life transitions, so I hope this might be of help to anyone who is going through a similar stage.

Truth is, I’m not planning ahead much right now. I am indeed going through my “what should I do with the rest of my life” phase that most people go through at 21. Which is… cool. But I’m grateful to have the opportunity to explore different interests, and starting marinabook is a part of that. I’m starting a Psychology course soon, which I am SO excited about, and I’m ready for a brand new chapter. I hope you’ll be a part of it.

Some people have been asking about new music and I’m always flattered to be asked. I know one year is like an aeon in digital time. The honest answer is I don’t know when that will be, but the connection I have with music has always flowered from an honest connection with myself, and I trust my instincts.

Whenever I get back on stage again, I would love to feel like I am the sum of my parts, not the sum of a persona or an image. That’s the goal. A lot of reality with a little bit of fantasy. So, marinabook is a way for us to stay connected while I work that out.

I miss you all!

Ask a question or share thoughts here.

Love from, Marina

Further Reading

Brilliant explanation of personas here. 5 minute read.

Podcast on how our views about the Self affect our views on death.  By “Philosophy Bites”.  15 minutes.

Illustration by Lan Truong

Marina at Lana Del Rey’s show in London tonight! (Source)

Lana Del Rey thanked Marina in her album booklet in Lust For Life.

Marina wore Lana Del Rey’s friendship bracelet while performing today

x

@lanadelrey: Friendship bracelets I can’t tell you how happy it made me to see this Angel. I don’t even have the right words to explain how good it was to see her!

@lanadelrey SISTERS🍎