Grateful Letter

Dear L.B.,

Thank you.

Thank you for teaching me how to love, and realize that I am capable of unconditional love.

Thank you for teaching me how to be honest to the one we care and love the most.

Thank you for all the attention and attentiveness that you gave to me.

Thank you for having loved me so much at a point in my life.

Thank you for being understanding and awesome and amazing to me while I was such an asshole and a fake person to you, when I didn’t want to face my true feelings.

Thank you for being you and being so cute and adorable and sensitive and the best bf I have ever had, so far.

Thank you for all your hugs, kisses, and times you wanted to spend with me so bad. I never understood it, but now I do, it’s because your feelings were so strong for me.

Thank you for showing me that not everything has to be about sex, that quality time spent with the one you love is as amazing, too.

Thank you for giving me a natural high whilst we were together, physically.

Thank you for showing me that men are sensitive as well.

Thank you for getting along with me so well and playing along with my conversations and role playing convos.

Thanks for being oh so romantic that no man has ever done for me.

Thanks for teaching me life insights and helped guide my future career paths.

Thank you for helping me with my grammar and your constructive criticisms.

Thank you for trusting me.

Thank you for being supportive and there for me.

Thank you for showing me love.

Thank you for just showing up in my life like a wild Pokémon but instead, you’re a special edition human-mon.

It was quite a roller coaster, mostly towards the end, but that’s how it always is, towards the end.

Thanks for just… being yourself.

Thank you for putting down my walls, I let you in, then you hurt me tremendously, because it shows that my love for you are real. That I am capable to love someone.

Thanks for being so hot and showing me different perspectives.

Thank you for being tolerating of me.

I want to thank you.

Although your love isn’t here for me anymore, I will always love you.

My love is too large for me to stop loving, and I will share my love with you. Even if it’s just a little bit.

Thanks for helping to contribute to my growth.

Love, K.D.

A Letter To My Ex

(L.B.) 

This letter is written to release every single feelings that I feel associating with you.

You see, the difference between you and I is I take responsibility for my actions. When I was aware that I hurt you, I was remorseful and apologetic, and I meant it. I loved and cared for you that much that I was hurting for hurting you.

But you... The moment you broke up with me and said you were over me, and that you were seeing someone else, and blamed me for everything, became cold and mean to me. Those moments cut me like a knife, esp. when you said you were seeing someone else right after we broke up, i felt a sense of anger and betrayal and a hypocrisy and a sense of disgust that I never thought i would have. 

This person, who blamed me for everything when he SHOULD be taking responsibility for HIMSELF, this person who is such a fucking coward, blaming me for everything but can’t take it back himself, this person who said that I betrayed him when I did not even know him that well pointed his DISGUSTING fucking nasty ass fingers AT ME, for “hurting” and “betraying” him. What kind of sick shit is that? If that isn’t emotional immaturity, I don’t know what is.

This little boy faked his disgusting feelings for me throughout the whole time we were involved with each other, and blamed me for the disgusting shit he felt and caused as well, at me. 

Disgusting. 

I really felt like I could trust this boy, and I did, and yes I said boy on purpose, because he is one. 

I can’t believe I fell for his dumb ass shit, I really did like him, and it was the first guy who I actually had REAL feelings for, real genuine feelings.

But feelings are inaccurate, it depicts a perfect person in your eyes, but in reality, that person IS NOT who you THINK they are!!! 

After he broke up with me, I literally was in hell, emotionally. I was fucking depressed, and not just that but every time after he wanted “space”. I was so fucking HURT, I didn’t realize it then but I realize it now, that I can’t fight my feelings, even though I told myself I wasn’t hurt every time he asked for space, I WAS. 

I was so blindsided by “love”, that... I put all my trust into this person and believed all his words and right now, looking back some of those words were probably LIES anyways!!! 

I am crying as I typed this.

At first, I really thought I lost a good guy, but he isn’t good.

Because a good guy would stick it through, he would know that i would never intentionally hurt him, and i realized my mistakes. And a good guy would have an abundance of love for me to overcome all the petty bullshit, but this guy, he is not good. 

He blames me, he only cares and think about himself, he only gives out affection on his term, he is a boy. I am really stupid for falling for this boy.

