Lexa shook her head at her words. “The dead are gone. The living are hungry. And those are the ones I have to focus on.” She paused before looking at her. “I have to get over the pain and I will do that by realizing for what it really is, weakness. And I cannot afford having a weakness.” Lexa nodded, she knew Fenix was trying to help her, to make her feel better. But in this moment, she realized that she couldn’t keep going like this. She had to bury her feelings deep down and never let them come up again. That’s how she will get over it. “It is fine Fenix, you do not have to tell me anything. I hope you’ll never go through this kind of pain, I do not wish it on anyone.”

In this moment, Lexa was showing weakness, she was being weak in front of Fenix and really, she wasn’t scared of it. Fenix could use it against her, show their people how weak their Commander is in this moment, but Lexa knows she won’t, she trusts her. Lexa allowed the girl to get closer to her, wrapping an arm around her to keep her close. It was like she was craving for it, for the contact, for the human connection. She didn’t want to feel alone. “Costia … ” She paused before closing her eyes. “She was my soulmate. And I know I will always love her, no matter what happens. She was my first everything, she was the person that taught me how to love and what it felt like to be loved. She made me a better person.” She shrugged and looked away. “I’m lost without her, I do not know what else to do but to focus on my duty, ignore everything else because it’s not worth it, not without her.”

This was the first time Lexa was with someone in an intimate way, apart from Costia. And she didn’t know how to feel about it. It was strange and she felt like she was betraying the girl, but at the same time, she enjoyed it. She enjoyed how good it felt, how it made her forget about everything that’s happening around her for a few moments. It was something that she wanted to do again, if Fenix was up to it. Lexa turned her head to look at her. “Thank you, for this.” This was all it could be because Lexa would not allow herself to be involved emotionally with someone again. She couldn’t do it, not after Costia. She couldn’t put someone else’s life in danger just because they were close to her. “Would you like to stay? Just a little longer, please?”

Lexa was well aware of how the past Commander used to treat the subjects. She always felt bad for them and she had promised herself from soon that she would not act the same way. Her duty was to protect her people, to treat their needs above her own. Lexa turned her head to look at Fenix. They had been friends since the moment they met, they got along very well and Fenix was one of the few people Lexa really trusted. And now, if Fenix was fine with it, they could be more intimate. Lexa kissed her back without hesitation, bringing her hand up to caress the blonde’s cheek.

Lexa looked down at their hands. It felt weird to have someone acting like this with her that wasn’t Costia. But the truth is that Lexa was liking it, maybe more than she probably should. But she thought she was alone, no one was love her and care for her again. Lexa nodded at her words. “I just don’t want you to feel like you have to do this because you’re my subject. You are certain of it Fenix?”

Lexa knew what kind of Commander her people expected her to be. The heartless and ruthless type, that didn’t know what being merciful meant. But from the beginning, all Lexa cared was to bring peace to her people. She created the coalition and stopped the fights between the clans. She gave them a common enemy, the Mountain. Lexa tried to be emotionless because she didn’t want to be weak but Costia came along and she couldn’t hide or ignore the feelings she had for the girl. She was her soulmate, someone she would love for the rest of her life. Lexa turned her head to look at Fenix. She also was different, she wasn’t just another one of her subjects, she was special. “I will only do what you want, I will not force you into doing something you do not want to do. It is true that I need a distraction, but it doesn’t feel right to do this only a week after … Costia died.” She paused. “But I want it. I need it.”

Lexa had messed up, she shouldn’t have kissed Fenix. Sure, she was part of the harem and technically, it was her job to satisfy Lexa but she didn’t want to use her like that. No one should be used like that. Lexa raised an eyebrow when Fenix grabbed her hand and took her to her own chambers. Next thing she knew, she was sitting in her own bed, looking up at Fenix as she took off her shirt. Lexa shook her head when Fenix brought her hand up and placed it on her own chest. “No.” Lexa said, before pulling her hand away. “I’m not using you like that. I will not do what past Commanders did. I am not like that. I will deal with my pain in another way. I do not want to force you into doing something you do not wish to do.”

