Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder.
If I were to tell you that I had an illness that affected only 2% of the population, and which killed 1 in 10 of those who had it, what would your reaction be? And how would that reaction change when I told you that it was a mental illness known as emotionally unstable personality disorder (EUPD)?
I was diagnosed with Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder last year (2017) just after my twenty first birthday.
in all honesty, the diagnosis scared the hell out of me. While things like depression and anxiety are a rather talked about mental illness, EUPD is not. And honestly at first, the term ‘emotionally unstable’ was enough to make me want to curl up into a ball in the corner of the room and cry - because it made me feel weak, not normal and completely powerless to my emotions. I imagined someone ‘crazy’, someone people would look at in concern, someone who made others feel uncomfortable.. surely, that wasn’t me.
People who have EUPD are described as people who overreact to stress with extreme feelings of sadness, anxiety and anger. It’s said that it not only affects the mind but also relationships too, as they’re often intense and chaotic.
Ultimately, the disorder often sees people becoming impulsive and often self-destructive. The thing though, is that when you’re living with the disorder, all of the above things feel completely normal, Because you’re so used to losing control with your anger and forming dangerously close bonds with people, you don’t think twice about it, or even worry about taking a step back to evaluate the situation.
The saddest part of being a woman and living with EUPD is that the words ‘crazy’ and ‘unstable’ are so frequently thrown around against women generally in our society. It’s common for women to open up more than men, and are therefore deemed as being more emotional humans. Those who are completely open about their emotions and are unafraid to show when they are upset are often carelessly labelled as ‘unstable’ when all they’ve really done is express themselves. Sadly, because we as women may show our fury over things that men may not bat an eyelid at, we’re labelled ‘crazy’, when really we just deal with things in a different way. Of course, this does not apply to all men nor or women, but you can’t help but face that this is a truth. Be that in soaps, films and real-life, how often do we see a female being open with her emotions labelled ‘crazy’ simply for doing so?
EUPD is so easily confused with hormones, more so in young women. For a young woman, it might be hard to speak out about you feel, because mood swings are so prominent with periods of menstruation. I surely can’t be the only one who’s gone off into a fit of rage only to be asked: ‘Are you on your period?’ And so in all honesty it becomes difficult to differentiate the two for those who don’t understand. And in all honesty, it becomes easier to hide away from the fact that you may be suffering from mental health issues, because it’s easier to blame ‘women’s troubles’ than confront the truth.
Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder for me means that I am ’emotionally sensitive,’ it also means if I am not stable I am prone to depression, low mood swings, self harm, post traumatic stress attacks (due to past abuse) and many other things that i can’t even begin too list, as in all honesty that list is extremely long.
I’ve had my official diagnosis of Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder for eight whole months now and if I’m honest I don’t think that it’s fully sunk in yet or if I’ve even come to terms with it. I’m still learning every day about my illness and trying to understand it the best that I can. My emotions at the moment are completely intense and it feels like they’re attacking me at full force, but I’m trying and I’m still here for now, so that’s got too count for something.. right?
I have a few diagnosis though, which are severe depression, mixed anxiety, emotionally unstable personality disorder, ptsd, trauma based paranoia and bulimia. Every day is a battle trying too come to terms with everything. It’s a difficult road I’m on but I really am doing the best that I can😊