I regret our whole “relationship.” But this is reality, it happened, and I have to accept it. 

How can someone who said he cares about me, left me and went out with someone else so quick? 

THAT is the WORST betrayal EVER!!!

I was so angered that when he told me that, I was GLAD, because it helped me see his TRUE colors and helped me get over him.

I don’t need someone like that in my life, someone so fucking fake. 

Someone who’s feeling changes every fucking second. 

I don’t know what I did to deserve this, but I will fucking extract EVERY single things out of this and LEARN from it!!

I learned that 

-Don’t trust boys who are so clingy and desperate the first moment they meet you

-Boys who are so quick to get close to you, are boys who are emotionally immature and immature IN GENERAL. 

-Boys who say things and won’t follow through. (The opposite of a real man)

-Boys who are emotionally abusive. (Which I do believe happened to me, or I was emotionally manipulated). 

I fell so fucking hard for this guy but I see that it was all bull shit. 

This guy never cared for me, never loved me, never liked me, “foreal”.  

Those were just words, fleeting feelings, words said that wasn’t meant for real and just caused harm to said “cared about” person. (aka me). 

You know, I try to look for people through their souls, because he was not as blessed physically (i’m talking about his penis), BUT THAT DID NOT MATTER, to me. Because I saw his heart, and personality.

But now I see is TRUE personality, I don’t like it very much. 

It is a selfish and arrogant person. 

A person who judges and criticizes other when he himself, is not perfect, or worse. 

He is not holy grail but at times, he makes me feel little. 

He always talks about education and social economics, or status, and I realize, I don’t want my partner to care about those shit.  

I want someone who looks for soul, love, and integrity to follow through with their actions if they say they actually have feelings for someone. 

I’m looking for genuine, authentic love. Not someone who cares about fucking SOCIOECONOMIC status. It truly disgust me.

I don’t agree with people like that and their views, like I understand it but people like that are going to have an unhappy life, because all they care about is work. 

Im not saying thats a bad thing, but everyone should have balance. 

This person really hurt me so bad, but it made me realize that I should only be loving myself, right now.

I gave my real feelings and love in this whole thing, so i know i said i regret this whole thing, I don’t regret my positive parts in this.

And looking back, at his positive parts, it wasn’t really much, yeah he gave me a lot of attention, and affections, and spent a ton of money on me, but in the end, those actions doesn’t mean shit, because he is a fucking liar, (said he wouldn’t do anything with anyone for a while but did, while calling ME a fucking liar), btw his breathe stinks when we first kissed, so i don’t know why I fucking deserve that but okay.

Whatever, I actually liked this guy but I am kind of indifferent now, I just hate him a little but I don’t want to waste my precious energy on this pig.

I don’t know why I cried so much for him, and I meant so much, but it means that my feelings were real, and the relationship or whatever we had actually MEANT something to me, and I am capable of real love. 

Because I was in so much emotional pain, suffering, it was so hard the first month. 

I am only going to look forward to the new year and love myself entirely. 

I too, deserve my love and affections and that is the only person I WILL commit to. no, that I AM committing to, right now.  

Yes this person hurt me a lot, and I appreciate all the good times that happen, and I truly wish him the best, but right now, I am going to only focus on myself. 

I know I was a, no I AM a good person, and my intentions are never bad, I KNOW that, so whether my ex thinks i’m a bad person or not, I really don't give a shit, because I think he is shit, and people who can’t see the good in me, is someone who doesn’t deserve even a second of my love or affection, or attention, or time. I know I’m a good person, and there were a few things that I did that were selfish but it wasn't as major as his. 

It just really disgusts me, his actions, his words, they're so fucking mean.

But I know what goes around comes around. And I am happy now. 

I truly am. 

I don’t regret loving someone else and lost that, because it showed me that the only priority should be me. I should love myself first, and see people for who they really are. 

I know I learned a lot from this, but the difference between him and I, is that my love is selfless, whilst his is selfish. 

I’m glad he’s not in my life anymore, his energy and vibe is bad, and it sucked all my happiness and sunshine out of my lively self. 

I used to be bubbly, and happy, and fun, while I was with him, he kind of drained me. 

