Paradigm shift.

When my husband read “Inner Conflict”, it sparked a lot of discussion between us on where we stand with D/s and our relationship. Generally, it felt like a productive (and necessary) discussion. But he did say one thing that I didn’t know how to address. He said, “I don’t want the way we connect to be solely or mostly through D/s. Our relationship and marriage is built off so much more than D/s.” First, let me say that I agree with that. We have a fantastic marriage for so many reasons. But I also had a knee-jerk reaction of…I don’t know…confusion?

I think I’ve figured out why, but you have to bear with me through a detour on the philosophy of science. Thomas Kuhn argued that science doesn’t really progress in a linear fashion the way we assume it does—do an experiment, discover a result, formulate new hypotheses, run another experiment, and so on. In that view, each step builds incrementally on the one before it. Instead, science proceeds like this for a while. But then anomalies start to pile up. At first they are dismissed as errors or random, quirky findings. But when they build up, they start to suggest that the current way of thinking might be wrong. Then suddenly, BAM. Something happens that instantaneously changes what we know and believe. Suddenly, we know that the Earth revolves around the Sun, and not the other way around. This suggests a whole new way of interpreting what we already know, and it suggests new ideas to explore. It is paradigm shift—a sudden, huge leap in our knowledge and understanding.

Until last year, I knew I liked rough, kinky sex. I knew that my husband was good at making decisions, and I liked deferring to him. I knew I liked to make a special meal and see the pride and appreciation on his face. I knew that I liked casually suggesting that maybe some ice cream would be nice, then waiting for him to decide we should get some (which may or may not have been followed by squeals of joy). I didn’t want to decide that we were getting ice cream; it meant more to me if he decided. But these were just isolated quirks about me. And sometimes they felt incompatible with my impression of myself as an intelligent, independent woman.

Then I discovered submission. Not the weak-willed stereotype I had of submission, and not bedroom-only submission. But strong, freely chosen, lifestyle submission. BAM. Paradigm shift. Suddenly, all the quirky little things I loved about our marriage fit into this big picture of submission. So did past relationship experiences and fantasies going all the way back to childhood. It was a profound feeling, to have so many pieces of myself fall into place all at once.

The thing about a paradigm shift though, is that you can never unsee it. Once you make the shift, you can’t ever really go back. The new perspective is suddenly so natural and obvious that you can’t imagine it any other way. I was talking about this recently with another submissive. She said that discovering she’s submissive has made her more aware of how she and her husband interact, figuring out how certain behaviors make her feel and why. I feel the exact same way. I see D/s almost everywhere now. I see D/s in the way we snuggle, in the way we plan trips, in the way we divide labor in the house… For example, I used to think I hated to cook. I used to dread when it was my turn to cook. But what I’ve discovered is that I don’t hate to cook; I just hate making the decision about what to cook. Old feelings understood in new ways.

The other thing about a paradigm shift is that it doesn’t happen for everyone at the same time, and sometimes it doesn’t happen at all. notnumbersix wrote recently that, “Submission made perfect sense to me. Everything just clicked! I assumed the same would be true for my husband; that he would just click with dominance, and therefore it would all make sense to him.” This really struck a chord with me. I’ve had a paradigm shift to understanding myself and our relationship through D/s, but my husband hasn’t had that. Maybe he will eventually discover that D/s makes sense and fulfills him in ways he never expected. Maybe not. All I know is that it hasn’t happened yet.

He worries that D/s will swallow our marriage. I think it’s because he doesn’t see that the little everyday moments are part of our D/s, too. His idea of D/s seems focused on the changes we’ve made. But the everyday moments are so seamlessly integrated into the fabric of our marriage that it is harder to see them as D/s. Was it D/s when he decided to buy a new car, and I deferred to that decision? Was it D/s when I spent half our trip massaging a knot in his back that was really bothering him? Was it D/s when he structured and scheduled my day (many years ago) to help me through an intensely stressful time? It might depend on who you ask. He might say that these are just things that loving couples do. But I see these actions a little differently now. I see his caring, deliberate dominance and my devoted, eager submission. I see this dynamic as a thread that has always been part of our relationship. For me, it is harder to tell what aspects of our relationship are outside of D/s. In fact, I’m not even sure what that means anymore.

Sometimes I have to stop and remember that he doesn’t see the D/s threads in our marriage the way I do. But paradigm shift or not, the important part is that we do these things that fulfill each other. We love and feel loved. At the end of the day, that is everything.

cherishedproperty

Thanks for digging this up, friend. I was thinking about this the other day. My ex-husband never did make the paradigm shift with me. He just couldn’t see the value in these things that meant so much to me. And when someone goes through the motions without understanding or connecting with them, it just doesn’t work.

Then a couple months ago he mentioned seeing women on dating apps who were looking for D/s, and he said he was intrigued by them. “But I can’t date one of these women when my ex-wife left me because I couldn’t do D/s.” Umm, yes you can. Every connection is different. I couldn’t help him find a D/s that resonated with him, but maybe someone else can. Maybe someone less kinky and more 50’s housewife. Maybe someone who is at the same level of development/understanding as he is. Someone he can learn and grow with, rather than someone tapping her feet impatiently for him to catch up.

The paradigm shift happens differently for everyone. You can’t force it. All you can do is share your heart and try to go on the journey together. It didn’t happen for me with my ex. But with another woman, who knows? Maybe he’ll have that shift. And then maybe he will be the perfect Dominant for her, even if it was never going to work between him and me.