due to inflation you must answer my riddles five

due to budget cuts i will grant you two wishes

due to recent layoffs there is only one of me and I lie 50% of the time

old people were right putting ellipses after everything you say actually rules….

Official art of the brothers’ character’s in Trolls 2!

she is beauty she is grace

Best parts of Star Wars are when an alien or a robot or something makes a couple random noises and a person is very genuinely like “yes that’s it exactly thank you”

when in need of serotonin i recommend stefon 

Thinkinge about this tiktok

[autotuned] so i go to college and i have the wooorst job on campus. i’m an RA ON CAMPUS and one time at 4:30 in the morning, i get a knock on my door. and someone says to me “there’s a kid dead in the bathroom” and i said “dead in the bathroom?” and he goes “DEAD IN THE BATHROOM” and i said “oh my god” so i walk down the hall and they show me this kid and he looks like he’s DEAD IN THE BATHROOM and so i called the cops and said hey there’s a kid DEAD IN THE BATHROOM

and the cops show up and then the kid wakes up and he starts ~throwing up violently! all over the place!~ and the cop says “we should call an ambulance” and then the kid says “DON’T CALL THE AMBULANCE” and i said “WE SHOULD REALLY CALL THE AM-BU-LANCE”

…… and we didn’t call the ambulance

[extremely quietly] and then the kid gets into a fight with the cop and the cop gives him a hearing notice and then the kid 

[deep sigh] TEARS UP THE HEARING NOTICE IN FROOOOONT OF THE COP

……and this happened at 4:30 in the morning

*turns off the light*

my cat, who can still see perfectly, watching as I bump into a table: Ah, she has toggled the switch that controls whether she is stupid.

HORIZON: ZERO DAWN + Random edits 15/??           ↳ All Very Rare/Heavy Outfits

*finishes a roll of wrapping paper* oh shit free weapon

*bonks myself in the head* *bonks myself in the head* *bonks myself in the head* *bonks myself in the head* *bonks myself in the head* *bo

A little Shellder I’d drawn up and made it into a pattern which took forever

wallpaper is free to use, not free to sell!

you are literally not a better more moral person for pretending you never get angry and you never get mean

I like to call my chickens “beasties” or “fat little monster trucks” and other such affectionate terms, but dad seems to take offence whenever I do and always gently refers to them as “the girls,” “the ladies” and sometimes “the dames” when he’s putting them away, like he’s a butler shepherding a group of well-bred country lasses into the parlour for tea 

this post evokes such a pleasing mental image that my depression was completely cured for 5 and a half minutes

The Onion Headlines as Ghibli films

Spirited Away

Princess Mononoke

bonus:

Castle in the Sky

Nausicaa of the Valley of the Wind

Howl’s Moving Castle

Kiki’s Delivery Service

Ponyo

The Cat Returns

My Neighbor Totoro 

Porco Rosso