THE SUN WON'T CAST NO SHADOW ANY MORE

look at my entire dog

none of this to do list of things that i needed to have finished before ten am included functionlessly crying about cade for two fucking hours but i guess thats just how it be now

found some very old pictures of my very first reactive, dog-aggressive, hw+, completely-hairless-from-mange, proper-through-a-rescue-and-not-just-on-my-own foster. when i contacted the rescue after seeing her, i suggested to them that i had experience, and that i knew what i was doing. i was so incredibly wrong her intake name was candy, but to me, she is forever The Awful Swan, for no other name will convey her entire being to you as well as that one. i learned many things from The Awful Swan. i learned the difference between a dog fight and a Dog Fight. i learned that with a dog who has never been in a home before, there is not a single thing you can take for granted. (The Awful Swan remains my second most expensive dog, costing a mirror, a dishwasher, and a vacuum cleaner, among other lesser things). i learned to be far, far more vigilant and thorough in my introductions to other dogs, other people, and inanimate objects it took an entire year to grow her into an adoptable dog -- one that will be “unpredictably” dog aggressive forever, but one that was functional, with a basic understanding of life with people, and cars, and leashes, and dishwashers, and reflections, and not going to the bathroom on own your bed and then lying down in it. if you are wondering how i accomplished this, the answer is “wrong.” think of a thing that you can do wrong and that is the thing that i did. i owe so much of her successful socialization to my own dogs, who unfairly endured this thing they did not ask for. and most of all i owe to gentle, unflappable, but fearless-in-correcting-bullshit-70-pound-Cade. from The Awful Swan i also learned that it was not only important that i was prepared for the commitment of a difficult foster, it was important that my own dogs were, too every single day with her was emotionally exhausting, even when it was rewarding and successful, and while in all ways it was a terrible decision that i was not ready for, months and months of weekly (!!) adoption events and advertising finally found her a home. the family who chose her received what i can only call a truly intimidating summary of her requirements and capabilities -- and, today, years and years later, she’s still with them. i will never forget that woman quietly saying, “she’s so pretty.” that is the last thing i learned -- somewhere, eventually, if you can find them, there is the right person for every single awful swan

fat middle aged loser starts crying in a fucking hobby lobby over a stepping stone with a red dog collar on it at this point i feel like a cartoon of myself

i set a picture of you as a background and for a second it was almost like you were looking back at me and everything just started all over again nothing ever improves or changes it just goes forward

ten months. fifteen years. i miss you, i miss you, i miss you

tonight it will be a week since you’ve left but over and over i feel like i’ve only just realized you’re gone. it feels like i will never stop sobbing. i hate it. every song, every letter, every thing i read, every single place i look i can imagine you lying there trying to get up again. a service dog in the checkout line at target turned around to look at me and all i could see was your crisp little black and white puppy mask. it wakes me up at night over and over  i try not to make every single social media outlet i have an endless parade of this kind of depressing stuff but i just don’t know what else to do. actively talking about it only makes it worse but i feel like i have all of these thoughts with nowhere to go  and in most of the places i would say something about it well-meaning people just immediately point out that i'm acting like i’ve completely lost my mind and i just get so irrationally angry and then it starts all over again i have never been the kind of person who keeps many other human beings close but out of them all everyone has been far more kind than i deserve and i hate that it feels like nothing helps i don’t even know if doing this helps, i don’t even know if i have lost my mind. i keep telling myself that grief is only for me. it can’t help you, now. and i know that i couldn’t have saved you. and i know that was beside you until the end. when things first began to be difficult for you i told myself that no matter what i had to do i would fight for you as long as you still wanted to stand, and grumble, and dance for your food in the morning. i just never imagined that it would happen so fast that i wouldn’t have the chance. every second i spent paying attention to absolutely anything else feels like i just fucking squandered the most incredible thing in the world