Hypnotic Abyss

let me tell you driving from Ohio to Washington in a SmartCar with everything I owned was funny enough on its own but once I got west of the Rockies, every. single. time. I stopped ar a gas station, random dads would just spawn beside my car. like there was some sort of dad portal following me. and they’d see my ohio plates and go, “did you DRIVE through the mountains in that?” and every. single. time. I’d go, “well, they didn’t airlift me!”

it killed. it absolutely cleared ever time. never failed to make the dads laugh. they were obsessed. i said it the same every time. it was like I was in a groundhog day timeloop on interstate 70 westbound gas stations. and i you know what? I was happy.

the fact that it was smaller than my tent….

truly took this little transmission places it was never supposed to go.

Hate it when the squishmallow try to tell me the squishie’s name like no way in hell is this shrimp named Monica what the fuck are you talking about. But when beanie babies does it its ok because yeah that monkey’s name is bongo. Thats right.

i got my new tetanus shot who wants to play bucket of rusty nails withme ^_^

I have been saving this since last year. Happy Earth Day everyone.

literally has been in my queue for an entire year. you just can’t miss reblogging.

gotta queue this for next year too

Saw someone mention the new Boston Dynamics' robot was introduced like a Souls boss. Was not expecting it to come out so creepy.

what the fuck somebody edit a health bar over this im at work

oh my god you said heaLth bar..

GIRL

just gonna start killing people i dont find funny

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

1-800-273-8255

shut the fuck up

People will talk about Tumblr's amazing hatemail game but its person to person reply game is equally unhinged.

NDHSNHDBDHE

all media that causes the audience to feel something is manipulative and problematic. to avoid this, i exclusively engage with horror media while also playing so called "cozy games" like stardew valley. the horror and the cozy cancel each other out and I feel absolutely nothing and remain unmolested by the whims of big feelings

You know I probably should have expected people to start taking a post satirizing a specific type of tumblr user seriously that one's on me

o/ <- person waving

o7 <- person saluting

ol <- person raising hand

o1 <- person scratching head

\o> <- person stretching

\o/ <- woohoo!

<o> <- EXTREME STRESS, LIKE "OH FUCK OH SHIT" STRESS

orz <- the person is on their hands and knees, on the floor, god what happened to them

OTL <- same, but we are now closer to them (mb softly pat their back or something)

or2 <- the person is still on their hands and knees but they've got a fat ass now

you know what really gets my goat?

el chupacabra

I’m sorry!? What?!

Whoa, chupacabra’s a millennial?

The first person who claimed they saw the chupacabra described it as being bipedal, having greenish-grey reptilian skin, and having a row of spikes down its back. She had also recently seen the 1995 film Species, which happens to feature an alien that looks like this:

Oh I was already beaten to this explanation so I’ll reblog this one. Shame she left out one critical detail though. We could have had three decades of tits out goatsucker legends.

im crying this is the funniest ad I’ve ever seen

I’ve never come across a more threatening magnet

tom animal crossing nook made you work for like 3 minutes and you spit on him like this god damn

he forces you into debt

that you literally never ever have to pay off unless you want him to build you a bigger house you floppy shoes rainbow wig ringling brothers ass bitch

Defending Tom Nook’s debt-based economy is going too far

you pay it off by selling him fucking bugs and rocks go make me a balloon animal bozo

#debt-based economy #bro have u like noticed thats literally the world we live in??#honestly i WISH i had a tom nook in my life are you kidding me????#no rush to make payments just pay when you can if you intend on getting an upgrade#no INTEREST i CANNOT emphasize that enough #great reliable quality of work#always polite when speaking to me???#probably genuinely concerned with my well being????#and yall are disrespecting him like this!? #i think the fuck NOT

The best possible landlord is still a landlord, and stands at the top of a steep incline

He gives you a house for free that you never have to pay back for. He’s not a fucking landlord he’s a real estate agent you dimwitted radioactive mushroom. You’re never gonna get “evicted” you have complete sovereignty over your land, can place anything and everything you can fit in the space, put up whatever decorations paint jobs and wallpapers you want. The only downside is if you want to make a large purchase from HIS STORE you gotta pay off the last large purchase (you can still buy mailboxes and fences and nice cobblestone paths)His entire backstory is that he got his heart broken by capitalism and decided to move to a small town and give people affordable housing and affordable upgrades to said housing.

And the house? The money you don’t even have to pay unless you want HIM to expand your house for you?

18,400 bells

For reference a single apple sells for 100 bells

Which means you pay for a house (really you are paying for the upgrade) for the same price as 15 dozen apples.

You are literally buying a house for the same price as 15. Dozen. Apples

Let’s put that in perspective to say. America. A honeycrisp apple at Kroger costs 1.70 each on average meaning a dozen costs around 20 dollars. Meaning the price of a house in Tom Nooks store (that once again you never even have to pay back) is equivalent to a whopping 306 dollars.

That’s it. To pay off a house and let you get renovations you have to pay less than a single months rent at any apartment.

Go throw a pie in someone’s face since you want to be a clown.

Any conspiracy theory about people going missing in National Parks is automatically silly to me. Like "Why are National Parks such a hotbed of disappearances???" because they're full of idiots. You've got thousands of people who've never pissed outdoors in their life wandering around the woods/desert/mountain with zero experience and zero gear and zero understanding that this place can kill them. You don't see as many disappearances in wild areas because people don't go to them unless they have some background knowledge. Whereas you get tour buses full of old folks and suburban families shuttling people into National Parks 365 days a year. If you took the same amount of buffoons and dropped them in the actual wilderness the disappearances would be significantly higher than at the parks. Use your brain.

Some fun stuff from the notes:

I only have experience recuing people at state parks in Florida, but I have personally:

I really cannot stress how unprepared and arrogant people get in natural parks because they think the experience is going to be like Disney World. I literally double up on supplies these days because I have had to rescue so many idiots.

It has gotten to the point where if I want to fully enjoy myself, I will opt for a less scenic, lesser-used trail.

Yeah you're right. It WOULD be pretty fucked up if you were a swan but you were raised by ducks and you grew up never seeing another swan or even knowing that such a thing as a swan even existed so you just thought you were a duck with something super wrong with it.

a very scared abandoned dog was saved off of the streets and regained her happiness

video by @hopeforpaws