But now, I can truly be myself again. 

I have my personal freedom and I am going to continue to be a good person because I am since the beginning. 

I won’t allow a selfish person who can’t understand another person’s whom he claimed to care about Point Of View. 

Thanks for everything, ex. 

And the saying goes “Hurt people hurt people”. 

And “people who don’t love themselves hurt other.”  :-)

Sincerely, 

Me, Myself, & I <3 

Empathic Letter to Self

Okay now that I’ve let out my guilt and shame in my previous post.

Here is a letter to myself for healing, forgiveness, and compassion. 

If you don’t love yourself, how do you expect others to love you? 

Even though I hurt the person I love, UNINTENTIONALLY, everything did happen, and every emotions that needed to be felt, has been felt. 

Here in this letter I want to say to myself..

that I am worthy, that at the time when I did those things, I was a different person than I am now. I had different experiences, different emotions, different thought process. 

I did what I wanted to do at the time. How can I blame myself for wanting to do what I did? 

I understood why I wanted to do what I did then. 

I am a different person who have been through new experiences and emotions now. 

I appreciate myself, I value myself, I forgive myself. 

Forgiving myself benefits me, and I need to stop with the self guilt and self shaming. 

Everything that happened, has already happened. 

If it was happened for a reason, then this is that reason.

It changed me, and led me to be a better version of myself. 

It helped me go on the right path, to do the RIGHT thing, and to respect and love the person who ACTUALLY have REAL feelings for. 

But first, it starts with me, forgiving my actions, forgiving that I hurt the person I love, forgiving him being mad and upset, at me, at the situation, FORGIVING everything. 

That way, I can heal, and move on and be a happier person, and I want him to be a happier person too. 

I want both of us to heal, forgive, and be happy. 

okay, i did it.

this is a letter about something wrong that i did, and i feel extremely guilty about, even to this day. 

the first step is taking responsibility hence the title of this post. 

and second, self forgiveness. 

what happened: 

summer 2016. i met this boy, let just call him L, we had an instant attraction since, and started texting everyday since we started talking. we did not sleep together though we sexted, because we weren’t near each other’s vicinity. 

a week later, i slept with a different guy whom i just met, because he kept talking to me and pursuing me, and at the time, i felt indecisive, because i knew i was talking to L, but i was thinking about myself and what my single self would have done, and also because i only met L for about 2 weeks, and didn’t want to stop living my life for someone who I’ve known for so little. I also justified myself by telling myself if I sleep with this guy, I can train and be ready for L to have a good time with me when he visits. Because I haven’t had sex in so long, I wanted to train my vagina and “warm it up” before sleeping with L. So I proceeded to agree and slept with that guy. Right after, I felt a bit horrible, because it felt like I ruined what I had with L, I felt like I betrayed what me and L had, slightly. 

then L visited me for the first time, a week after I slept with that stranger, whom is now an acquaintance, and I slept with L and I was uncomfortable at first because I felt like he rushed into knowing me too quick, and I’m the type of person who takes thing slow, emotionally speaking. I don’t open up to people quick and L made me uncomfortable in that way because it felt like I put in too much time and energy at first when I wanted to take things slow, but he was pursuing me hard, emotionally and physically. 

I had a great time with L overall, but still, my feelings was at a decent pace with L at the time. I just wanted to talk and be casual, because we were long distance. 

Then a week or two later, I slept with the acquaintance that I mentioned above AGAIN, because I had slight lust for him, or feeling, whatever you want to call it, but I still like L, and enjoys talking to him, and we have never had the exclusivity  talk so in my mind, I was still single, and just exploring my options. This time, I slept with the guy again and L found out, he called me instantly and asked what was up? I lied to him the previous night saying I was sleeping at home when really, I was at the guy’s house, gone out of my mind, and just wanted a good time. When L called and I heard his voice, my heart died inside... I felt like a total loser and a piece of scum on this earth, i felt disgusting, ahh i’m crying as i’m typing this sentence, but back to the story, when i heard his voice, i felt the sadness and sorrow in his voice and i couldn’t be brave enough to speak with him. I just let him interrogate me with questions and I just told him the truth, that yes I slept with the guy. He kept questioning and I felt like a coward, who were too chicken to answer his questions and tell him the truth, he kept on asking me questions, and so i hung up on him. i felt horrible right when he called, during, and after. 

