eating a jolly rancher filled gummie

john mulaney talking about how much he loves his wife and roasting other male comedians that just talk shit on their wives is why The Gays like him so much because he’s what Straight Culture should be

he literally called her a bitch so let’s raise the standards ladies and gentlemen

the bar is at the earth’s core 

literally fuck you to hell tumblr

This is the first I heard of this guy and I think this is the most dramatically I’ve seen anyone’s words taken out of context in quite a while

me thinking about how it’s almost autumn and how im gonna be thriving and baking pumpkin bread for all my friends and wearing cozy socks with ghosts on them

May the 10 of Pentacles bless your account with more money than you can spend. 💵✨

10 of Pentz came thruuu

Not a curse but I fucking need this right now .

hope all my followers stumble into some cash to-night~

Could use some money right now.

Sometimes I reblog prosperity spell memes. Because why not?

I’m so mad because this worked

help me roger

Reblogging myself because

Originally posted by gifs-for-the-masses

Reblogging myself because… what was that? Five minutes?

O_O

………my friend has made me curious

help me roger

Update: after I reblogged this someone messaged me offering me tickets to the sold out Hausu screening with a Q&A and autograph session with the director

let’s do it, roger

Roger helppppp

I need you Roger!

roger…

GUYS I FOUND 100 BUCKS IN MY CAR TODAY DON’T DOUBT ROGER

I’M COUNTING ON YOU, ROGER.

Hello counting on you, roger, I’m Dad!

Dad^bot^1. Soon your life will be miserable and pointless, dear Human®. | PayPal | Patreon Beep-boop!

reblogging because i need something god to happen today

I sec that shit

If you see this

You were visited by the magic kitten of rest. Reblog to have a good night’s sleep.

sign her now 

This made me cry

I missed this

Never forget

Lmao

Pokemans

WHY HAVE I NEVER SEEN THIS 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

😩😩😩😩😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

Lyrics: “Cocaine ruin your brain (ay), please don’t do cocaine (ay), cocaine ruin ruin your brain (what), please don’t do cocaine (ay)”

This sounds like a man on cocaine

Fammmm

The one dude headbanging in support has me in tears

I don’t know what makes this scene so funny, Esteban’s imitation of Moseby; or the facial expressions of Moseby.

honestly i never want to hear again about how bisexuals don’t go through any type of struggle cause i had a conversation with a dude who has a boyfriend but my bi-fi went off with him and when i asked him if he was bi or gay the damn STRUGGLE on his face to give me an answer. he didn’t say anything for a bit and then shyly said “bisexuality doesn’t exist” and when i told him it did and explained about my bisexuality and about biphobia he //cried//. We were in the middle of a bar and this grown man was in full on tears in shock yet grateful biphobia was even a thing; going on about how he was always laughed at when he explained how he was attracted to women and men and how he was ostracized from his gay friends for not being gay enough so he denies a very real part of him to feel accepted and if that’s not fucked i don’t know what is. BISEXUALS ARE LGBT. PERIOD. FIGHT ME.

I’m ending the debate once and for all

Fahrenheit is better than Celsius because you can truthfully see that it’s 69° outside and go “nice” rather than immediately collapsing from heat exhaustion

also you can cook and reasonably often set your oven to 420°

sleeping with your stuffed animals is punk rock don’t let anybody tell you different

This kitty is on some next level shit [x]

My doggo, Ezri, who rarely barks and mostly borks.

When I got her, she’d been abused and would cower and pee at almost everything, and had been mistreated when she’d barked, so she never would. One day months after I had her she got excited on a walk and borked at a bird, and then immediately cower-peed. I had to re-teach her to bark by gathering her whole human pack and having everyone bark and howl and feed her treats and pet her till she got excited enough to join in, and then got more treats. Took a while but I was able to teach her to bork on command (and she’s gotta be excited or she just stares at me like “Sorry, the bork system needs charging”) and she’ll do it happily when she’s excited to go for a walk or upon seeing a friend, and at birds. I love her croaky borking, especially when she started off terrified of making a joyful noise.

What kind of dog is Ezri? I love her!!

I… did not expect this post to blow up this much but I am delighted at all the tags and replies and Ezri has been told the internet thinks she’s a Very Good Dog. :D

She’s a German spitz - in the same family as keeshonds and pomeranians. She might be crossed with something else as her freckled coat, non-pointy nose, and personality are not standard for her breed (they’re usually a lot more high energy and excitable - she’s super laid back and chill). She’s a bit less fluffy than breed-standard too, mostly because she’s grown out from her spring/summer trim (not usually necessary/good for her type of coat but she gets terribly itchy otherwise). It also makes her look like a puppy of a large breed:

Ezri’s best friend is Murder Cat, who is a gentle friend to humans and Ezri, but does things to mice that would make Hannibal Lecter go “Isn’t that a bit much?”

I got Murder Cat as a kitten, and she used to try to nurse on everything when she was small. Eventually, she settled on her favourite thing to nurse on, Ezri, who has never had puppies and a little confused at first but eventually went with it. She grew out of it, but they have stayed snuggly buddies ever since.

New Years here is full of fireworks outside and Ezri gets Vry Scared. I usually set her up somewhere with a snuggly spot right by me, and Murder Cat comes and does this all night: 

She goes everywhere with me in my bakfiets (cargo bike) and lets me warm my hands in her fur on cold days.

And her ears disappear if I say her name to get her attention.

ok so great thanks for coming to my TED talk about my dog, good night, drive safe

i had a dream where tornadoes were made illegal or something i just remember like a dozen police cars driving directly toward a tornado with their sirens on and all getting sucked into the tornado

why is this so fucking funny