Lexa was unreadable, not that Fenix had been particularly good at reading people. However, she wasn’t expecting the sudden feeling of Lexa’s lips on hers and Fenix’s eyes fluttered close at the sensation. She lost herself in the moment for a few seconds before thinking better of it. This was Lexa, her commander, and she was well within her right to take what she wanted but… but she wasn’t thinking straight. Carefully, Fenix pulled away. “Commander…I am not sure this is what you want…”

It had only been a week since Lexa received the news of Costia’s death. And surely she had promised herself she would die without being with another woman, because there was no point when her soulmate had already been taken from her. But the truth is that Lexa needed to feel something, anything other than the pain and the anger she was feeling. Even if it was only for a few hours, she needed to feel. Lexa looked at Fenix, searching for something, anything that told her to stay away and she found it. She couldn’t force the woman to do something she didn’t want to so Lexa pulled away. She turned around and shook her head. “I’m sorry. I just … I needed to feel something … anything.” She paused. “Something that isn’t pain, anger, guilt.”

It was weird, to have someone touch her like this, to have someone be so close to her like this, someone who wasn’t Costia. But she wouldn’t complain, because Fenix was there, Lexa wasn’t alone like she thought she was. And in that moment, Lexa stared between Fenix’s eyes and lips before leaning in and placing a small, sweet kiss on them. She didn’t know why she did it, but it felt right. Fenix felt right.

Lexa was unreadable, not that Fenix had been particularly good at reading people. However, she wasn’t expecting the sudden feeling of Lexa’s lips on hers and Fenix’s eyes fluttered close at the sensation. She lost herself in the moment for a few seconds before thinking better of it. This was Lexa, her commander, and she was well within her right to take what she wanted but... but she wasn’t thinking straight. Carefully, Fenix pulled away. “Commander...I am not sure this is what you want...”

Lexa closed her eyes but it didn’t keep the tears from falling down her cheeks. She was so angry, upset, sad, she was feeling so many emotions that it was overwhelming. And she almost hurt Fenix because of this, someone who was innocent and had nothing to do with what happened. Lexa brought her sword down, letting it fall down on her side. But she still didn’t move, she remained in the same position, holding the blonde against the wall. Lexa looked up again, her eyes locked with blue ones. “I’m sorry.” She whispered, looking into her eyes.

Fenix swallowed back her own tears. The sight of Lexa along was enough to break her and she wondered if she was suppose to feel like this, helpless. She shook her head vigorously and her hands cupped Lexa’s face to wipe the tears away. “Shh,” she said softly, her voice hoarse, “there is nothing to apologize for. Let yourself feel Lexa, don’t hold back.”

Lexa didn’t held back to give Fenix a break like she usually did. She would stop, give her tips on what she did wrong and how to get better. But this time, she kept going, almost not realizing where she was and what she was doing. Next thing she knew, Lexa had Fenix pressed against a wall, her own sword pressed against the girl’s neck while she stared into her eyes. Her breathing was hard as she looked at the girl, not making a move to step away from her.

Fenix dodged left and right, trying her best to avoid the hits Lexa was delivering without remorse. “Commander,” she breathed out in warning, not that it was heard by Lexa. And then Fenix was pressed up against the wall and the knife in her hand clanked loudly on the floor when it fell. She breathed heavily, eyes wide with fear as she looked into Lexa’s eyes. Her hands came up and one covered Lexa’s hand while the other wrapped tightly around the blade. “It’s okay... it’s okay.”

Lexa moved her sword from hand to hand, spinning it as she waited for Fenix to get ready. Training was the only thing that would be able to keep her mind off of everything that happened, she needed the distraction and Fenix needed the training. After a few more minutes, Lexa got into her stance and waited for Fenix to attack. When she did, Lexa quickly stepped out of the way, jumping to the right and quickly attacking her with her sword, maybe a little harder than she was supposed to but the anger she was feeling was clouding her mind at the moment.