i lost most of my feelings for the acquaintance now, all i cared about was L. i cared that i hurt his feelings, i care that i fucked up, and it impacted him, i cried and cried and cried and cried.... for maybe about 45 minutes. a part of me had died, at the time. 

all i cared about after that was L’s forgiveness, but not really even, i just wanted the pain i caused him to be gone, i don’t want to see him hurt because of my stupid actions. 

and honestly, at the time i didn’t think he would be hurt, but he did. even tho i said i felt guilty even after the first time i slept with the acquaintance, i didn’t want to listen to my heart/feelings, but i just wanted to do what my head told me to do. 

L said he wanted nothing to do with me anymore, that he hopes i find someone who treats me well. that he can’t trust me, or trust someone like me who would do these things to him. 

i was in despair. 

i had no more emotions or feelings after L said that we are over.

i was a statue, numb, hopeless, regretful, and most of all, i wasn’t myself. 

anyways, a week past, and it was my birthday, i decided to go to vegas to celebrate with my friends, and to forget about L, to live up this single life now. 

so, the plan was that, but i couldn’t stop thinking about L ever since that blow up, that whole week following the fight, and continue on to my birthday, L was still in my head, haunting me. So I got to Vegas Friday night, came Saturday, I couldn’t take it anymore, I confessed my feelings to L, and told him why I did what I did, and that I can’t stop thinking about him, and that it was killing me that we stopped talking. His response was not what I wanted to hear, it was that he hopes I find someone who would treat me well.. and that he can’t trust me anymore. 

so that was that, i took that as it’s over. forever. 

at this time, i was done, emotionally, like i’ve tried, now i’m numb again, now i’m going to party my ass off, even though i wasn’t doing so well internally. 

i partied hard that night, though still sad and thinking about L, and I also dropped my 1 week old brand new iPhone 6s in the Vegas pool, so now I’m double sad. I was literally the unluckiest girl in the world at the time, or at least that was how I felt. So the next night, i hooked up with 2 strangers, because now that it’s over with L, what is there to give a shit about anymore? i didn’t want to be somber for my whole birthday weekend, so I wanted to do something exciting that my single self will look back and thank me for. it was more like an adventure, a YOLO thing. 

so that was that, right? yeah, but about 5 days later, L texted me and said he wanted to start over, that everything that happened up until this point doesn’t matter. 

that if he ask me any questions, i should answer honestly. and i agreed. 

but he didn’t ask if i slept with someone in vegas, or he assumed i did on saturday night, but i didn’t, which is true, so i denied it. but i slept with the strangers on sunday night... which i did not bring it up, and which he did not ask. 

since he was already mad about the acquaintance, i did not want to bring up these 2 in vegas... which could sabotage our new-ly re-established connection again. 

i didn’t want to lose him. again.  

but here’s the problem: when he asked about the acquaintance, i said that he was a stranger that i just met that night, so L thinks that it’s my first time sleeping with that guy, but it’s not, it’s my second, and he isn’t a stranger because I had an encounter with him before. I was so scared to tell L the truth, because in my head I just felt like it was a bad thing to say, like it would hurt him even more. So my justification was, if he was a stranger.. maybe it would hurt less? 

and i also did not tell L about the vegas dudes. since we just patched up our problem with the first guy. L said he felt cheated on, although we were just talking, that’s why to me i didn’t get the impact it had on him at first, but his feelings are valid. 

i did tell L the truth about my body count. the number of bodies i had was correct, although the timeline is incorrect. 

and now, since L is a person who value honesty extremely, the guilt as been eating me alive. it would pop up at my most vulnerable time... 

and i’ve asked for advice from different people, and what i got from them was would it benefit L if i told him? or would it benefit me? Because I just want to get rid of the guilt. But also, L values honesty, so wouldn’t I be doing him a favor by telling him the truth? 

I don’t know if I want to risk it all... risk us being over forever. 

i was such a piece of shit back then, i didn’t realize my actions could hurt someone that bad, and as my feelings grew stronger for L, I didn’t want to tell him even more, because I don’t want to lose him. 