The air was different, thick and unmerciful and Fenix almost couldn’t move away quickly enough from Lexa’s hit. She brought the long knife up and blocked Lexa’s sword, using her momentum to swing it around and taking quick strides back. Her breathing was jagged and she looked at Lexa, waiting - almost fearfully- for Lexa’s next move, knife held so tightly in her hands she could feel the skin of her knuckles ripping.

Lexa was surprised when Fenix started wipping away her tears. She didn’t have to do it, all she had to do was stand there and do nothing until Lexa told her to. It was a strange feeling, one that Lexa choose to ignore because in this moment, she didn’t want to have anymore feelings. Nodding, she coughed slightly before turning around and making her way inside again. “Yes, we shall.” She unsheathing her sword and handing Fenix a knife. “We will do it here. I do not wish to get our of this room.”

Fenix nodded and took the knife out of Lexa’s open hand. She had one like this, or similar at least, but never carried it with her unless she was in the kitchen, or training with Lexa. The room was empty, Lexa’s guards on the outside and Fenix swallowed as she stepped away from the commander and into her stance. Close combat, that was Lexa’s focus. If Fenix was to be attacked, it would be in these walls. If Fenix was there when Lexa was attacked, it would be in these walls. There would be no room for swords or pleasantries and Fenix needed to know how to act fast. “Commander,” she breathed out with a small bow before lunging at her and swinging her arm.

Lexa didn’t fight the rest of the tears that fell down her cheeks. She didn’t care at this point and she felt like she could show weakness in front of Fenix. The girl could use that to her advantage but Lexa trusted her not to. Lexa was lost, she didn’t know what to do besides focusing on her training and her duties. “I cannot seek revenge, not with how fresh the coalition is. I am the one to blame, I should’ve protected her better. I know she hates me and the worst part is that I never got to say goodbye. And I will never be able to give her a proper burial, one she deserves.” She looked away once again, more tears falling. Lexa nodded. “I am. I need a distraction.”

Fenix observed her a moment longer before pulling herself away and going back inside. Her hands were shaking, and her heart was heavy in her chest because Lexa was hurting, and openly showing it. She grabbed a soft rag and then stepped back outside, eyes seeking Lexa right away. With her shaking hands, she raised the rag and carefully (and more gentle than she needed to be) wiped away the streaks of tears from Lexa’s face. “Here now, commander. There is safety here, let it all out.” The rag fell from her hand and Fenix hesitated before bringing her thumb under Lexa’s eyes and gently wiping them, not saying a word about her action. Finally, she stopped, and looked into Lexa’s eyes. “Then we shall train, commander.”

A single tear ran down Lexa’s face and she didn’t even bother to wipe it away. Costia was her weakness, even after her death she still made her weak. She should never have allowed this to happen, she shoudn’t have fallen in love with her. If she had ignored her feelings, the girl would still be alive. “It’s not her fault, it’s my fault. Because I allowed myself to have a weakness, one that the Ice Queen explored. She wanted to hurt me and she knew that hurting Costia was the only way.” She shook her head and turned to look at Fenix. “We had a training session today, we should get to that.”

Fenix almost, almost, leaned up to wipe away Lexa’s tear. But that wasn’t them, it wasn’t how they interacted. Lexa had saved her, sure, turned her into more than what she had been. Lexa had saved her brother. But Fenix couldn’t return the favour. Fenix couldn’t save her. “Queen Nia is to blame. She is the one, the only one, responsible for Costia’s death.” Fenix swallowed, wanting so badly to tell Lexa that maybe training wasn’t a good idea. But Lexa was commander... and Fenix just had to do what she said. “If you are sure, Heda...”

Lexa didn’t argue against the girl. As much as she said she wanted to be alone, really she just needed someone there. She already felt lonely without Costia, like she had no one else in this world. No one else loved her or cared for her, it was only Costia. But she didn’t want to show weakness to others, that’s why in this moment, she wanted to badly to be alone. “I know. And that’s what got her killed.” She paused before looking away, closing her eyes to once again keeping the tears from falling. She was not going to cry. “She shouldn’t have loved me, I should never have allowed her to be close to me. Her death is my fault and that guilt, I will carry with me for the rest of my life.”