But I’m scared, I’m scared that this will come back to haunt me, I’m scared that karma will bite me in the ass.

But even if it’s the other way around, I wouldn’t care as much because we are in a good place now, and if I was in his shoe, and he revealed what I did to me, I would be like what the fuck at first, but wouldn’t care as much or wouldn’t stay mad for long, because he isn’t obliged to tell me anything, we were not in a relationship, and people are not obliged to tell people everything they do, and because everything he did all came down to ME. now let’s switch back to the original role, I did everything I did because of him, he told me it was over, that’s why I slept with the 2 strangers. As for the other dude, I felt trapped because of him, like I’m losing my freedom. Like I was rushing into a relationship too fast, too soon. Everything was because of him. The impact that I caused him, I found out when he told me, and that was after everything. I’m not saying it’s his fault, but he just happens to be in the equation that he should not even be involved in, i did not mean to hurt him, i was being selfish and just thought about ME. 

the guilt is still eating at me from time to time, i know i’m not obliged to tell him anything, but i want to understand him or please him and tell the truth. but at the same time, i don’t know if i should. am i being selfish? i don’t know anymore. 

i don’t want to hurt him, but i know he values the truth so much, and i want to tell him the truth. should i risk it all? i like him so much. i’m scared of his reactions, i’m scared of my capability to handle his reactions, i’m scared of the consequences. i’m scared.      

before making all these mistakes, i thought to myself.. could it be that i’m afraid i’m starting to feel myself falling in love? that i’m trying to stop that feeling because i actually like this guy so much... i did think about that, and it could be true. it helped contributed to my actions. 

real feelings scared me so much, because i’ve had bad experiences in the past. i hated being vulnerable. 

i realized how strong my feelings were for this guy, so i was willing to see how things go with him. he influenced me to change myself so much. i would not be changing myself for any other guy, or girl. 

maybe when the time is right, or when i’m ready, i will show him this blog... or i will tell him myself.  

but beside the not full truth, and beside everything that ALREADY happened, i still slept with the same amount of people i said, and i did not contract any diseases, or gave him any. that’s the practical way of looking at reality, and it helps me to move on. 

conclusion: what i got from this is, i violated my own value, my action did not match up with my beliefs, and, as a result, not only did i caused harm to other, who i care about, but i caused harm to myself. 

i felt like shit, and it made me more aware of my future actions. i want to be a better person, and i don’t want to hurt myself, or those i love. 

Two sides to every story

I don’t know what I did but....

it got me here to where I am now.

All of sudden, it hit me like a bullet, that I could lose you, for real this time.

I never thought I would fall in love again but I did.. Even though it’s not looking so pretty right now. 

Maybe we aren’t compatible. Maybe you don’t feel the same anymore... 

I have my doubts too, but I can’t let go.

I want to think there is more to this, that it can't end so soon... i feel hurt. 

heartbreaks are not my friend. i’m lost. i don’t know what else to do... 

when your expectations are lost, you lose a part of yourself.

when you invested so much emotionally, psychologically, physically, and financially.  

i truly i’m mentally stranded... all by myself...

I’m extremely hurt...

I’m so hurt. emotionally.  I hate when I like a guy so much and he doesn’t like me back. 

I don’t deserve this emotional unhappiness when I see things about you. 

I do not deserve emotional unhappiness. Or unhappiness in anything about me whatsoever. 

You can do you, you can be successful, you can live a good life, you can go find yourself a beautiful girlfriend or wife and have kids and live a happy amazing life. 

and I would not give two shit about it. I am going to worry about me and my amazing and beautiful life.    

I wish you the best. 

I thought we could of been something. I really did. But life hits me hard in the face and my imaginary love I thought I had with you is shattered. 

In honesty, I am hurt. I am so hurt to the point where I don't even want to see your face anymore. I just... hate you. 

I don’t even want to know about your existence. 

I just feel disappointed in myself for giving you so much of my affection and love. 

Fuck you. 

That is all I have to say.

I, K.D., will NEVER stoop down to your fucking level or give you even 0.1% OF ME anymore. 

You ain’t shit to me. 

You don’t exist to me.